Saturday, August 29, 2009

Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue wants to introduce slavery

In an move that may provoke controversy, Fianna Fail Ceann Comhairle John'ODonoghue has given the green light to the introduction of slavery.

Following meetings with high-powered EU colleagues, the eminent politician John O’Donoghue explained that he had experienced controversial personal transport expense issues recently, which spawned the idea that, rather than sit around on their backsides, the unemployed would be better put to use by ferrying him around on their shoulders, in a 'Cleopatra'-type manner.  O'Donoghue produced a drawing to further illustrate his scheme.

John O'Donoghue's vision of slave-based ministerial transport.

The very respected (and not at all corrupt) politician was at pains to make it clear that, in his vision, all races would be used as slaves, if his plans come to fruition, but that people from Kerry would be exempt. "It will be an equitable scheme", he announced. He further pointed out that his idea would greatly reduce carbon emissions. "The slaves wouldn't produce much carbon - maybe some methane, but we would feed them proper. So the Greens would have nothing to moan about", he explained in his scientific way.

"I am sick and tired of the liberal media whinging about my travel expenses.  Everyone knows that the Irish Times and the Sunday Tribune are chock full of communists and trouble-makers.  My plan has cross-party support - it is imperative that, when carrying out ministerial duties, a proper sense of pomp and circumstance is maintained when it comes to modes of transport. Otherwise, we might as well act like plebs and take the bus. I have every right to spend 4 grand a night in the best hotels.  I only wish my wife didn't always have to accompany me on the goverment jet on some of those freebies fact-finding missions to Paris, Las Vegas or Cannes, otherwise I would have been spending even more of the tax-payers' money on whores and the finest liqueurs and champagnes. So there!"

"We will use our African negroes Nigerians, native Irish unemployed people from Limerick and West Dublin, and the Polish and Mauritians also.  Sure lookit - if they can stand up, we will use them.  I am never again going to suffer the indignity of taking a 2-minute walk to board my first-class flights at Dublin Airport, when I could be carried aloft like a perfumed Persian prince of times past", commented the hugely popular Kerry man.

Renowned international human rights legal expert, Senator David Norris expressed his initial outrage at the idea, but calmed down somewhat when Mauritian guys were mentioned as potential slaves. " Oooh the very idea!", he slobbered. "Those delicious brown-skinned young men... Will they be oiled up and topless? Their nipples standing out like bullets in the inclement Irish weather? Or shall I have to do the oiling myself?", he pondered, while foaming at the mouth...

"I do find the walk to the Senate quite tiring these days, so a coterie of slaves to carry me around has its attractions; The human rights issues are secondary in this case".

"I'll take four Mauritian youths and another four muscular Eastern-European types please!"

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