Friday, August 14, 2009

Stephen Gately - "Louis tried to make us all bald"

In a revelation that will shock the pop industry to its very core, diminutive, intellectual, singer Stephen 'Hero' Gately of the Irish boy band Boyzone has made sensational allegations that the then Boyzone manager - evil pop industry maestro, Louis Walsh forced a cocktail of drugs on each of the boys, designed to render all of them BALD before the age of 32.

Satan's leprachaun spawn - heartless Louis Walsh, grins unrepentantly.

Talented Stephen, a much-loved, shy humanitarian, whom critics have described as having the voice of an angel, evocative of both Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra, and who bravely came out as a gay in 1999, has written down his shocking memories in a new biography - "Out of the Closet, into the Balding Wilderness";

In his candid admissions, he reveals that demonic Boyzone 'manager' Walsh would regularly accompany him to the wild gay saunas of Dublin and London in the early days of the boy band and, in the words of Gately "often rub some strange potion into my flowing locks".
"Louis explained that it would make my hair shinier, under harsh television lights. Louis claimed that Michael Jackson used the same stuff, so I obviously had no reason to argue."

Slightly obese midget Stephen mused: "I wondered at the time why my hairline seemed to be receding on an almost daily basis, especially when I was out with Louis and showering myself in the sauna or gymnasium - there were sometimes big clumps of my hair appearing in the drain..."

"Louis would also insist that we took 'special medicine', either in oral pill format or via injection. I was always scared of needles (and spiders as well), so I just took the pills. Louis told us they were vitamins, to keep us going on our long touring schedules".

"I know all about the recession - it's happening on my head."

Devastated, portly dwarf Gately continued: "It all makes sense now. I once found Louis in a hotel bathroom going through Ronan's toilet bag, obviously looking for Ro's miniature 'Head & Shoulder's' bottles, in order to inject them with his follicle-destroying, evil potions."

"Keating: Ahhh - sure God willing, I'll get to keep some of it..."

A sobbing Gately continued: "I strongly suspect that he may have done the same to Mikey (fellow BoyZoner Mikey Graham), but was probably too scared of Shane and Keith to try it with them. They had refused to take his injections or pills as soon as they found that it gave them 'no decent buzz whatsoever'. "

"Louis was also very aware that Shane and Keith were tough customers 'from the mean streets', who could fly into uncontrollable rages if a single hair fell from their perfectly groomed heads. The pair were also two of the finest R&B and hip-hop vocalists of their generation so Louis was always wanting to keep them happy, in case they defected to 'Jodeci', 'East 17' or 'Boyz II Men' ".

In a telephone interview today, former Boyzone crooner Graham commented:-
"I'll never forgive Louis for any of this - I could have been a real contender, like Red Hurley or Johnny Logan. Instead I'm completely washed up, back working part-time in a garage doing occasional services on clapped out Renault 5's. Passing schoolkids are making my life a misery - shouting out' Baldzone' everytime they see me. I can't even get a part in 'Fair City' these days".

"Mikey Graham - I'm not bitter, but next time I see Louis, I'll cut his f*cking nads off with a plastic knife and then stick my biggest spanner right up his a*se.

It was around 2003 when 'Brave' Gatley had taken the drastic step of going into counselling to try to come to terms with his receding hairline, which was having a devastating affect on his confidence, leading to an eating disorder (an ongoing addiction to Jaffa cakes) and other issues. It was during this time when he unearthed the horrifc truth...

Balding Stephen Gately does what he does best - smiling and miming simultaneously, while maintaining a completely macho aura.

At the time, evil tyrant Louis Walsh had employed two personal 'home assistants' in his opulent Killiney mansion (Hrithik, 16 from Katmandu, Nepal, and 17-year old Hermes from Manila, Phillipines), whom Walsh had falsely promised to, one day, make into a chart-topping exotic boyband named 'H & H'.

