It's very difficult to imagine how TV3 could ever produce a show even worse than their defunct late night TV quiz game fiasco - Play TV.
Somehow they have managed it with Celebrity Salon. I am embaressed to admit that I watched a whole show last week.
The premise is that 6 'alleged' celebrities have to fanny around grooming salons, cutting hair, going mad with emory boards, performing Brazilian waxes, applying tanning products to nameless models, all under the scrutiny of 'professionals' who coo endlessly about how 'the client always comes first' and 'nails can never look too smooth'.
The participants are four women whom I have never heard of (think 2 of them are TV3 regulars), the village idiot, Breffney from Bill Cullen's 'Apprentice' and finally, the loathsome Brian Dowling of Big Brother fame.
To call these 'celebs' Z-list would be an insult to Z-list celebs.
Anyhoo, Dowling appears convinced that he is has the witty mix of Oscar Wilde and Kenneth Williams but he just comes across as an increasingly physically bloated attention seeker; constantly mincing and gurning, in the most unfunny ways, every time he thinks the camera is on him.
His accent is also really irritating - a bizarre cross between an overly effeminate mid-Atlantic Disk Jockey and an extremely loud Kildare/London hybrid. I think he represents the gay community in a similar way to how Robert Mugabe represents all Africans.
Five completely Facile Bananas - giving the puplic what they need..
Since David Bowie did his skit song on 'Extras' series 2, I've been waiting for the chance to use the expression 'Banana Facile/a Complete Waste of Space' in some meaningful context.
Thanks TV3 for providing the very opportunity, courtesy of Xpose, which is close to being as bad as their notorious 'PlayTV' debacle, and probably equally as nauseating as the TV3 breakfast show, with Mark Cagney and that creepy co-presenter guy Alan who, I've been told, spends his evenings hiding in the bushes on Dollymount Strand, with a scarf around his face, looking for anonymous sex (allegedly!). Ireland AM is actually addictive TV also...
We get great interviews from Mark, looking very solemn and then outraged as he learns that Mary from Tullamore has had her state funding cut for her three kids suffering from Spina Bifida/Autism etc.... He tends to ruin the mood though when he ends the interview abruptly, goes to an ad break and then directly to travel or the weather report when they come back, which is ironic really as Mary from Tullamore is probably making her way through the rain to the nearest bus stop to get to Connolly and catch her train back to Tullamore.
Xpose is a dinner-time, TV magazine show, which makes NOW magazine look like the Times Literary Review, such is its low-brow content, or lack of any content.
It's presented by 5 people; 3 interchangeable 20-something dollybirds who seem to be heavily influenced by Lorraine Keane and/or happy pills, one slightly older (and more competent and butch) lady, and a fey former kids' TV presenter called Sean who got the gig via a reality TV show (on TV3). Most of them have horrific mid-Atlantic accents (with Dalkey affectations), which sound like fingernails scraping down a blackboard.
Anyhoo the show does what it says on the tin. Endless 2 minute segments on the weighty, important issues of the day, e.g.
Is the Nautical look in this season, or is the Rustic look coming back? We investigate...
Brown goes with everything, but can you go wrong with a classic black heel? We investigate...
Has Jennifer Anniston had botox or implants? We investigate...
Are Katie and Pete about to re-unite? We investigate...
Affordable designer handbags. We investigate....
How to buy sexy socks on a budget. We investigate...
Whom was Colin Farrell seen with in a Ringsend chip shop last month (all will be revealed...)?
Is Danni pregant. We investigate...?
Of course, we all know that denim is back, BIG STYLE. But you do need to accessorise wisely with denim; So, one of our presenters went to TK Maxx in Mullingar for some top style tips...
What's new in the A-Wear and Unique collections for that classy Summer look? We investigate...
Fake tan or sunbeds. What are the risks? We investigate...
Plus endless fabulusss red carpet interviews, movie premieres, and wardrobe tips.
For 'movie star interviews' they use the now common technique where they read pre-prepared questions against a video of the 'star' in question who gives stock answers that were obviously pre-recorded once, for mass media distribution. So they are never in the same room, or country, but pretend that they are!
