Thursday, October 29, 2009

Return of the Moving Statues

Virgin Mary, as she appears to Joe Coleman

Dubliner Joe Coleman, who describes himself as "a visionary of our Blessed Mother and a spiritual healer under the energy of the Holy Spirit" recently drew large crowds to the Knock Basilica when he predicted an apparition from the alleged mother of Jesus.

Coleman (55), who is based in Ballyfermot, Dublin, told the Irish Times yesterday he believes Our Lady appears to him because, “I’m a channel for love, and I’m a channel for God”. He claims he has “never gone public before” on his ability to see apparitions, which dates back to 1986. “I was in hospital having an operation – I broke my ankle – and I died under anaesthetic. I left my body and I went to heaven, where I saw my father who had passed away, and my son, and Our Lady and Jesus and Archangel Michael.”

Until recently, he described himself as a clairvoyant. He now prefers the term “spiritual healer”, and claims to be able to cure people of various illnesses. "People come to me for all sorts of ailments. They could have cancer, arthritis, haemorrhoids, MS – all sorts of things. Healing comes out of my hands. I pray over people and sometimes touch them in their delicate regions.  That normally does the trick".

Last Sunday, Coleman claimed to have had another vision of the blessed mother while visiting the toilet in Murty Coyne's bar in Knock, following midday mass. "I had a bad curry the night before so made a bit of a mess", said Coleman. "It was when I was wiping myself down that I saw the blessed virgin smiling serenely at me from the toilet bowl. I took this as a sign that I should not flush the toilet. A voice told me that she would return again at 7PM that evening and reveal certain key secrets involving the oncoming advent of armageddon if the human race did not renounce Satan immediately.

I went back at 6:55 but Murty had got the specialist cleaners in and destroyed the beatific image of the mother of Our Lord, so this picture is the only evidence I have of the apparition. Murty will burn in hell for that. I don't care that he has now barred me for life.":

Joe captures image of blessed Virgin Mary's latest apparition

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Tuam, Dr Michael Neary, has issued a statement that makes clear the church’s view of Coleman’s predictions:  "That man is a f*cking nutter - I checked with various dioceses and it seems that he is such an oddball that his regular applications for the priesthood were turned down a total of 27 times over the years 1985 - 1989 (bear in mind that back then we weren't too fussy and would take any kind of deviant or eejit). 

Certainly, the fact that he was completely illiterate, and had done 13 years in Mountjoy for a litany of serious crimes was a stumbling block to any potential ordination, but his beliefs that his holieness the Pope was a lizard spawned by aliens, and that the jews (sic) were trying to poison his tea-bags (because he knew too much) also counted against him."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Slagtastic! Bet she went to a Loreto Convent school.

"Wahoo - Jade Goody, Britney and Jordan are my idols!"

I encountered someone very similar to this fine lady on a Saturday Nightlink bus earlier this year.

On that occasion though, the girl wore her underwear in a more conventional manner; Her panties looked like they may have been white originally, although a dose of double incontinence seemed to have occurred, so it was really quite hard to tell. I only happened to notice this fact, as she spent the latter part of the journey upside-down in the stairwell of the bus and caused me to miss my stop and I practically need to perform a gymnastic bars routine to avoid standing on her head or staining my shoes in her vomit, when I finally attempted to disembark.

She appeared to be semi-conscious but was still making a detemined effort to hum along with her similarly classy friends who were screeching out a rendition of the horrific Robbie Williams dirge 'Angels'.

Anyhoo, hope she got home OK and that her family (and the nuns) are proud of her!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Dark End of the Street - diffs

Two versions of the same song. Not sure which I like better (does that make me bi-polar?).

James Carr

Gram Parsons

A sad tale of infidelity and ensuing guilt. I'm not sure which version I like better.

James Carr is not remembered as much now as he probably should be, as one of the greatest southern soul singers of all time like Otis, Wilson Pickett, Percy Sledge, Solomon Burke et al.

He 'fell at the first hurdle' due to mental health issues and ended up virtually catatonic for most of his life.

Gram Parsons was a rich-kid who found that he had a knack for country/soul music and managed to get himself into 'the Byrds' and unofficially 'the Rolling Stones' and made vital contributions at crucial times in both bands' careers, with 'the Byrds' on 'Sweethearts of the Rodeo' and with 'the Stones' on their 'Exile on Main Street' period.

This is essentially his own group - 'The Flying Buritto Brothers'.  Gram Parsons didn't make it past 30 years of age, I don't think. Fulfilling a promise, some friends stole his coffin and gave him a cremation in the Joshua Tree Park in CA.

James Carr made a couple of very brief comebacks but died a few years back, after being cared for by his sister for many years.

I find it abhorrent when people try to do this song - like Andrew Strong in 'the Commitments', or anyone on 'XYZ Factor' or any of those shows. You can't touch these 2 versions...

Friday, October 16, 2009

50 best characters from 'the Wire'

Saw this unusual list on the Interweb and can't really disagree with much of it:

The Wire - 50 best characters.

