Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Little Miss Perfect - the most disturbing show ever?

Just caught this on the Biography channel.  It's a series documenting the practise of pre-pubescent beauty pageants in the good old USA.  I thought it was a comedy at first, along the lines of Little Miss Sunshine but sadly it is real.

We get to see the grotesque pushy moms, dousing the kids in hairspray, mascara and fake tan, coaching them on their dance routines, shopping for thong-like swimwear, checking the kids' teeth to ensure that the industrial layers of lipstick they have slapped on their offsprings will not ruin their smiles.

All presented by a guy called Michael (see above) who is so camp that he makes Liberace look like John Wayne.  Michael serenades the lucky kids who make the final, with a really creepy Tony Bennett-type number during which he gazes directly into the eyes of the unfortunate child, who will no doubt be scarred for life and spend 10 years in and out of rehab at some point in the future.

The 3 judges are overheard making bitchy comments about some of the kids:
  • That dress is just soooooooo Riverdance.
  • Plaid is sooooooo in this season.
  • I just luvvvvv her feistieness.
  • In terms of beauty - she is just toooooo plain...
  • Her hair is just tooooooooooo big....

Anyhoo, it seems that the show has taken off in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia.
Here are the finalists from last year's Saudi contest. The one on the left was unfortunately killed when she was run over by a bus as her vision was impaired. The girl on the right broke her nose and jaw when she walked into a lamp post and was subsequently stoned to death as an inch of her ankle was visible as she writhed in agony on the pavement.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Oranje - Sometimes you just can't win

This is an appropriate tune, I think, for the Dutch football team, falling at the final hurdle as usual.

It's a classic 60's garage/psychadelic Nugget - Mouse and the Traps doing 'Sometimes, You Just Can't Win'. Great Farfisa organ sound on this...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

World Cup - No Sympathy for the Devils

Great to see Brazil exiting today. It has always been a gripe with me that half of their squad seem to be evangelical christian nutters, especially these days: golden boy Kaka, gutless midget Robinho and semi-retarded defender Lucio:-

After a tournament hosted in Germany, Lucio seemed to sport a T-Shirt claiming that Jesus loves dick. May he burn in the eternal fires of hell for this libel! I'm pretty sure that Jesus is/was pure and generally asexual, like a nice priest, although he may have been tempted by Magdelene minge once or twice.

Brazil's onfield prayers before the game and pious, rapturous gestures to the sky whenever they score a goal are pretty sickening. Maybe they should save it for the privacy of their changing room.

Well, it looks like their saviour has forsaken them in this instance. Hope Holland can go all the way now. Should have got on them when they were 10-1 outsiders...

Anyhoo, there is a theory doing the rounds that Brazil lost the game due to the presence of Mick Jagger and his Brazilian son.

It does make sense, as Sir Mick had previously been seen in the stands supporting Team USA when they lost to Ghana, and also supporting England as they bombed out to Germany.
Think Mick has a history of this. Any football or cricket game he shows up at, his chosen team inevitably loses. Guess you can't always get what you want...

Perhaps he could attend the next Fianna Fáil Ard Fheis and put his curse on them?

Friday, July 2, 2010

World Cup Punditry

The standard of punditry at the current tournament has been pretty mixed.
Dunphy has seem strangely subdued on RTE - leaving senior analyst Gilesy to get worked up about poor standards of play, introduction of goal-line technology etc.

Liam Brady has also been quite low-key so far, sticking to a few of his stock phrases, e.g.
"I'd have to agree with John on that, Bill".

The Lads

Maybe some of The Lads are a bit worried about how Aprés Match will treat them if they get too worked up on any issue, this time around...

Ronnie Whelan and Graeme Souness do enough to earn their cheques, whenever they are on.

As a guest panelist, Ossie Ardiles was entertaining, although it required quite a lot of attention to understand much of what he was saying. He has left the panel now. Perhaps too many social nights out with Dunphy in the Horseshoe Bar have put him off the whole enterprise.

Didier 'Didi' Hamann is good value also. In a typically German fashion, he is astute and honest in his analysis; He does posess a few annoying habits though:-
  • Dressing like he had got his complete outfit from a charity shop.
  • Performing strange squinting motions with his left eye whenever he is asked a question.
  • Beginning every reply with the standard English pundit's banality "As Eamonn said/As John said/As Liam just said", even if his response bears no relation to anything they had said.
Best newcomer is Richie Sadlier in the graveyard highlights shows on RTE. He's analyst skills are excellent but it will probably be a couple of years  before he makes the first team panel, because, as Dunphy would put it - "He's never played at the highest level, like John or Liam".

ESPN's South Africa Nightly is very strange. Presented by ex-BBC guy Ray Stubbs, it's an hour long magazine-type show, i.e. they don't seem to spend more than 90 seconds discussing any single issue.
They have a variety of ex-footballers as pundits, some of whom actually need to use interpreters.

Former Dutch striker Patrick Kluivert is one of their main go-to pundits He normally looks about as interested in the whole thing as a grumpy adolescent forced to attend church might be.
BBC and ITV have also gone Dutch.

ITV have the scowling Edgar Davids, usually wedged between Andy Townshend and Gareth Southgate, who seem slightly afraid of 'the Pitbull' in case they contradict any of his monosyllabic opinions and get a good slapping.

The Beeb have drafted in Clarence Seedorf, who is super-relaxed, even to the extent that he laughs at all of the weak puns that regulars Hansen & Shearer and presenter Lineker constantly come out with.

I think there might be some jealousy from Hansen & Shearer, as Clarence speaks standard received English almost perfectly, often using much longer words than Shearer in particular can comprehend, plus he's won a lot more in his career.

Anyhoo, don't think many other of the panelists on any TV station would try this pose, but apparently it was for an Italian charideeee calendar a couple of years back.

"Yesh Gary, I feel that the overall dynamic ish good in the current group of Dutch playersshh and I am confident that we can defeat Brazil, eshpeshially if we can maintain our exishting modalities in the midfield  and if our overall dialalectic holds in defence, allowing the forward players the requisite freedoms to fully realiseshh their potentialities."

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Government wins vote on Wildlife Bill

This is a great laugh. Just listening to NewsTalk and they have an array of hang-sangwidge bogshite TDs opining that the banning of 'controlled' stag hunting in Meath is the beginning of the end of rooerr-tal Ireland.

A Wild Stag, roaming free in the Phoenix Park

A Political Stagg who encountered some problems whilst roaming in the Phoenix Park

"Next ting you know, those elite Dublin Libb-har-rils will be going after coursin' and fishin', and banning G-AY sports cus they might be a bit violent if the odd schmozzle or bit of manslaughter happens in an inter-county game".

Mary O'Rourke said she and her party "would not accept further inroads into rural pursuits". I'm not sure if she includes incest, Country & Irish showbands and clerical abuse under the umbrella of rural pursuits.

Sure enough, Jackie Healy-Rae and Michael Lowry indicated that they would vote against the Bill. The biggest buffoon in the Dail and the biggest crook in the Dail, respectively.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Geno Washington - Michael the Lover

This is the same Geno made famous by the Dexy's Midnight Runners classic tune from around 1980. Geno was an ex-GI who stayed on in London in the mid-60s and was a hugely popular act on the scene, as the Stones and the Yardbirds had fecked off to America for long tours, so he cleaned up on the R&B crowds.