My favourite presenter is Sean, who seems to become even more camp as every day passes. While the girls totter around on impossibly high heels, Sean seems to be trying to fill up the screen by adopting an earnest I'm a little teapot' pose while spreading his legs wider and wider in each episode, rather like a dog marking his territory; He may end up doing the splits.
He must be paid well, dressing like he has a personal stylist (perhaps he's getting freebies from Penneys), all the time grinning inanely at the camera, with his bleached teeth, and uttering banal phrases like:-
Great Stuff
Great Stuff Indeed
Great Stuff Entirely
Fablusss Stuff
Fablusss Stuff Indeed
Fannnnntasssstick!
Join us tomorrow, when we'll be pretending to interview Hollywood superstar Pierce Brosnan about his latest instantly forgettable movie and on just what it was like to play Remington Steele.
It's PlayTV all over again. I've just replaced one car-crash TV addiction with another... Oh the Humanity!
Wow - It seems that JG Murphy has resigned from TV3's late night flagship rip-off quiz show Play TV.
JG does 'Spot the difference' for the very last time.
Like many, I had warmed to him eventually as the most competent of their presenters. Think he will probably have a decent career in the media. It took some skill to be amiable for 3 hours every night while presenting that car-crash...
So we are left now with the not-so-bright Northern girl who dresses like a tramp (with varicose veins) and has a horrible adenoidal Belfasty accent and the almost equally thick red-headed girl Fiona. It just won't be the same again...
In an attempt to boost ratings, as they still appear to have very few callers per night, the Play TV folks have come up with a unique new approach.
Regular presenters J.G., Fiona and that other Northern bird have agreed to appear completely naked on each show. The callers will be invited to dial the premium lines and guess the amount of hairs on the presenter's body.
To avoid any risk of repetition, in the games, the presenters will also begin each game by shaving a part of their body, behind a screen, then displaying their various 'regions' to the general public.
Also, the length of the reckonable hair will differ each night, adding to the excitement and reducing the chance of anyone winning a prize.
Where's my feckin' razor? I need to get the suit off and trim the bush. Remember caller: "" tonight is pubes-only night, so head hair is not included..."
Derval Mellett: "At least I don't have to eat Goulash anymore"
In a move that will shock Irish entertainment circles to the very foundations, it seems that TV3's stunning PLAY TV presenter Derval Mellett has parted company with the show.
Talented trained actress Derval was reportedly becoming increasingly unhappy at having to rip off a succession of boggers, skangers, pensioners and underage callers every other night with unsolvable quiz games in an 'interactive' show which 99.99999% of callers were never able to interact with. Things came to a head when Derval realised that her own grandmother may lose her house after re-mortgaging it to fund her obsessive nightly PlayTV calls.
Also, Derval was frustrated at being paid only the minimum wage of the country in which the show is filmed - Hungary.
This means that PlayTV are left with just 2 of their crack presenting team - the suave boy-next-door J.G. and the shrill, slightly psychotic girl-next-door Fiona. Plans are afoot to quickly replace Derval with a losing contestant from TV3's recent 'Total eXposure' reality show. One of the fey ones, I'm guessing...
Derval meanwhile is being treated for exhaustion, swine flu and malnutrition in her Ma's place in Blanchardstown. She has tentatively accepted an offer to appear in the Aladdin panto at the Mullingar Community Centre this xmas with Stephen Gately, Samantha Mumba (and her frankly odd alien-looking young brother), Twink, Derek Davies (as the genie), the Billy Barry Kids, the Scissors Sisters (who hope soon to be released temporarily, on good behaviour) and the bald guy with the tache who used to run the garage in 'Fair City'.
Her mother commented that Derval's phone has not stopped ringing since she got back from Hungary. "Most of them are prank callers though, saying very, very rude things". "I wish they would just leave us alone", she sighed.
Derval has already begun work on her autobiography and may have some Hollywood roles in the pipeline, in forthcoming movies from directors such as Jonathan Demme, Stephen Spielberg and Sir Richard Attenborough (in the extremely unlikely event that any of them ask her).