No surprise as to whom the #1 position was awarded to.
Would  be interesting to see similar top 50 lists with 'Fair City' or 'Hollyoaks' characters. It could be done on City Channel or TV3, with perhaps Gerry Ryan presenting.

I am sure, judging by his appalling 'Ryan Confidential', that Gerry is up for anything on TV these days. Saw him interview Roger Moore last night while he guzzled his red wine in the upmarket restaurant of the Westbury Hotel.  Poor old Roger probably needed to lie down in a dark room for a while after enduring Gerry's platitudes for 30 minutes.

Gerry's sombre, slowly-spoken overdubs defy belief on these shows. Does nobody in RTE have the guts to tell him how bad they are?

Update on my life

OK - this photo wasn't taken from my best side, but I blame the photographer.  I guess I may have taken my recent redundancy more badly than I had anticipated initially, and made a bad mistake in giving all of my Italian designer clothes to that charity shop last month.

No bother though - I hear that the grunge look is back for this season.

This is I in People's Park, Dun Laoghaire, last week. I may have put on some weight but it's all muscle, I assure you.

At least I kept my laptop and can still blog, as I can hook into the wi-fi of local suckers. Here I am sending off my CV for the 1,000th time. The dog died, but I guess I can eat it when I get hungry...

I probably don't smell too nice as I stupidly drank my last bottle of 'Salvador Dali Eau de Toilette' last night, but I think I have enough qualities to ace any interview, in any major company.

Have to go now as it is council bin day tomorrow.  Need to explore them for scraps of food before they take them away in the morning.

Keep the faith,

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Stephen Gately dead

Don't want to offend anyone close to him (yeah like they'd be reading this anyway!) but I'm guessing that we can expect the delcaration of a 'national day of mourning' very soon...

Future presidential candidate, B. Ahern certainly wasted no time this morning releasing a statement lauding this great 'musician' (what the f*ck?). Ahern's PR folks must have woken him up early, as he is promoting his book this weekend. Nice tie-in.

I heard this years ago about Gately, so not so sure how true it is, but it would appear the real reason he emerged from his closet a few years back was that a certain UK redtop got wind of an existing caution from the Irish police against him from years ago and more or less blackmailed him, via Walsh, into either confessing all or being 'exposed'.

Hints: the reason for the caution involved the words 'solicitation', 'mens public toilets', 'Connolly Train Station'.

I guess this will be revealed in the press soon if there is any truth in it. The other thing I heard at the time was that he had to endure the Louis Walsh 'casting couch' quite a lot.

Can't blame the guy, as he came from a really rough area, left school early and didn't have any other way of making money in the barren early 90s. Think I had met him a few times back then, as he was going out with a guy I knew from Uni at the time. He (Gately) seemed a fairly decent chap, very short, very effeminate and (ahem) not the brightest person on the block.
Anyhoo, he dumped my Uni colleague, on Louis Walsh's orders, once he got the Sh*tzone job.
Not much else I can say, except R.I.P., although the '1 down, 4 to go' jokes have started already on the InterWeb.
I'd include Louis Walsh and all of Westlife in that list. Surely we can have a Hague tribunal for 'Crimes Against Music' some day soon.

TV3 - Play TV. Naked Presenters

In an attempt to boost ratings, as they still appear to have very few callers per night, the Play TV folks have come up with a unique  new approach.

Regular presenters J.G., Fiona and that other Northern bird have agreed to appear completely naked on each show.  The callers will be invited to dial the premium lines and guess the amount of hairs on the presenter's body.

To avoid any risk of repetition, in the games, the presenters will also begin each game by shaving a part of their body, behind a screen, then displaying their various 'regions' to the general public.
Also, the length of the reckonable hair will differ each night, adding to the excitement and reducing the chance of anyone winning a prize.

Where's my feckin' razor? I need to get the suit off and trim the bush. Remember caller: "" tonight is pubes-only night, so head hair is not included..."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Whispering Pines

L-R, Richard Manuel (Piano and vcls.), Levon Helm (drums and vcls.), Rick Danko (Bass and vcls.), Garth Hudson (Organ) and Robbie Robertson (gtr. vcls. and band leader)

Perhaps the best piece of work that 'The Band' ever did, post-Dylan; Richard Manuel's achingly beautiful, piano-based composition 'Whispering Pines' from their 'Brown Album'. He sings the lead on this with Levon and Rick on backing vocals.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Where exactly was the real 'Club Tropicana'?

It was never really made clear as to the true location of the 'Club Tropicana' referenced in Wham's classic pop tune, until now...

In fact I can reveal that the real Club Tropicana was actually situated in a basement flat in Clarinda Park, Dun Laoghaire.

The famed nightclub Tropicana in all its pomp.

UCD philosophy graduate Justin Ponce had spotted a gap in the market and opened the club in 1983. It's noteriety soon grew and began attracting top name celebs like Wham, Duran Duran, Grace Jones, Twink, Bishop Eamon Casey, and the Dalkey Rat-Pack (Adam Clayton, Chris deBurgh, Pat Kenny, Ronnie Wood and most of Def Leppard).

"Those were great days, in retrospect", says Ponce.  "George Michael became totally enamoured by the place when he first visited. In fact, he bought 2 places in Clarinda just so he could be close to my club, whenever he was in Dublin.