Not sure what he's up to now - last I heard, he was a qualified a hypnoetherapist or something, and is a DJ on regional radio in England. I have a book that he wrote, somewhere - never finished it - quite the most bizarre novel I've ever read; a cross between an African 'Mills & Boon' gone mad and a Frederick Forsyth politicial intrigue thing. 

There are a few online interviews with Geno on the web - one with Noel 'fecking' Edmonds. In all of them, Geno comes across as the nicest, maddest and funniest person on the planet.

Anyhoo, Kevin Rowland's lyrics with Dexys were alway incomprehensible, but thankfully we have Google now to assist in solving such mysteries.

Academic inspiration, you gave me none
You were Michael the Lover
The fighter that won
But now just look at me as
I'm looking down at you
No, I'm not bein flash
It's what I'm built to do

That man took the stage, his towel was swingin' high
This man was my bombers, my Dexy's, my high
Oh-oh-oh Geno-o
The crowd they all hailed you, and chanted your name
But they never knew like we knew
Me and you were the same
And now you're all over, your song is so tame, brrrrr
You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name

Thursday, June 24, 2010

TV3 - Celebrity Salon

It's very difficult to imagine how TV3 could ever produce a show even worse than their defunct late night TV quiz game fiasco - Play TV.

Somehow they have managed it with Celebrity Salon. I am embaressed to admit that I watched a whole show last week.

The premise is that 6 'alleged' celebrities have to fanny around grooming salons, cutting hair, going mad with emory boards, performing Brazilian waxes, applying tanning products to nameless models, all under the scrutiny of 'professionals' who coo endlessly about how 'the client always comes first' and 'nails can never look too smooth'.

The participants are four women whom I have never heard of (think 2 of them are TV3 regulars), the village idiot, Breffney from Bill Cullen's 'Apprentice' and finally, the loathsome Brian Dowling of Big Brother fame.

To call these 'celebs' Z-list would be an insult to Z-list celebs.

Anyhoo, Dowling appears convinced that he is has the witty mix of Oscar Wilde and Kenneth Williams but he just comes across as an increasingly physically bloated attention seeker; constantly mincing and gurning, in the most unfunny ways, every time he thinks the camera is on him.

His accent is also really irritating - a bizarre cross between an overly effeminate mid-Atlantic Disk Jockey and an extremely loud Kildare/London hybrid. I think he represents the gay community in a similar way to how Robert Mugabe represents all Africans.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

World Cup Soap Opera

Am loving the world cup at the moment...

France bombing out in an apparent suicide operation.  It's almost like Shakespeare:

Mad manager, thick-as-sh*t captain, schoolboy bullying of the pretty boy, middle class, play-maker;
Plotters: Henry, Evra, Ribery, Anelka. They all came out of it seeming like sleazy, dumb, overpaid, scumbags.

Wouldn't have happened a few years back when people like Blanc, Thuram or Deschamps were around.

Anyhoo, think it is down to 5 teams now. Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Netherlands or Germany.

Hope it is not Brazil - they have too many vocally Evangelical christians for my liking... Expect lots of 'Jesus loves you' T-Shirts being displayed by people like Lucio and Fabiano.

The Dutch are a very good price (8/1) as an outside bet, especially if Robben comes back to re-create the Big Four in attack. But they may have to beat Italy and Brazil in quick succession to reach the semis.

Fingers crossed that England bomb (which they will eventually).

Friday, June 18, 2010

Another FunkMeister gone - Garry Schider R.I.P.

Just read on the wires that Garry 'StarChild' Shider, longtime stalwart of George Clinton's P-Funk organization has died of cancer.

Despite their deliberately tongue-in-cheek, cartoonish carry on, P-Funk were seriously brilliant musicians; none less so than Shider. I don't think it's much more than a year ago that I saw him play live with P-Funk and they were incredibly good. Seeing a 50-something man playing live wearing just a nappy was something else!

Here's a uTuber of Garry doing his thing on one of the classics - 'Cosmic Slop'.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Byrds - Going Back

The Byrds miming their excellent version of Goffin & Kings 'Going Back'.  Think Dusty Springfield's version is a lot more well known, and is usually used on ads for certain brands of tea.

Anyhoo, this is probably from about 1968, when David Crosby had been fired and Gene Clarke returned briefly to fill in.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Linda Martin vs Twink

I promise to stop posting about Twink, as it is turning into something of a very strange fetish, but there was a great interview with Linda Martin today in one of the Sunday Tribune supplements.

It seems the reason these 2 queens of Irish showbiz fell out was because lovely, dog-loving, professional Linda (who is  apparently only 57, not 62 as was being widely insinuated by Twink in other media circles recently!) had retired to her hotel room after a stunning but gruelling performance of 'Menopause, the Musical', only to over-hear her co-star ranting about fragrant Linda, to any cast member who would listen, in a 2 hour bitching session (from an open window in an adjoining room).

"What's that Skippy? Ireland's top all-round entertainer Twink called Eurovision legend Linda Martin a C*NT and implied that Linda has had more work done on her than Michael Jackson? I don't what that 'C' word means, but my instincts tell me it's very, very naughty Skip."
Despite being deeply wounded by the cruel remarks, trouper Linda managed to struggle through a couple more half-empty shows, before looking deep inside herself, and realising that she could never again work with Twink (a.k.a. Adele King) and would need to sell/tell everything to any newspaper that could be bothered.

Anyhoo, this might be the way to settle things between both gals:-

"Menopause, the Massacre". Linda and Twink sort out their differences, like real women. Hope nobody slips on the fake tan...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Wahoo! Twink is alive and well

It was with much relief when I saw Ms. Twinkleton on Tubridy last night, after her recent medical issues.

Have to hand it to her in the sense that she looked well, is an old stage trooper - show must go on - she had the balls to talk about it etc, although the constant reference to problems with asthma medication didn't quite ring true... 

Didn't see all of the interview, but some really funny moments, e.g. when she intimated that some actress was probably 15 years older than both she and Ryan. Now, I'm no expert in guessing people's ages, but Twink is old enough to be Tubridy's granny.

Anyhoo, strange to hear an ad on RTE Radio 1 this morning for Menopause the Musical, wherein Linda Martin is named as the lead actress in the show and there is no mention of her highness at all, so looks like she got the bullet from the project (which wasn't doing too well anyway, by all accounts)...

I'm sure she will bounce back and can get a gig coaching the Billie Barry kids or something...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hellraisers - a jolly good read

Recently raced through a cheap copy of this multi-biog on these major movie star party boys from the 60s/70s.

Burton's alcoholic intake at times, could probably have anaesthetised a herd of elephants.

Oliver Reed comes across, in the most part, as a nasty, bullying drunk, despite efforts from people like Michael Winner to portray Ollie as a shy and gentle soul in real life.

It's Harris and O'Toole though who provide the humour, with copious hilarious anecdotes on lost weekends, bar brawls, onstage feck-ups, doing crap movies just for the money and apparently not regretting a moment of it all.

O'Toole is the last surviving Hellraiser as he sticks to the occassional bottle of Chablis these days, following a medical scare some 20 years back. He still has hopes for a lead-actor Oscar, although he received an honorary one a couple of years back.

All in all, a great read!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Bin the Bongs - no more Angelus

Note: Picked up on this survey thing from the excellent 'Gombeen Nation' blog.

RTE are doing a SurveyMonkey online questionnaire thing to garner our opinions on big issues like diversity in programming.

