Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Elton John - Bad Samaritan

Mrs Gilsenan - "I much prefer that nice Chris de Burgh, Marilyn Manson or Tupac Shakur. Mr. John has not made a decent recording in 35 years. He is a spoiled ignorant pig in my opinion."

Elton John's recent trip to Ireland was ruined by the acts of a selfish, accident-prone pensioner.

Making a flying visit to Dublin, to take advantage of a sale at the top mens' fashion store 'Unique', concerned Sir Elton ordered his limousine driver to stop immediately when he noticed 92 year old Drumcondra pensioner Joan Gilsenan prostrate on the pavement in Cuffe Street.

Famed humanitarian, Sir Elton waddled from the car and ordered his travelling companion David Furnish to 'look in her handbag and find her address. She is obviously high so we need to make an intervention and send some people around to her place to clean out her booze stash and medicine cabinet'.

Mr Furnish attempted to help Mrs. Gilsenan to her feet, but was unable to do so, as she had sustained a broken leg and hip, after slipping on a drain cover.

Sir Elton offerred to fly Mrs. Gilsenan to London, at his own expense, and have her admitted to The Priory. 'What type of stuff are you on love? Booze, xanax, valium, crack cocaine, weed? I've seen it all, believe me...

You need help - you need to realise that. I have helped top international stars like Robbie Williams to conquer their addictions, so there is no reason we can't do the same for you dear, if you live long enough'.

Mrs. Gilsenan replied that she was only taking the occasional Panadol for her arthritis and felt that all she really needed was for someone to call an ambulance, as she was in considerable agony at the time.

At this point Sir Elton flew into a rage and called Mrs. Gilsenan an 'ungrateful old homophobic slag and a pleb'. "Don't you know who I am?", he raged. "I was Diana's best friend and my charities raise millions for AIDs research. You can't even be bothered to get your lazy broken body up off the pavement, you self-centred cow", he ranted.

Sir Elton is not pleased...

"Get me out of here David. Leave this selfish b*tch to wallow in her own denial and crawl her way to a hospital. I want to go somewhere classy like Florida, Zurich or Cannes right NOW!  And I want lots of nice flowers and expensive chocolates in the hotel suite when we get there."

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