His lyrics really sum up what things were like in those hedonistic days.  The basement flat could accomodate up to 30 stars at any one time.  My mom served the cocktails through a sliding hatch in the kitchen. Her bedroom doubled as the orgy room.

The place once got so packed that I had to turn away Mick Jagger, Jerry Hall, Andy Warhol and Gerry Ryan all on the one night. Mick was quite dismissive and claimed he didn't want to come in anyway, as he was just 'waiting on a friend', and would get his limo driver to take him to Shaft in Ely Place instead.

Another night, Oliver Reed and Richard Harris dropped in. They were complete gentlemen, I must say, nothing like their reputations, although it took a few hours to clean up the vomit and faeces they left on the bedspread in my mother's room.

It was true that the 'drinks were free'.  I still managed to make a profit by imposing a nightly cover charge of 500 punts, although we'd let nurses in for free on Thursdays. I always wore a Panama hat while working the door, so I'm, sure that was a reference to me."

Let me take you to the place where membership’s a smiling face,
Brushing shoulders with the stars.
Where strangers take you by the hand,
And welcome you to wonderland -
From beneath their Panamas...

Club tropicana, drinks are free,
Fun and sunshine - there’s enough for everyone.
All that’s missing is the sea,
But don’t worry, you can suntan!

"It was actually possible to get a suntan. I had set up 2 prototype sunbeds in an annex at the back of the garden. Things went badly wrong one night when future Eurovision queen Linda Martin used one and fell asleep for 3 hours.  She sufferred 2nd-degree burns to most of her body, but I still maintain that it was her own fault for having knocked back too many cocktails and for fiddling with the controls on the machine.

Her lawsuit failed in the end as I had put in CC-TV and could prove that it was Twink who locked her in the sunbed.

Those were great days. We always had the heating turned all the way up to give the place that tropical feel, and planted some plastic palm trees beside the fish pool in the back garden."

Castaways and lovers meet,
Then kiss in tropicana’s heat,
Watch the waves break on the bay.
Soft white sands, a blue lagoon,
Cocktail time, a summer’s tune,
A whole night’s holiday!

Justin was forced to close the club a couple of years back when an internicine feud between the entourages of Eminem and Westlife exploded into violence. A shootout ensued, the guards were called and Justin was questioned as to why he had been operating a nightclub for 23 years without a licence.

He fled to the Bahamas a couple of days later, where he now has plans to open a new Club Tropicana.

His 83-year old mother got sentenced to 4 years in prison for operating an unlicened premises, as the flat was in her name. While inside, she became involved in a passionate affair with nastier one of the scissor sister murderers. Unfortunately Mrs. Ponce was shanked in the showers in Wheatfield women's prison last month and is no longer with us.  49 Clarinda Park West is still up for sale....

Friday, October 2, 2009

George Benson - Take Five

George Benson does the Dave Brubeck/Paul Desmond jazz classic 'Take 5'. I love to watch anything old by Benson as he had become the official poster person for Ibanez jazz guitars by then.

He almost seems to play this with a certain amount of disdain, like it's technically beneath him or something; At times he is playing with more speed than any heavy metal-head could do even though he is on a bulky jazz guitar with absolutely no effect pedals.

Anyhoo, this was around the time when people had discovered that GB was possessed of a very good voice, besides being an untouchable  natural genius on jazz guitar.

I started to dislike him when he got one of those Jackson family nose jobs in the late 80's, began doing bland pop ballads and got into Jehovah's Witness sh*t. But them is my predjudices.

Will always love his guitars though!

Wahoo - PlayTV may be f*cked

Thanks to the good work of a couple of members, it looks like TV3's shameful PlayTV 'quiz' show may be taken off the air. Should mean a good decrease in eldery pensioners wasting 80 EUR per night trying to connect to the non-open lines on their fraudulent show.

The regulating Broadcasting Complaints Commission has agreed with most complainents and I can't really see any other eventuality than this crap being shut down now.

Here are some of the amusing decisions giving by the BCC:
BCC verdict on Play TV

J.G., don't despair- you will probably still have a career, as a taxi-driver, prostitute or beggar!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

TV3 - PlayTV. An unhappy caller

Someone mailed me on this earlier.

The lovely slag Fiona was presenting on PlayTV tonight with one of their usual completely unsolvable quiz games where you have to count the number of cats left on a bus after a series of improbable incidents occur during a trip...

"Am i live on air?

"Yes you are caller, what's your answer?"

"The answer is you're a thieving b*tch and i don't know how you sleep at night"

Classic! hope someone will UTube it as I missed it... Apparently, they gave away about 200 EUR tonight, even though they were promising 15,000 at one point for a resolution of the one quiz game they played all night. Unf*ckingbelievable.

Think that the other presenter J.G. got done recently in a similar manner when a caller gave the answer as 'This is a total scam'.

J.G., to his credit just replied with a robotic 'Sorry caller, that's not the right answer, but please do try again'. Kudos for his quick thinking on that one!

Bring on the imsomniac merry pranksters!