It seems like an ideal opportunity to demand that the Angelus is removed finally from our national airwaves, or at least gets moved to TG4.

Some of the survey's questions are unbelievably stupid, with very vague references to 'the Wider Community' and 'Serving the Whole Island of Ireland'...

Anyhoo, I filled it in with a few ideas:
  1. Get the Angelus off national TV and Radio.
  2. Axe Fair City and let the actors feck off and play to 3 people per night in Andrew's Lane or the Tivoli (because usually, theatre is their first love!).
  3. Axe Craig Doyle's Saturday Night show. People thought Kenny, then Tubs were safe and bland but Craig has managed to stretch the boundaries even further...
  4. Ban Mary O'Rourke from Montrose and let her go and do some real work (or potter around her garden) and desist from constantly appearing on every RTE TV/Radio talkshow as some sort of political punditry queen.
  5. Don't let Gerry Ryan on TV ever again...  Goodness, that was bad timing when I posted that yesterday. Feel pretty shit about it now:-(
R.I.P. Gerry...

Hang on in there Twink (a.k.a. Adele King).

Mixing vodka/gin or any other strong alcoholic beverage with prescription medicines is never a good idea, especially in the early morning (ask Jimi Hendrix...)

On a completely unrelated note (ahem!), heard Twink interviewed on the Gerry Ryan show this morning and almost knew this was coming...

Anyhoo, although she seems to be deeply despised by anyone who has ever come into contact with her (I recall an RTE friend describing her as the bitch of all bitches), I hope she pulls through; Otherwise:-

  • I will have to delete at least 20% of my blog posts in which I reference her in a less than flattering manner.
  • Gay Byrne will return to host a special 5 hour Late-Late show in her honour. Guests will include the old-school: Hal Roach, Sonny Knowles, Dickie Rock, Brendan Bowyer, Fr. Brian D'Arcy  et al.
  • Maxi will appear and breakdown in tears and claim that Adele is/was a national treasure and was Queen of all our Hearts.
  • President McAleese will declare a national day of mourning.
  • Bertie Ahern will stuff his pockets with freshly chopped onions to help him weep at her funeral (she's a true inner-city, North Dub, you know; well at least North Rathfarnam...).
  • Linda Martin will get  the lead role in 'Menopause', Maxi will assume the secondary role.
  • Paul Williams will publish a story in the News of the World claiming that the old hag was poisoned in an INLA/Maxi/Linda Martin conspiracy, aided and abbetted by the Donnybrook mob leader, the psychopathic Olly 'the Otter' O'Toole, who has strong links to various Limerick and Brack/Noggin/Shankill gangs.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Twelve Angry Men - Lee J. Cobb goes mental

I think this is my favourite movie of all time.  Seems to be shown twice a week these days on Sky. One of the greatest casts every assembled. Henry Fonda does the lead, but also great performances from E.G. Marshall, Cobb, Martin Balsam, Joseph Sweeney, Jack Warden and Jack Klugman (later known for the Odd Couple and Quincy).

Think this was made as a kind of a post McCarthy witch-hunt message, as many of the people involved had been at least semi-blacklisted for their leftie views.

Anyhoo, this is one of the classic final scenes, where Lee J. Cobb's character reveals why he really wants the defendent proven guilty and sent to the electric chair.

Edith Piaf - Avec Mes Souvenirs

On foot of my previous post, this is a quite moving video of the great Edith Piaf in her very later years belting out her 'teeeeem tooon'. Play it loud! :-

Janis Joplin Tribute

Joss Stone and Melissa Etheridge do 'Piece of my Heart' and 'Cry Baby'.

Think it is Melissa who gets Janis the best, although she was apparently recovering from chemo at the time, which adds extra poignancy to this...

Janis was one of the all time great female singers in my opinion, comparable to Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday, Judy Garland, Aretha, Mavis Staples,  Edith Piaf, Twink and the mother and daughter in Crystal Swing.  I'm just joking about the last 3!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

TV3's Xpose - It's Banana Facile

Five completely Facile Bananas - giving the puplic what they need..

Since David Bowie did his skit song on 'Extras' series 2, I've been waiting for the chance to use the expression 'Banana Facile/a Complete Waste of Space' in some meaningful context.

Thanks TV3 for providing the very opportunity, courtesy of Xpose, which is close to being as bad as their notorious 'PlayTV' debacle, and probably equally as nauseating as the TV3 breakfast show, with Mark Cagney and that creepy co-presenter guy Alan who, I've been told, spends his evenings hiding in the bushes on Dollymount Strand, with a scarf around his face, looking for anonymous sex (allegedly!). Ireland AM is actually addictive TV also...

We get great interviews from Mark, looking very solemn and then outraged as he learns that Mary from Tullamore has had her state funding cut for her three kids suffering from Spina Bifida/Autism etc.... He tends to ruin the mood though when he ends the interview abruptly, goes to an ad break and then directly to travel or the weather report when they come back, which is ironic really as Mary from Tullamore is probably making her way through the rain to the nearest bus stop to get to Connolly and catch her train back to Tullamore.

Xpose is a dinner-time, TV magazine show, which makes NOW magazine look like the Times Literary Review, such is its low-brow content, or lack of any content.

It's presented by 5 people; 3 interchangeable 20-something dollybirds who seem to be heavily influenced by Lorraine Keane and/or happy pills, one slightly older (and more competent and butch) lady, and a fey former kids' TV presenter called Sean who got the gig via a reality TV show (on TV3). Most of them have horrific mid-Atlantic accents (with Dalkey affectations), which sound like fingernails scraping down a blackboard.

Anyhoo the show does what it says on the tin. Endless 2 minute segments on the weighty, important issues of the day, e.g.

  • Is the Nautical look in this season, or is the Rustic look coming back? We investigate...
  • Brown goes with everything, but can you go wrong with a classic black heel? We investigate...
  • Has Jennifer Anniston had botox or implants? We investigate...
  • Are Katie and Pete about to re-unite? We investigate...
  • Affordable designer handbags. We investigate....
  • How to buy sexy socks on a budget. We investigate...
  • Whom was Colin Farrell seen with in a Ringsend chip shop last month (all will be revealed...)?
  • Is Danni pregant. We investigate...?
  • Of course, we all know that denim is back,  BIG STYLE. But you do need to accessorise wisely with denim; So, one of our presenters went to TK Maxx in Mullingar for some top style tips...
  • What's new in the A-Wear and Unique collections for that classy Summer look? We investigate...
  • Fake tan or sunbeds. What are the risks? We investigate...
 Plus endless fabulusss red carpet interviews, movie premieres, and wardrobe tips.

 For 'movie star interviews' they use the now common technique where they read pre-prepared questions against a video of the 'star' in question who gives stock answers that were obviously pre-recorded once, for mass media distribution. So they are never in the same room, or country, but pretend that they are!

 My favourite presenter is Sean, who seems to become even more camp as every day passes.  While the girls totter around on impossibly high heels, Sean seems to be trying to fill up the screen by adopting an  earnest I'm a little teapot' pose while spreading his legs wider and wider in each episode, rather like a dog marking his territory; He may end up doing the splits.