The boys eventually grew tired of Walsh's lies, and repeated requests that they perform greasy, naked pole-dances at Louis's depraved, sordid, sleazy society parties (regularly attented by high-profile A-List celebs such as Twink, Ryan Tubridy, Bishop Brendan Comiskey, Joe Dolan, Elton John, Lorraine Keane, Foster from 'Foster and Allen', Michael Barrymore, Gerry Adams, Sinead O'Connor, Terrence Trent D'Arby, Senator Donie Cassidy, Gerry Ryan, Simon Cowell, notorious gaelgoir predator poet Cathal 'the Shark' Sharkey, Dana, Linda Martin and, at times, various members of popular music groups 'Hot House Flowers', 'Earth Wind and Fire', 'Gina, Dale Hayes and the Champions' and 'Def Leppard')

Feeling both used and homesick, and particularly applalled at the sickening debauchery displayed at these Dioneysian parties, the two young men eventually fled from the clutches of the man they had once called 'Uncle Louis' and, while waiting on a deportation order decision, managed to contact Stephen on his Facebook page, and spilled the beans on their former benefactor's crazed methods.

Artist's impression of typical debauched pole-dancing exhibtion at a Louis Walsh party.

They explained that Louis had bragged about how he had realised for many years that Boyzone would have a limited shelf-life and was already planning to replace them permanently with, perhaps the greatest singing group that the world has ever seen or heard - the emerging 'Westlife'. Thus, he needed to 'slay the fathers' so that the 'sons' might claim the throne. In Louis's twisted mind, the best way to do this was by ensuring Boyzone would all be bald by age 32.

Mercifully, his blood-curdling scheme did not reach full fruition...

At this point, Stephen, whose 3 Group-Certificate C grades (in English, Pottery and Mincing) makes him, officially, the most educated person ever to emerge from his native Summerhill area in inner-city Dublin, knew his worst suspicions were confirmed.

Aware that time was of the essence, he called an urgent meeting with his close boyband mates Ronan and Mikey and they quickly all became wise to the sick plan of the music mogul. They made a vow, there and then, to desist from consuming the medication that the satanic Walsh was force-feeding them.

Thankfully, all three maintain some hair to this day, using a combination of Regaine, Rogaine, daily hand-stands, regular application of a magical eastern camel-semen remedy (recommended by concerned celebrity pal Elton John), and by having some of their pubic hair surgically grafted onto their heads.

The defiant, yet stoic, effeminate 33-year old loser Gately cannot forget, but is willing to forgive Walsh: "I can't hate him. He was like a father to me for years. Me, and the rest of the guys have moved on now. Our hugely unsuccessful 'comeback' tour is keeping us occupied, and there is talk of a possible panto in Mullingar (with Samantha Mumba) at christmas.

At this stage, it's really the others I feel sorry for", Gately opines. "Louis is obviously using the same tactics on Westlife. It's fairly clear that their barnets are going south at a fairly rapid rate. I have heard that Louis has a new boyband 'Skangers' that he is currently 'grooming' and is just waiting to unleash on the world at the appropriate moment. Fair play to the Westlife lads. They seem to be hanging on for grim life, thanks to the gelling and forward-combing skills of the hair experts at the premier Dublin styling salon, Brown Cow.
How long will it be though before they also have to endure the painful procedures required to stitch pubic hair into their scalps?"

Another balding boyband may have their lives destroyed by the diabolic Louis Walsh.

Perhaps the hardest-hit victim of the evil Walsh's enforced boyband baldness program (BBBP).

"Anyway" sighs Gately, "I need to go now - Hrithik and Hermes are waiting in the taxi". With that he waddles out of the room, shedding strands of hair as he goes...

Meanwhile, other stars of the pop scene who may have been in contact with Walsh are now concerned that he might have performed similar tricks on them. TV presenter Ant McPartlin recalls various meetings with Walsh over the years, where he was constantly plied with herbal tea, which he noticed had a 'very strange odour'. In the days following these meetings, Ant began to experience dramatic decreases in his hair growth:-

Could cheeky Geordie chaps Ant and Dec also be victims of Louis Walsh's scheming defoliating machinations?.

Louis Walsh was unavailable for comment as he's on holiday in Thailand at the moment, 'searching for talent'... His spokesperson denied all of the allegations but suggested that Hrithik and Hermes return the Rolex watches before he is forced to take further action...

No comments:

Post a Comment