"CUNNILINGUS is a good guess, caller. I can see your logical thinking... but I'm afraid it's not the roight answer. Please try again soon, liderally..."
Wow! Just as well I'm not epileptic. JG is on tonight on the PlayTV scamshow. They have just done a frenzied countdown scene with shaking cameras, blazing graphics and very loud noises. Unsurprisingly, they have not had a caller find the 'open line' in the last 2 hours... I'm guessing there are quite a few people who have swallowed their tongues by now or just decided to end it all while watching this farago...
I made a comment about the other presenter Derval in a recent post, which may have come across as sexist. Just noticed tonight that JG also has child-bearing hips. It must be true that TV puts 10 pounds on everybody!
A new innovation tonight - a conveyor belt, moving at the speed of a legless tortoise, slowly spewing euro notes into a shopping basket. The viewer/caller needs to guess a town/city in Ireland without the letter 'a' in the name.
Kerry was one of the early 'correct' answers. Never knew that Kerry was either a town or a city, but there you go...
Anyhoo, JG seems very enthused by this new gimmick, and is thoroughly enjoying himself, grabbing wads of the euros from the basket and throwing them in the air and on the floor, like a photo-opped Lotto winner. The notes look strangely like monopoly money which has been very recently created and ironed by the production team, so they have the appearance of newly-minted currency.
"You could be 'massaging' yourself 'liderally' with 2,400 EUR in crisp new notes" he suggests in his sombre baritone. Seems a bit of an unhygenic proposition JG - think I'd prefer to stick to scented oils and a fresh towel, when giving either myself, or partner, a pleasureable rubdown...
Besides, I'd have no idea how to massage myself 'liderally'. Would I need to use a work of literary fiction? If so, do you recommend Hardback or Paperback? Perhaps I'm just fixated on proper grammar and diction...
"Goys - you MUST call now - I can't finish this game without your help" - JG admonishes the ungrateful viewers, as if he is offerring one of his kidneys to a potential recipient.
"It's not Ranelagh, Castlebar, Rathmoines or Carrickmoines, because they all have an 'A' in the name" he helpfully educates us.
It's getting late in the game. JG is obviously bursting for a piss or a dump and gives the game away with a hint as to what the 2 correct remaining answers are - "There are 2 towns in Kildare - one famous for its glassware"
"I will guarantee a connection in the last 3 moments" - JG puts his neck on the line for us, 'liderally'.
We get a winner at 2:59am, a single caller finally manages to find the 'open line', guesses Templemore, Tipperary and wins the money.
It seems that Kildare has moved to Tipperary. Go figure...
A follow-up to a previous post, regarding the ongoing PlayTV scam:
Feck it, can't sleep, so just flicked on the TV. Guess what? TV3 are at it again. Their stellar PlayTV production is still running the same competition that they had on 2.5 hours ago. It is a grid of 50 ladybird icons - 3 of them have 4 legs on the right hand side. All of the rest have 3 legs.
It's a 'Spot the difference' game - the prize money has gone up to 2,500 EUR (if you can find the open line?). A partially-sighted person could spot these differences - I know I did 2 hours earlier... but the shameless shit who is presenting the show is still exhorting callers to 'foind that open loine...', even though it is obvious that nobody has found the 'open line' and got through to the studio.
Sorry caller - it is a great, great guess, but MINGE is not the correct answer. However, please do try again...
Oh, wait - there is a countdown now of 10 'moments' and the presenter J.G. is getting really agitated and spewing bullshit like there is no tomorrow -
"Only 7 MOMENTS' remain for you to get through".... "Where is that money going?"
" You know what - I should have ended this game - but I'm going to stretch it for this 3 moments"
"Capitalise on your last 2 moments"
Surprise - We are at 'quite literally' the last moment. No callers yet... The 'Moment' clock has been at zero for the last five minutes. JG remains silent, as if he's at a funeral.
Oh - he's come back now - "do I hold on? or do I start another game, with less proize money?", he admonishes the viewers.
He relents, but decides that we (the viewers) need to realise that this is 'literally' the very last 'moment' and he has 'got to have a winner now', since his 'winner is overdue'.