He must be paid well, dressing like he has a personal stylist (perhaps he's getting freebies from Penneys), all the time grinning inanely at the camera, with his bleached teeth, and uttering banal phrases like:-
  • Great Stuff
  • Great Stuff Indeed
  • Great Stuff Entirely
  • Fablusss Stuff
  • Fablusss Stuff Indeed 
  • Fannnnntasssstick!
  • Join us tomorrow, when we'll be pretending to interview Hollywood superstar Pierce Brosnan about his latest instantly forgettable movie and on just what it was like to play Remington Steele.
It's PlayTV all over again.  I've just replaced one car-crash TV addiction with another... Oh the Humanity!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Bad Day at Dublin 15 - Tyrrelstown Murder

Just read a posting on Gombeen Nation about the murder of that kid in Tyrrelstown:-

If the addendum on the post is true, then it's sickening that a racist, thuggish, piece of sh*t like the alleged perpetrator is allowed out on bail, or even more how he was walking the streets at all, in the first place.

What is even more incredible is that the guy's (alleged) accomplice younger brother could only be charged yesterday with the enormous crime of 'possession of a hockey stick'. What the F*ck? Thought April Fool's was over. I'm guessing it was a hurl or baseball bat and the naming convention of the charge refers to some obscure, ancient  law to tackle traveller wedding riots/faction fighting).  Anyhoo, I'm sure he'll do hard time for that charge (not!!!). Only in Ireland...

I had thought that, over the last 10 years, Dublin's 'Skanger Nation' had gone back to their mainly peaceful interests (i.e. wearing tacky sovereign rings and Celtic jerseys and getting skulled on 'Dutch Gold' 24 hrs a day) and gradually got over their mentality of 'Dem blacks and dem Bosmanians  duz be taking our jobs. And the social welfare duz be giving dem free cars and big houses to live in. It was bad enough when the Pakis took over the corner shop in 1995... etc.'.

It's a minor issue at this point, but it's also a bit depressing that we have learned nothing from the past English  model and appear to be unwittingly allowing micro ghettos to slowly develop in Ireland along racial/cultural lines.

Jesus is Just Alright (or is he?)

Something for the weekend...  The Doobies in the 90's doing 'Jesus is Just Alright'. Think this was one of their earliest hits in the 70s, a cover of a 60s folk/gospel song.

The first version I heard of this was done by the late-era Byrds on some greatest hits CD. Not sure how tongue-in-cheek either version might be.

Would be great if Crystal Swing did a version of this...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Next Irish President

Was flicking around PaddyPower earlier to see if they have any odds on the Cardinal resigning.

Couldn't find anything, but the race for the next President is quite interesting. Brian Crowley MEP is the favourite. Don't know much about the guy at all, as to what he's done in politics etc, so can't say anything nasty.

Coming up fast on the stand side (as the racing commentators would put it) is Senator David Norris, at 9/2. Think there have been recent mutterings about him being very interested in the post.

It would make sense for him if things get any worse and the senate gets abolished. Not sure who would back him - Labour, perhaps? He would certainly have my vote, if only to liven up the dreary presidential office a bit, and spare us the often-cringeworthy, bland soundbites of the current incumbent.

Here is my Top 5 'Maybe' list and my 'F*ck No, - over my dead body' list (there are actually odds available on all of these people):

Senator Norris (9/2)
Maura Geohegan Quinn (50/1)
Michael McDowell  (40/1)
Geraldine Kennedy (80/1)
Peter Sutherland (50/1)

F*ck No!
Bertie Ahern (5/1)
Mary O'Rourke (12/1)
John Hume (25/1)
Gerry Adams (50/1)
Louis Walsh (250/1)

'Oaths of Secrecy' - the Cardinal sins

Couldn't believe the sh*te Sean Brady was coming out with on radio this morning. The typical Catholic Church attitude; 'I've done nothing wrong - things were different in those days - blah, blah...'

Imagine being an abused pre-teen or teenager in those dark days and being called in by this prick and his cronies to be interviewed/interrogated (apparently with no parental supervision) about the "allegations", and being asked to sign an 'Oath of Secrecy'. The mind just boggles...

To compound matters, on Pat Kenny this morning, some didactic Catholic academic, Monsignor Maurice Dooley, former Professor of Canon Law, opined that Cardinal Brady had no obligation, at the time, to report anything to the Gardaí or the RUC. He was directly contradicted by a legal expert, but still droned on with his doctrinal spiel about Canon vs Civil law.

These people defie all belief, but think this and similar stories are going to run for a while...

To be honest, I'm half-hoping that Brady doesn't resign (although I think it's inevitable).  It would just lead to another weepfest from this sad creature:-

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Theme from 'van der Valk'

A ridiculous premise - an English-language, Dutch detective TV show shot in the UK, with exteriors done in Amsterdam and starring that curly red-haired guy from Hitchkock's 'Frenzy' movie. The Simon Park orchestra provide the legendary theme tune.

Apparently this tune can solve (or at least alleviate) chronic depression....  More likely to induce melancholy - me-thinks, although it is pretty sublime!

The end of the Jefferson Airplane

Was meaning to post on what I thought was the last great tune by the Airplane, but, typically, it was removed from YouTube in the last 30 minutes...
Anyhoo this predates it - the title tune from the Airplane's final album - Marty Balin does the honours on lead vocals - he jumped ship shortly afterwards, as Paul Kantner had wrested the leadership of the Airplane from him.

Grace Slick and Paul Kantner were an item at that time and struggled on for a couple more albums as 'The Jefferson Starship' (I think Marty owned the original name on the Airplane). 

Jorma Kaukonen and Jack Casady were pissed off and had started doing their own thing by that stage and also jumped ship after a year with the Jefferson Starship.

Grace must have been wise enough to put her name on the 'Starship' brand, as she had a couple of number ones in the 80's under that name....

So will have to make do with the Airplane doing 'Volunteers' - one of the most frustrated and angry political tunes of that time:-

Note: one piece of the video montage is not for the faint-hearted...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Cosmic Slop - fashion never dies

This is the probably the last post I make on Funkadelic (I promise!), but this has to be seen to be believed. Michael Hampton's hat is simply extraordinary.

Think I will get one for future job interviews. The hat would be ideal for Paddy's day also.

Didn't realise Gary Shider had such a great voice - maybe I was always distracted by his diaper/nappy, but he is really reminiscent of Curtis Mayfield on this.

Anyhoo, what is really staggering about this is how they seem to switch between 'Soul', 'Funk' and 'Hard Rock' at the drop of a hat (no pun intended)

As usual George Clinton shows up at the end, emerging with a young lady from a wigwam, wearing an outfit that only a female presenter of the late TV3 'Play TV' show would be seen dead in.  It's all good though...

Here is a promo clip for the same song (think a lot of LSD had been consumed by all):-

Play TV is kaput

Yippy-yippy yay yay yey. Play TV is no more:

Think it was just a matter of time before it was put out of its misery... 

Witless presenters, dubious or unsolvable games and frankly corrupt practises, preying on pensioners and those who probably couldn't really afford the couple of Euros to call a line, with a 0.00001% chance of getting through to the studio.

It was even commented on at ministerial level recently.  Think that was what really put the pressure on  TV3 execs to end it, although it was obviously on its last legs - 30 EUR prize money on some games etc...

Anyhoo, everybody involved in that sham/scam should hang their heads in shame...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

LIDL's and Dogs with Bras

Earlier in the week, I was out shopping in LIDLs. I had brought the family dog along for a healthy walk - she belongs to one of my sisters who has temporarily moved back to the main family home while she (the sister, not the dog) does a FAS course in Dun Laoghaire.

