Monday, August 24, 2009

Usain Bolt denies absolutely everything

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it. That's all I got to say."

The world's fastest man, Usain Bolt, was yesterday accused of impropriety with the daughter of prominent German sports minister, Uwe Eischens, following a celebratory meal held in honour of the victorious World Championship Jamaican athletics team, hosted in a well-known Berlin hotel.

Herr Eischens alleges that, over the course of a simple, but filling, traditional German meal, Bolt flirted constantly with his pretty, youngest daughter - promising medical student Heike - making lewd suggestive remarks about the size of the Sauerkraut on offer.

Eischens continued: "We had just finished the fruit salad and were about to be entertained by a traditional Bavarian Oompah band, when I looked around and Bolt had his tongue down Heike's throat".

"Naturally, I was outraged and shouted at them to stop. No sooner had I done this than the Jamaican took Heike in his arms and sprinted from the dining room and directly out of the hotel. I am 74 years old, with a history of heart problems, so there was not much chance of me catching him."

Sweet, innocent Heike Eischens.

"I have not seen Heike now for 2 days. My wife is extremely worried. There are reports that she has been seen in the bar of a Sandals Hotel resort in Jamaica. I urge her to get in contact immediately. She needs to repeat her pre-med exams next week. If he has done anything to compromise the virtue of my sweet child, this man Bolt had better not show his face in Germany ever again."

Minister Uwe Eischens. "Bolt - you can run, but you can't hide."

When contacted by German reporters, Bolt's inital reaction was to deny everything. "I didn't do it, whatever story you guys want to make up - I was taking some over-the-counter tablets for a sinus problem and hay fever. The syringes in my hotel room were not mine. They belonged to Amy Winehouse, who had dropped by as she was a friend of my cousin. It's all lies...

Oh - you mean the pretty blonde German girl with the great ti... Hold on, are you recording this? - yeah, I met her OK, but we didn't do anything; I rubbed against her accidentally so there might be DNA evidence, but I didn't do it, whatever it is. Is she pregnant yet? If that's right, it's not mine. She was over 18, right? I deny all allegations, whatever they might be", he said while plucking some blonde hairs from the shoulder of his tracksuit.

"If you have a problem, talk to my lawyers, talk to my agent. I don't know anything about Heike. She is definitely not staying in my luxury Kingston condo, as far as I know. If she is, then she must have broken in, cos I never gave her a key".

With that, the big Jamaican ran away, very quickly...

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