Trouble now - "only 45 seconds remain - it's your choice".
"Why isn't the phone ringing - what else can I do? That one person is struggling to foind the open loine"
There only are a few moments left... It's a necessity to foind my winner... This saga is at the penultimate stage..."
Another '10 MOMENT' countdown. J.G. has pledged not to leave the studio until he has a winner (provided that they call within the next '8 moments'). "'Quite Literally' , the game has to end RIGHT NOW!"
5 minutes later - "One solitary viewer is all I want - what's it going to be? Very last moment... Dying breath of the show..."
'Moment' clock is at zero again - J.G. notes that there are just a few dying 'moments' left now, but he can't stress enough that it is the end of the show, but he just wants a winner.
J.G. 'knows you have the answer'. 'You will deserve every penny'. He believes that 'somebody will win before this show is over'. If so, it will be a 'huge weight off his shoulders'.
20 minutes later - J.G. believes that 'somebody is going to call, but is worried because he hasn't had the answer'.
Another 5 minutes pass - Yet another 60-second countdown has expired. J.G. 'doesn't know what else he can do?' This is becoming surreal... I'm going to bed. Not sure how J.G. can sleep at night though...
Shit - yet another 10 'moment' countdown... This is when J.G.'s 'winner will be dee-soided' we are told.... He is 'literally holding his breath'.
Wait a second - Wahoo! - Stephen from Galway has just won the money. Don't think that J.G. was too pleased when Stephen from Galway pointed out that he had wasted 30 EUR over the past half-hour trying to get through to the non-existent open line?
Anyway - all is well that ends well - the Production staff can now go home and the cleaners can move in.
Welcome to the first posting on the SWEETSHOP, which I intend to use as a forum for semi-insane rants, musical links and (quite probably) deluded opinions on the state of the world; All this from an increasingly grumpy, recently-made-unemployed, 30-something, Dubliner.
Having, of late, found myself thrust into redundancy, by the company I had served with very occasional diligence, sometimes downright indolence, for 12 years (no - I am not at all bitter!), I seem to have developed some form of insomnia, so often find myself channel-flicking on TV at 2 a.m.+
Of all of the horrors encountered on Ireland's high-class late night televisual offerings, the most stupifying, yet strangely addictive, must be TV3's PlayTV - a late night quiz/game show which preys, like a horde of rotten vultures/hyenas on the stupid, the aged and the vulnerable.
Hoi! I'm (quite liderally) the smarmy wanker from PlayTV. Laydeez - you can look, but don't touch, unless you're 'liderally' asked to do so, at the 'penultimate point'...
The premise is fairly simple - viewers call in to answer the puzzle that appears on screen. The big catch is that each call costs approximately 1.50 Euros and the callers have no guarantee that they will find 'that one Open Line' to get through to the studio. This usually results in individual competitions continuing for 2-3 hours at a time, with (surprise, surprise) no caller managing to find the mysterious 'Open Line', until the very end, while the gurning, sleazy, media-studies graduates who present it, drag the show on with sickening, patronising, urgent requests to viewers, bellowing scripted lines like:-
"Really need your calls RIGHT NOW (almost in the manner of Geldof pleading for famine relief during Live Aid) - the producer is telling me we need to end this game; need to close the studio! We have to shut it down... NOW!"
"This is 'quite literally' the 'last MOMENT' on this competition"
"You may be tired, I know it's late, but I really need to give this money away. Think of what you can 'quite literally' do with the 750 EUR on offer? You know what??? Even though the producers are going to 'quite literally' kill me... I'm going to put the prize money up to 900 EUR. Think of what you could do with that kind of money (quite literally)... "
My suggested response to the last one would be:- "For 750 Euro, I could hire 3 thugs from Finglas to track you down and break your fecking legs, you morality-free, total piece of shite..."
Anyhoo, back to the game format - the trick they seem to use is to start with an easy question, with a few callers in the first 30 minutes who mysteriously manage to get through to the 'open line' in the studio with consumate ease, and a 250 EUR prize, which is always 'quite literally' won - normally by an elderly-sounding lady, e.g. Mary in Tipperary, who seems to have hearing difficultes, and has probably already just about reached her regulated 80 EUR limit in calls on that night.