The puppy is extremely loveable, placid and intelligent, so I had no qualms in leaving her outside for 3 minutes while I did a quick shop.  She was well secured - attached by her lead to an iron pillar in the exterior shopping trolley part of the store.

When I got out, I was berated by an elderly lady for 'abandoning' such a beautiful creature, who 'may have been kidnapped! (surely dogknapped would be a better description)'.

I really had to bite my tongue to not tell her 'For f*ck's sake - it's a dog, not Madelaine McCann!'.

Am getting to like LIDL's now - was probably too much of snob to go there previously (or maybe cos I didn't speak Polish), but they really do what they say on the tin.  They sell all kinds of cheap sh*t. Would not be surprised if they even sell upper-body support garments for animals.

Anyhoo, back to the dog - she constantly pines for my sister, when she is not around.  Things came to a head the other night when she grabbed one of the sister's bras from a radiator and seemed to be using it as a comforter. I couldn't get her to release it and was eventually half-tempted to make her wear it, and send a photo to:
Bras! On! Dogs!

That would have thought her a lesson.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Carly Simon - Who Exactly was So Vain?

The poor man/woman's Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon has been doing the rounds recently refusing to speculate as to the identity of the anonymous international playboy she once romanced, referenced in her tune 'You're so Vain'She seems to do this every couple of years whenever she has an album to promote, even though the song is 38 years old by now.

Here's a possible top 5 list of suspects:-

Father Michael Cleary:- always irresistable to any woman, and a man who socialised regularly with superstars like Joe Dolan, Dickie Rock and Twink in the early 70's.

Mick Jagger:- One of the usual suspects as to whom the song may be about.  Jagger sang background vocals on the original, but was allegedly more interested in both David and/or Angie Bowie at the time. Plus he was dating a Nicaraguan super-model, so probably wouldn't have had much need to throw his hat at Carly.

Warren Beatty:-  The king of all men-sluts has allegedly bedded over 12,000 women, none of whom he liked more than his own reflection. Most likely suspect!

James Taylor:- Carly's husband of the day. Can't really see how he can be viewed as vain. Skinny, dull, self-absorbed, droning folk-rock singer would be more descriptive.

David Geffen:- This is the suggestion that Carly is currently not denying, although it's highly unlikely - think Geffen is well known to prefer men.

Anyhoo, seriously, if Paddy Power ever opens a book on the true identity, I'd put my money on David Crosby. Just a guess though, as I guess Ms. Simon based it on an amalgamation of guys, and it's probable that all of them possessed Apricot-coloured scarves back in 1972.

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You?

eBay Purchases

I love eBay - it takes a lot of the boredom out of trawling around high street shops for best priced books, DVDs, electronics and quality clothes.The big pains are:

1. Buying clothing when the advertised size turns out to be 3 levels away, in reality, e.g. a Medium sized shirt turns out to be an XXL large once it arrives. I've lost count of how many times I've had to drop stuff like this off at the council clothing recycle centres. I'm dubious about those places anyway, as I strongly suspect that some of the collectors help themselves to the best stuff.

Still, it's a better option than filling up one of those plastic bags that frequently come through the letterbox asking for any old quality clothes for some really vague charity (in aid of Ukrainian Breast Cancer support etc., with no VAT or Charity Reg. Number referenced and an 085 mobile number). 

2. Back to eBay - another peeve is when you buy something that needs to be signed for and your doorbell rings at 7:30 am with a DHL man looking for an electronic signature.

In these instances, to their credit, they are normally polite to a fault and don't comment on the fact that you are semi-naked and looking like you've been dragged through many hedges backwards or have been snorting coke into the early hours...  I guess they get used to it.

Sometimes though it's easy to go a bit wild on eBay. I had bought myself an xmas present, which arrived today. After 20 minutes unpacking it, I realised it was an Indian Sitar, which I remember purchasing as the price seemed pretty cheapo and I was probably in the Chardonnay-induced xmas spirit at the time.

Anyhoo - the seller was kind enough to provide me with an instructional  CD advising how to learn to tune and play it.  I am going to do my best.

If all else fails, at least it has decorative qualities or I can use it to hit burglars with.  If I can figure it out, I will probably need to return to eBay to get a Nehru hat and garment, in order to look the real deal!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Gamble on...

The odds on Ireland beating England at Twickenham this weekend are pretty decent. 10/11 [Paddy Power] on Ireland is one of the bets of the year, but there is some doubt today that O'Driscoll is injured. If he shows up tomorrow, I might throw a few K at it, as England are pretty shit at the moment, although it will probably be tighter than expected as snow is anticipated.

Alternatively, the handicap bet of Ireland at evens is probably a licence to print money...

Will whip myself severely if I've got this wrong!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Anvil: The Story of Anvil

Heavy Metal is one form of music I have never understood. I like a bit of Zeppelin or even some early Deep Purple, but the rest of it just seems like total sh*t: Iron Maiden, Whitesnake, Twisted Sister, Anthrax, Megadeath, Stryker  et al.

That was until I saw 'Anvil'.

I had seen some great reviews of this DVD, a documentary following a real-life scraggy-haired Canadian metal band who unconciously act like Spinal Tap, as they struggle to release their 13th unrecognised album.

At one point, we even get to see a guitar amplifier that has volume going all the way up to 11. Then a rocking workout where the lead guitarist is wearing bondage gear and using a dildo to play slide guitar.
It took me a good 20 minutes to realise that the whole thing was not an elaborate hoax - A Spinal Tap Part 2, if you will.

As the movie develops,  the band squabble over the most petty of matters and we cringe as it is revealed that the core members have both recently turned 50 and have never really made it, after 30 years on the road.

Brings to mind Robbie Robertson's 'to-camera' speech in Scorcese's The Last Waltz where he is explaining why The Band has called it a day, commenting something like "16 years on the road was long enough - anything more than that and... (pause as he looks reflectively off into the distance); The Road has taken a lot of the great ones... (deep pause) 'Jimi, Janis, Otis, Jim Morrison';  It's just a god-damned impossible way of life... No 2 ways about it..."

Back to the movie, lots of interviews with parents, family members, wives and girlfriends expressing their exasperation at these innocent idiots, trying to fulfill some stupid childhood dream, and some scenes of the guys trying to keep their mortgages paid by working temporarily in call centres or as delivery men.

As it continues, we realise that, despite all of the heavy-metal posturing, these are genuinely nice, decent people, albeit living in a dreamworld. Not the types who base their lives on booze/cocaine and luring teenage girls into their LA hotel rooms (ahem, Led Zeppelin).

They can play their instruments well and the drummer turns out to be an exceptionally talented artistic painter, as we see when he gives a tour of his home, but they just don't seem to be able to write a decent tune. "Thumb Hang"  an ode to the Spanish Inquisition, "Barenaked Ladies" and "Metal Metal" are outstandingly bad.

The thing that makes this most poignant is that the 2 founding members of the band, when not fighting, seem to be in a right old Bromance.  They had created the band in their teens and stuck together for 35 years and genuinely seem, when not arguing, to really like, and depend on, each other. 

All in all, it's a bit like Brokeback Mountain, except swapping the cowboy hats for poodle haircuts and filthy leather jackets (and without the sex scenes), but with an uplifting ending.

