Wednesday, April 14, 2010

TV3's Xpose - It's Banana Facile

Five completely Facile Bananas - giving the puplic what they need..

Since David Bowie did his skit song on 'Extras' series 2, I've been waiting for the chance to use the expression 'Banana Facile/a Complete Waste of Space' in some meaningful context.

Thanks TV3 for providing the very opportunity, courtesy of Xpose, which is close to being as bad as their notorious 'PlayTV' debacle, and probably equally as nauseating as the TV3 breakfast show, with Mark Cagney and that creepy co-presenter guy Alan who, I've been told, spends his evenings hiding in the bushes on Dollymount Strand, with a scarf around his face, looking for anonymous sex (allegedly!). Ireland AM is actually addictive TV also...

We get great interviews from Mark, looking very solemn and then outraged as he learns that Mary from Tullamore has had her state funding cut for her three kids suffering from Spina Bifida/Autism etc.... He tends to ruin the mood though when he ends the interview abruptly, goes to an ad break and then directly to travel or the weather report when they come back, which is ironic really as Mary from Tullamore is probably making her way through the rain to the nearest bus stop to get to Connolly and catch her train back to Tullamore.

Xpose is a dinner-time, TV magazine show, which makes NOW magazine look like the Times Literary Review, such is its low-brow content, or lack of any content.

It's presented by 5 people; 3 interchangeable 20-something dollybirds who seem to be heavily influenced by Lorraine Keane and/or happy pills, one slightly older (and more competent and butch) lady, and a fey former kids' TV presenter called Sean who got the gig via a reality TV show (on TV3). Most of them have horrific mid-Atlantic accents (with Dalkey affectations), which sound like fingernails scraping down a blackboard.

Anyhoo the show does what it says on the tin. Endless 2 minute segments on the weighty, important issues of the day, e.g.

  • Is the Nautical look in this season, or is the Rustic look coming back? We investigate...
  • Brown goes with everything, but can you go wrong with a classic black heel? We investigate...
  • Has Jennifer Anniston had botox or implants? We investigate...
  • Are Katie and Pete about to re-unite? We investigate...
  • Affordable designer handbags. We investigate....
  • How to buy sexy socks on a budget. We investigate...
  • Whom was Colin Farrell seen with in a Ringsend chip shop last month (all will be revealed...)?
  • Is Danni pregant. We investigate...?
  • Of course, we all know that denim is back,  BIG STYLE. But you do need to accessorise wisely with denim; So, one of our presenters went to TK Maxx in Mullingar for some top style tips...
  • What's new in the A-Wear and Unique collections for that classy Summer look? We investigate...
  • Fake tan or sunbeds. What are the risks? We investigate...
 Plus endless fabulusss red carpet interviews, movie premieres, and wardrobe tips.

 For 'movie star interviews' they use the now common technique where they read pre-prepared questions against a video of the 'star' in question who gives stock answers that were obviously pre-recorded once, for mass media distribution. So they are never in the same room, or country, but pretend that they are!

 My favourite presenter is Sean, who seems to become even more camp as every day passes.  While the girls totter around on impossibly high heels, Sean seems to be trying to fill up the screen by adopting an  earnest I'm a little teapot' pose while spreading his legs wider and wider in each episode, rather like a dog marking his territory; He may end up doing the splits.

He must be paid well, dressing like he has a personal stylist (perhaps he's getting freebies from Penneys), all the time grinning inanely at the camera, with his bleached teeth, and uttering banal phrases like:-
  • Great Stuff
  • Great Stuff Indeed
  • Great Stuff Entirely
  • Fablusss Stuff
  • Fablusss Stuff Indeed 
  • Fannnnntasssstick!
  • Join us tomorrow, when we'll be pretending to interview Hollywood superstar Pierce Brosnan about his latest instantly forgettable movie and on just what it was like to play Remington Steele.
It's PlayTV all over again.  I've just replaced one car-crash TV addiction with another... Oh the Humanity!

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