Presenter: "Mary - It is a tough one - it's 'quite literally' not at all easy... think of an animal beginning with 'D' ending with 'G' ? 3 letters, if that helps?..."
Helloooo? I'm only on a non-contributary pension and I just spent all my savings on a hip-replacement, but is the answer 'Dog' by any chance?.
After that, the next game will normally continue into perpetuity, with nobody finding the non-existent 'Open Line', but with the prize money increasing incrementally to, close to, or under 2,500 EUR. Meanwhile they rake in the money on the callers who consistently can't seem to find that elusive 'open line'.
As things continue, the scumbag presenters introduce innumerable on-screen countdowns, designed to indicate to the viewer that the golden prize is 'quite literally' slipping from their grasp:
"Call us NOW! We only have 90 seconds left on this game. I know it's you! I know you have the answer. You deserve this money!"
These presenter countdowns occasionally are 'minute/second' based but often deal in a 'previously-unknown-to-science' unit of measurement known as 'MOMENTS'; Not sure what Einstein would think of this innovation? In truth, this is a scam they use to get around the media regulator.
Presenter: "We only have 10 MOMENTS left on this game"
Presenter (2 hours later) "We only have 'quite literally' moments left now - you really need to call"
"Ooooh, Matron! I'm an utterly tedious, annoying asshole who gets paid to behave like this for a living.
This magnificent production comes from the same people who had a late-night game show shut down on ITV (hosted, as I recall, by unctuous, professionally effeminate, 'annoying-as-pubic-lice' Big Brother winner - Brian Dowling), following the revelation that they ran a competition asking for guesses regarding what a woman would typically have in her handbag. They encountered some trouble when some of their 'answers' were revealed as:
'Balaclava'
'Rawl plugs'
Now 'Rawl Plugs' is fair enough - I can imagine the independent, modern woman carrying them around, to get some drill-based DIY done at the weekend. However, 'Balaclava' is a completely different matter, unless the question-setters were looking in the handbags of the 'very late' Ulrike Meinhof or hideous northern ireland nutcase - Continuity IRA moll - Bernadette Sands McKevitt.
Balaclava babes on heat...
Back to the concept of 'Moments' - in the context of this show, a 'Moment' can last anything from 5 seconds to 5 minutes (quite literally), so the presenter summons a throbbing numerical icon onto the screen to indicate that the game will end in (quite literally) 10 'Moments' and the 'Moment clock' begins to tick in a descending manner. You can put the kettle on, take the dog for a walk, pleasure yourself (twice), or someone else (once), shave your back, mow the lawn, run a mini-marathon, drink 10 shots of Jaagermeister/fall asleep, wake up, then take a bath/shower, do the ironing, yet still be assured that the 'moment clock' will be hovering betwen zero and three, once you get back to it.
Often the quiz questions/answers verge on the ludicrous - "Name an animal beginning with 'C'. The 'correct' answer is normally something along the lines of 'Chinese Giant Salamander'. In the meantime, thousands of suckers are trying to find the 'Open Line' with guesses of 'Cat' or 'Cheetah', reeling in tens of thousands each night for the production company and the beleagured TV3.
Presenter: "Sorry caller - it's not cat; great, great guess though. You're on the right track. We may have had that already, 'quite literally'. Very close - please try again! "
The true 'jewels in the crown' of this show are the curiously embarassed? presenters (whom I suspect are paid so little that they are secretly signing on the dole, disguised in Jackie Kennedy Onassis headscarves and sunglasses, using ID they have stolen from people in homeless shelters), but I'll save my comments on them for another day...
Recommended Youtube musical link of the day is:
This is the excellent, relatively unknown, King Khan, with the Shrines, blowing out 'Welfare Bread' in a Toronto record store. And no, he is not the illegitmate son of Little Richard!
The tune to me, initially sounds a bit like it's ripping off Van Morrison's 'Domino', but is delivered with a sense of ease and fun which, I suspect, Van would never be capable of ...