Anyhoo, this movie is one to definitely watch more than once.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Walk Away Renee - diffs

The Left Banke's original, slightly baroque version:

Below, the late, great Levi Stubbs howls it out with the Four Tops. Think this is mostly mimed but it's hard to tell if Levi is live on the mic or not (Mowtown would often use a trick of re-recording the lead vocal to give it a live feel whenever their performers where going on a live TV show).

It is quite funny that none of them can do any kind of dance move, except Larry Payton (the chubby bass singer on the right).

Anyhoo, Abdul Faqir (on the left here) is the only one left alive from this great group.  Levi died after a long battle with throat cancer (don't smoke kids!);  Lawrence Peyton died from liver disease. Obie Benson died recently also - he had written What's going on (which became Marvin Gaye's greatest classic) after being horrified when witnessing hippie kids getting ruthlessly beaten by the police on Sunset Strip in L.A. in the 60's.

Obie tried to give the tune to people like Joan Baez, but with no success, until Marvin took it in the early 70's and broke the Mowtown mould forever.

Five O'Clock World

A cool, home-made karaoke version of the classic 60's Vogue's doo-wop tune - Five O'Clock Word. Think this song became the theme tune on the Drew Carey Show a few years back.


Anyhoo, great job dog! - you're through to the next round.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Pass the Sick Bag (on da left-hand side)

This revolting, talentless scummy creature is apparently going to recieve some type of 'lifetime achievement' award at the BRITS tonight. Rather like Pol Pot geting a posthumous Nobel Peace Prize. Cue the sound of barrels being scraped...

Friday, February 12, 2010

Twink urges Jacob Zuma to 'Zip up his Micky'

Following relevations that South Africa's President has just fathered his 20th child (from various polygomous relationships), Ireland's show-biz queen Twink has advised him to 'Zip up his F*cking Micky', 'Act his 'F*cking Age' and to 'Be a F*cking Man'.

"Jesus F*cking Christ - Cut the f*cking ting off if he has those urges. Same goes for Tiger Woods and John Terry;  They are nothing more than male whores."

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Hair - Let the Sunshine In

Was clearing out some old videos the other day and found one I hadn't seen in years - Milos Forman's late 70's interpretation of the cult hippie late 60's musical 'Hair'.

It was weird, as I had also recently watched 'Putney Swope' on DVD. Another counter-culture themed movie from the late 60s.

Anyhoo the connection between them is that both feature a singer/actor called Ronnie Dyson, albeit in small roles. He had played the character 'Hud' in the original hit Broadway version of 'Hair' and opened the show with 'Aquarius'.  He was only about 17 at the time and his mother embarressed him on his debut by screaming from the audience - 'Sing baby, sing'.

Think Ronnie had a brief solo career in the 70s but died during the 80's AIDS epidemic (not quite sure on that one - it wasn't the kind of thing that people admitted back then).  He had some voice though...

I always loved 'Hair' for its musicality - as it had about 20 tunes in it and at least 12 of them are superb. Rather like the Who's 'Tommy' which I can almost recite in full, or going way back to some of the stuff my father liked - '42nd Street' or 'West Side Story'.

In this closing scene, the leader of the hippie troupe - Berger (played by Treat Williams) gets shipped off to Vietnam inadvertantly, as he had switched places temporarily with Claude (the naif country boy drafted soldier, played by John Savage), so Claude could have a good night out with Beverly D'Angelo's character.

It must have been all a bit dated at the time the movie came out, but perhaps resonates as much as ever in the 'War on Terror' era.

Monday, February 8, 2010

International worst websites of all time

Wow - just caught this off Popbitch - this website takes some beating...

From the 'Jackson Pollock going blind on LSD' background image to the frankly weird variety of offerings available from Yvette's boutique:-
  • Bridal Fashions
  • Tuxedos
  • Pink Lights
  • Oil- painted portraits
  • Gloves and Garters
  • Prom Gowns
  • Mary Kay Cosmetics
  • Olde Worlde Fashion Sugar Cookies
Best thing is that Yvettes' does LAYAWAY !!  I never quite understood the context of that word until Chris Rock did a piece on it in one of his routines. Think it basically means that you can pay for the product in installments, before collecting it.  The 'never-never' as they would have called it in my granny's day (when a majority of women probably wore Gloves & Garters on special occasions!).

Another aspect of the site is the fact that they have gone to the trouble of adding poorly-translated greetings in several languages - French, Spanish, Korean, Japanese, Russian and (some form of) Chinese.

Can understand the use of Spanish and Korean, given the ethnic diversity in the US, but can't really see many Japanese, Chinese, Russian or (in particular) French people popping over to Florida to purchase a wedding dress, just to get a free garter...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

MC5 - Black to Comm

Think this predates the 5's legendary 'Kick out the Jams' debut album. They seem to be making determined efforts to ape the Yardbirds in both their appearance and playing, but doesn't quite work out, as they appear more like a rudderless teenage garage band, who are just learning how to play their instruments.

Footballers who look like characters from The Wire

From the online football section in the UK Mirror (who would have thought they could do something mildly amusing).

Robbie Keane looks like Carcetti?  Can't really see that.  Poor old Glen Johnson gets compared to a female psychopath character!  Florent Malouda does look a bit like Detective Carver - think it's just the high cheekbones.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Paul Robeson - some live recordings

Deep River, Vermeyoh and Curly-Headed Baby. Paul Robeson was one of those annoying people who was a genius at everything he tried, be it music, theatre, film, athletics, academics, linguistics or social activism.

Unfortunately, the last one led to his downfall, as he was hounded for most of his later years by red-baiting scum like FBI boss J. Edgar Hoover and Joe McCarthy's House of Un-American Activies Committee who liked neither Robeson's worldwide popularity nor his (sometimes naive) socialist leanings.

His US passport was eventually taken away from him, meaning he couldn't travel outside the States (a round-about form of house arrest).  This lead to a series of mental breakdowns from which he never quite recovered.

His life story would make a great movie, but can't think of anyone who could play him...  Definitely not Will Smith!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Church-State Separation - 'Count me in'

Heard something about this site a few months back, but just came across the URL over the weekend.

"The Count Me Out website is a source of information for those considering leaving the Roman Catholic Church (RCC). For many who no longer practise, remaining "lapsed" is not sufficient; a clean break is needed."

Am definitely gonna sign up for this one and do my little bit for for church-state separation, in our beloved homeland.

Hopefully it becomes a rolling stone and we can at least get the f*cking Angelus off our national airwaves. If people have a particular need to hear 60 seconds of bongs & gongs at 12 and 6 pm, why not just download a piece of anal cacophony from Mike Oldfield's appalling 70's album 'Tubular Bells' onto their iPods.

Don't want to offend anyone's religious sensibilities - what people do in the privacy of their own homes or places of worship is their own business, but f.f.s., it's 2010.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Breaking Bad - we are a part of the DVD nation

Got a cheap eBay box-set of the first series of Breaking Bad - the latest must-see, 'water cooler' show from the States, which even 99% of Americans have never seen.

Watched it all in a few hours today and have to admit, it's pretty damn good. It's been out for a couple of years on US cable but nobody has picked it up over here yet.

The basic premise is that a meek, world-weary, double-jobbing, high-school chemistry teacher discovers that, as he turns 50, he has terminal cancer and, through a series of incidents, resolves to make some serious money to leave to his pregnant wife and mildly disabled son in the inevitable event of his death.

