Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Little Miss Perfect - the most disturbing show ever?

Just caught this on the Biography channel.  It's a series documenting the practise of pre-pubescent beauty pageants in the good old USA.  I thought it was a comedy at first, along the lines of Little Miss Sunshine but sadly it is real.

We get to see the grotesque pushy moms, dousing the kids in hairspray, mascara and fake tan, coaching them on their dance routines, shopping for thong-like swimwear, checking the kids' teeth to ensure that the industrial layers of lipstick they have slapped on their offsprings will not ruin their smiles.

All presented by a guy called Michael (see above) who is so camp that he makes Liberace look like John Wayne.  Michael serenades the lucky kids who make the final, with a really creepy Tony Bennett-type number during which he gazes directly into the eyes of the unfortunate child, who will no doubt be scarred for life and spend 10 years in and out of rehab at some point in the future.

The 3 judges are overheard making bitchy comments about some of the kids:
  • That dress is just soooooooo Riverdance.
  • Plaid is sooooooo in this season.
  • I just luvvvvv her feistieness.
  • In terms of beauty - she is just toooooo plain...
  • Her hair is just tooooooooooo big....

Anyhoo, it seems that the show has taken off in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia.
Here are the finalists from last year's Saudi contest. The one on the left was unfortunately killed when she was run over by a bus as her vision was impaired. The girl on the right broke her nose and jaw when she walked into a lamp post and was subsequently stoned to death as an inch of her ankle was visible as she writhed in agony on the pavement.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Oranje - Sometimes you just can't win

This is an appropriate tune, I think, for the Dutch football team, falling at the final hurdle as usual.

It's a classic 60's garage/psychadelic Nugget - Mouse and the Traps doing 'Sometimes, You Just Can't Win'. Great Farfisa organ sound on this...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

World Cup - No Sympathy for the Devils

Great to see Brazil exiting today. It has always been a gripe with me that half of their squad seem to be evangelical christian nutters, especially these days: golden boy Kaka, gutless midget Robinho and semi-retarded defender Lucio:-

After a tournament hosted in Germany, Lucio seemed to sport a T-Shirt claiming that Jesus loves dick. May he burn in the eternal fires of hell for this libel! I'm pretty sure that Jesus is/was pure and generally asexual, like a nice priest, although he may have been tempted by Magdelene minge once or twice.

Brazil's onfield prayers before the game and pious, rapturous gestures to the sky whenever they score a goal are pretty sickening. Maybe they should save it for the privacy of their changing room.

Well, it looks like their saviour has forsaken them in this instance. Hope Holland can go all the way now. Should have got on them when they were 10-1 outsiders...

Anyhoo, there is a theory doing the rounds that Brazil lost the game due to the presence of Mick Jagger and his Brazilian son.

It does make sense, as Sir Mick had previously been seen in the stands supporting Team USA when they lost to Ghana, and also supporting England as they bombed out to Germany.
Think Mick has a history of this. Any football or cricket game he shows up at, his chosen team inevitably loses. Guess you can't always get what you want...

Perhaps he could attend the next Fianna Fáil Ard Fheis and put his curse on them?

Friday, July 2, 2010

World Cup Punditry

The standard of punditry at the current tournament has been pretty mixed.
Dunphy has seem strangely subdued on RTE - leaving senior analyst Gilesy to get worked up about poor standards of play, introduction of goal-line technology etc.

Liam Brady has also been quite low-key so far, sticking to a few of his stock phrases, e.g.
"I'd have to agree with John on that, Bill".

The Lads

Maybe some of The Lads are a bit worried about how Aprés Match will treat them if they get too worked up on any issue, this time around...

Ronnie Whelan and Graeme Souness do enough to earn their cheques, whenever they are on.

As a guest panelist, Ossie Ardiles was entertaining, although it required quite a lot of attention to understand much of what he was saying. He has left the panel now. Perhaps too many social nights out with Dunphy in the Horseshoe Bar have put him off the whole enterprise.

Didier 'Didi' Hamann is good value also. In a typically German fashion, he is astute and honest in his analysis; He does posess a few annoying habits though:-
  • Dressing like he had got his complete outfit from a charity shop.
  • Performing strange squinting motions with his left eye whenever he is asked a question.
  • Beginning every reply with the standard English pundit's banality "As Eamonn said/As John said/As Liam just said", even if his response bears no relation to anything they had said.
Best newcomer is Richie Sadlier in the graveyard highlights shows on RTE. He's analyst skills are excellent but it will probably be a couple of years  before he makes the first team panel, because, as Dunphy would put it - "He's never played at the highest level, like John or Liam".

ESPN's South Africa Nightly is very strange. Presented by ex-BBC guy Ray Stubbs, it's an hour long magazine-type show, i.e. they don't seem to spend more than 90 seconds discussing any single issue.
They have a variety of ex-footballers as pundits, some of whom actually need to use interpreters.

Former Dutch striker Patrick Kluivert is one of their main go-to pundits He normally looks about as interested in the whole thing as a grumpy adolescent forced to attend church might be.
BBC and ITV have also gone Dutch.

ITV have the scowling Edgar Davids, usually wedged between Andy Townshend and Gareth Southgate, who seem slightly afraid of 'the Pitbull' in case they contradict any of his monosyllabic opinions and get a good slapping.

The Beeb have drafted in Clarence Seedorf, who is super-relaxed, even to the extent that he laughs at all of the weak puns that regulars Hansen & Shearer and presenter Lineker constantly come out with.

I think there might be some jealousy from Hansen & Shearer, as Clarence speaks standard received English almost perfectly, often using much longer words than Shearer in particular can comprehend, plus he's won a lot more in his career.

Anyhoo, don't think many other of the panelists on any TV station would try this pose, but apparently it was for an Italian charideeee calendar a couple of years back.

"Yesh Gary, I feel that the overall dynamic ish good in the current group of Dutch playersshh and I am confident that we can defeat Brazil, eshpeshially if we can maintain our exishting modalities in the midfield  and if our overall dialalectic holds in defence, allowing the forward players the requisite freedoms to fully realiseshh their potentialities."

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Government wins vote on Wildlife Bill

This is a great laugh. Just listening to NewsTalk and they have an array of hang-sangwidge bogshite TDs opining that the banning of 'controlled' stag hunting in Meath is the beginning of the end of rooerr-tal Ireland.

A Wild Stag, roaming free in the Phoenix Park

A Political Stagg who encountered some problems whilst roaming in the Phoenix Park

"Next ting you know, those elite Dublin Libb-har-rils will be going after coursin' and fishin', and banning G-AY sports cus they might be a bit violent if the odd schmozzle or bit of manslaughter happens in an inter-county game".

Mary O'Rourke said she and her party "would not accept further inroads into rural pursuits". I'm not sure if she includes incest, Country & Irish showbands and clerical abuse under the umbrella of rural pursuits.

Sure enough, Jackie Healy-Rae and Michael Lowry indicated that they would vote against the Bill. The biggest buffoon in the Dail and the biggest crook in the Dail, respectively.