The problem is that he goes about this by setting up an ad-hoc crystal-meth lab and then needs to worry about how to distribute the product, and how to interact with some very heavy-duty drug dealers...

The lead is played by Bryan Cranston (probably more known for his comedic skills as the father in Malcolm in the Middle. I think he has won best Emmy lead male actor for Breaking Bad in both 2008 &  2009.

Anyhoo - it's not quite The Wire or The Sopranos from what I've seen so far, but definitely worth watching out for. A little bit reminiscent overall of some Tarantino stuff and, at times, the Michael Douglas everyman role in Falling Down; there is even a McGyver moment!.

Hopefully TG4 will pick up on it, but you can pretty much guarantee that it will be shown at a post-post-post watershed hour, probably 1:30am:-( in the same way as classic American TV like Larry Sanders, OZ, The Wire and initially Seinfeld have always been treated on this side of the pond.

So, as with the Wire, it will only get its due credit 2 years later, when the show is over and word of mouth gets around and the Guardian TV critics and Charlie Brooker have orgasms about it, inciting millions to buy the box-set on DVD.

They never did that with Little House on the Prairie or the Cosby Show (or Fair City!)...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Dublin cyclists - ignoring best practise...

Had the misfortune of being stuck in a red light traffic queue last Sunday while out on my bicycle in the late afternoon.

I had pulled over to the left, on a thin stretch of road, to wait for traffic to clear so that I could take a right turn without being run over.  There was a long delay as the upcoming traffic lights seemed to have malfunctioned... Unfortunately, a f*cking Garda car ended up right by my side and I was stuck beside them for a good 3 minutes.

Eventually, the smart-aleck bogger in the passenger side rolled down the window and asked me what I thought I was doing?  I hadn't murdered anyone recently, so was a bit confused by his question.

Got quite paranoid and was sh*tting myself  as I realised that it was getting dark and I had no back light on the bike because some skanger had stolen it at Killiney Shopping centre a few days beforehand and I hadn't got around to replacing it.  Also, my front brakes were f*cked, which was why I stopped in the first place, as they conditions were icy.

Was expecting to have the riot act read to me for not wearing a safety helmet or luminous vest (a man must maintain a style though...).

In the end, he just pointed at his ears and I realised I was wearing my MP3 inner-earphones (which was admittedly, really pretty stupid on my part, although I had them on lowest volume level). Anyhoo, with that, the lights went green and off sped the Boys in Blue to solve murders, set up a wire-tap, get some coffee or attend union meetings...

Just as well I didn't give them lip and particularly that they didn't blood-test me (might have been f*cked on that one)!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Michael Hampton wrecks 'Maggot Brain'

Think I posted another version of this tune previously.  This is Michael "Kid Funkadelic" Hampton burning the living sh*t out of the classic Eddie Hazel composition - P-Funk's gigantic instrumental masterpiece 'Maggot Brain'. 

Hampton had joined Funkadelic as a teenage prodigy in the late 70s, to accompany, then often replace Eddie Hazel, who was in and out of the group due to serious drug problems.

This is from a couple of years back.  There are loads more examples of this song on uTube - one where Hampton breaks 2 strings on his guitar but just improvises and amends his solo to workaround it.

The rythym section is occassionally a bit off on this, but that's really cos the whole Funkadelic family were (and probably still are sometimes) notoriously stoned/loaded on occasions (in an almost self-effacing cartoonish way).  I think as well they are under-rehearsed and are not sure how to keep up or slow down with Hampton.

The drummer, Rico Lewis seems particularly (ahem!) happy towards the end, and the bass isn't really locked in at times. Can't tell for sure who the second guitarist is (there may even be a third in the background)?, Looks like DeWayne McKnight on 2nd lead.  Must have been a time when money was tight 'cos normally P-Funk appear with at least 15 of their loose coalition wandering around stage on this number, even if the particular members are not playing.

Anyhoo, get the impression that Hampton would have played this solo all night if Lewis hadn't done the enforced wrap-up on the drums at the end. Maybe it was coming up to curfew time...

Great stuff anyway!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wardrobe Malfunctions and Petrol Station Blues

The weather has been so bad lately, so I walked/slipped down to my local petrol station one cold Thursday evening, a couple of weeks back, to buy my usual 20 Marlboro Lights, bottle of dirt-cheap Chilean Chardonnay and various sundries, all designed to last a couple of days.

This particular Esso is staffed almost entirely by Chinese people, most of whom I know on a first-name basis and get along with really well but on this particular night there was a fairly new girl serving on the night-shift who was looking at my crotch area with a sense of horror. It was only then that I realised that my white underwear was clearly visible as my zip wasn't up on my highly classy Valentino jeans. Thank f*ck that nothing else was hanging out...

I remember bombing a promotion interview about 12 years back for doing the very same thing.  Have never worn a suit since then...

The Chinese girl then made a comment like "That is the 3rd bottle of wine you buy this week - why is that? you need to talk to Jesus or you ruin your life". On one level, she may have a point about my personal habits but I don't think anybody needs religion stuffed in their face, or personal advice from staff in petrol stations, in general.

Anyhoo, have been back there since and it seems that she has been given the boot (probably for being rude and ignorant to customers, or for telling unacceptable truths to them).

Monday, January 18, 2010

Bill Cullen - is he for real?

Bill 'King of the Skangers' Cullen and his horrific perma-tanned gold-digger life partner. Don't mean to be sexist on her but heard from a few people that she is an absolute b***h.

This inner-city skanger, used car salesman was on Marian Finucane's radio show on Saturday and couldn't believe some of the sh*t he came out with/was bragging about. Would love to pull the 'irish jig' off his gurrier head. I am paraphrasing (and inventing/over-elaborating somewhat), but some of the stuff he said was in the manner of:-

"Marian, I can remember when the 2nd world war ended. Me and all of me brudders shared one pair of shewes and slept in the outside toilet, so we did. We were so pooowerr, we ate each others shite, so we did, cos we couldn't afford food"

"Kids these days don't know dey are born"

"I duz relax in my place in Florida. Tiger Woods and people like dat duz be my neighbours"

"I will be the first Oirish man on the moon, so I will" Despite being at least 65, Bill has applied for Richard Branson's pay-as-you-go moon shot.

"I am not giving you my age bud I can still touch me toes, so I can. I duz do exercise every day, so I do"

"I usually wake up at 4am every morning, so I do"

"De banks duz be cumming after me, bud it is da same for all moddren biznezz peoples, so it iz"

"I don't like Fine Gayle"

"Meat Loaf doesn't know he's born, so he doesn't. '2 out of 3 ain't bad'? Well, if he was working for me, he had bedder sell ALL 3 95-reg Renault Clios off my forecourts, or he is out!  two out of three would not be good enough for me, I need warriors on my team, Marian."

"Marian, I go intta de skools, so I do, and teach the kids about harhhhd werk, so I doz. If I can sell a 91-reg Renault to one of demz for 3 K, dat's grate, even if dey iz a boy racer and will kill somebody with it."

"My dear mudderrr sold apples, so she did, on Mooooooore Streee for years....  We were lucky if we had the pips from an orange for dinner. Kids these days don't know when they are born, so they don't...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Bass in your face - I Want You Back

Find this quite interesting... One of the great bass lines in popular music, but whodunnit?

Two isolated Mowtown bass parts on one of the seminal tunes:-

 1. Wilton Felder does 'I want you back'. He's playing upright fretless bass, though seems to hit a couple of stinker notes on it. I believe that Felder's version went out on the original Jackson 5 release. It seemed to work though...

2. The legendary Mowtown funk brother James Jamerson does a pitch-perfect 'Ain't no mountain high enough', using just his right index finger ("the claw").

Wilton Felder was a multi-instrumentalist (much more noted for his saxaphone playing) and got the gig as Mowtown had moved operations lock, stock and barrel to L.A. in the early 1970s. Wilton got more fame in the 80's when he had a big hit with a tune called 'No Matter how High I Get (I still keep looking up to you)' with Bobby and Linda Womack on vocals.

Getting back to 'I want you back', I had always assumed that James Jamerson or Bob Babitt must have played on the original of this, cos it sounds like an electric bass part - seem to recall that the riff was originally composed on a piano by someone else, whose name eludes me.

Certainly know that Jermaine (ooooohh my brother Michael would have loved this, can you give me a cheque now?) Jackson couldn't have had the chops to get this down when he was 14 and playing bass for the Jackson 5, although he did play some of their stuff live.

Anyhoo, Jamerson was Mowtown's #1 bass player but, like many of the original Funk Brothers, was hugely reluctant to leave his beloved Detroit and his family, friends, jazz and party buddies when Mowtown moved west, and unfortunately spent the ensuing years being bitter and drinking himself slowly to death (the feckin' eejit). 

People like Paul McCartney and John Entwhistle always cited the influence of 'that Mowtown guy' when describing their bass-playing influences.

One evening, Marvin Gaye stopped production on his classic 'What's Going On' album until Jamerson could be dragged in to play. James was found eventually and ended up playing his tracks whilst lying on his back, as he was so wasted at the time.

There is a sad story about Jamerson slipping quietly into the Mowtown 25th anniversary show in LA, having to scalp a cheap audience ticket from a tout, as nobody had thought to invite him and most of his then existing funk brothers didn't get invites either, even though they had played on hundreds of hits for the company.

Mowtown mogul Berry Gordy got conscientious (and probably more than a little bit guilty) in later years and finally gave carte blanche to the producers and director of the movie 'Standing in the Shadows of Mowtown' to tell the true story of the brilliant Mowtown musicians.

Unfortunately, Jamerson was a long time dead by that time...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Seems that some people don't like Gerry Ryan

I warned my mom yesterday that Gerry Ryan would be appearing on the Late Late Show (she has just about accepted Ryan Tubs. as the new host but would switch off, or perhaps even give up on life completely, if G. Ryan was on).

I am a bit torn on this as I (very) ocassionally find Gerry quite amusing, at least on the radio.

He did eventually appear with Tubridy, to plug his latest TV gig:- Operation Transformation, which can be summed up as 'Lazy, fat, 20+ stone, fame-obsessed twits pat themselves on the back for losing 12 pounds in weight over a period of 3 months in the hope that they will die at age 65 rather than 50'.

Gerry also used his prime time TV appearance to introduce one of his daughters to the nation (I think her name was Lottie, something like that, but I wasn't paying much attention...). Can you imagine being named Lottie Ryan - that must be even worse than being called Majella or Assumpta, as girl's names go?

She came across as a new Irish version of Kelly Osbourne... Just what we need. Her boyfriend Fabio seemed OK but surely he could have put on an accent, if only to seem more exotic...

Back to Gerry - the meglomaniac, pig-faced, liver-lipped, overpaid DJ has given some strange names to all of his kids over the duration of his failed marriage - they all seem to have dog or porno names.

He makes constant references to them on his radio show ("well, when I took Rex, Lex, Pecks and my youngest - Panties - to Florida last month...") , when he is not constantly mentioning how great his Dockland's property developer buddy Harry Crosbie is. Give it a year and see how often he will be visiting Harry in Mountjoy...

He also seems strangely under-educated at times, given that his father was a dentist, he allegedly studied law, and presumably his family was quite well-off. He pronounces words in a completely unique manner as he muses on the weighty issues of the day, e.g.

Moy fawwdddhderr: (in Gerry language, that means 'my father')
Moy muddder: (in Gerry language, that means 'my mother')
Pay-dee-o-feeeell: (in Gerry language, that means 'paedophile', usually mentioned when a catholic priest scandal breaks)
Be very kurful: (in Gerry language that means 'be very careful')
Mizzsusss Royan: (in Gerry language, that means 'the woman who may or may not have a bad habit (sniff, sniff) but threw him out of his own house when she found out about certain stuff'.)

Anyhoo, as regards his TV show, if anyone needs to lose weight, Gerry might need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. Why RTE give this man Licence Payers' money to do television shows defies all belief, as he is a proven, long-standing, absolute disaster in that medium.

Came across this blog page on Gerry which is hilarious:-

Gerry Ryan blog

Particularly liked this entry:

"I would rather masturbate wearing a glove made of razorblades than listen to a minute of this fat, bulbous turd talking."

I am currently working on a vague plan to make similar postings on a certain:-
Patrick Bartholomew "Bertie" Ahern

Why are all of the worst Dubliners from the North Side?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson

Iris Robinson is instantly induced to orgasm by the very touch of her adonis-like (and god-fearing) husband's right elbow.

Wife of Norn Ireland's First Minister - Peter Robinson - and MP for Lagan, Iris Robinson seems to be in a
bit of trouble at the moment.  It appears that she had an affair with a mysterious stranger 18 months ago, during a 'period of depression'.

Something of a clanger for the ultra-right wing, family values, jesus-freak, European version of Sarah Palin.  Imagine there is a lot more to this breaking story (pieces just don't add up, I thinks!)...  An InterWeb sex video would be great - That could lead to the complete collapse of aspects of Northern Irish society and mass suicides around the finest salons and dining tables of certain sections of the Ulster elite.

Couldn't happen to a nicer pair of bible-bashing, backward, bigoted, ignorant, homophobic pieces of utter scum though.

Iris Robinson finds herself now guilty of 'abomination' in the eyes of the good lord.

Apparently, elaborate scented sexual aids (imported from South East Asia) were used during her filthy, lustful trysts, whilst her faithful husband Peter waited in vain in their family home for her to return to warm his slippers and cook his dinner. Surely this 'Eve-like' woman will burn in the eternal fires of hell for her sick sins.

Anyhoo, some speculation has emerged as to whom the 'other man' whom Satan tempted Iris to 'lie down with' might be:-

Suck this finger, you demon harlot!!!
It's showtime Iris!
Please say it is me? I need to divert attention from my paedo brother's story. I may never be asked to Washington again:-(
It could have been me. I am slimy enough to do anything. Just don't tell (the bishop)...
Despite biblical teachings on miscegination in the old testement, a deep fear has emerged in DUP circles that Iris may have been tempted by this dark serpent:-

I'm Tiger Woods. The strange muscle growth in my body since 2006 has nothing at all to do with steroids. I got it through good hard sex with dumb blondes, when my own dumb blonde wife wasn't looking.
Strangely, not unlike Tiger Woods, further suitors of Iris are currently emerging. One, who wished not to be named, described her as instatiable:-

"She was an animal in the sack;  she'd usually start with a wee bit of fellatio and then I'd move around to the back door.

After some time, she'd beg me to spank her while she recited verses from the Book of Revelations. She would often ask me to urinate in her eyes. Wasn't much into that, but it was obvious that Peter wasn't giving her what she needed at home... She had a good bod though for someone her age..."