Thursday, October 29, 2009

Return of the Moving Statues

Virgin Mary, as she appears to Joe Coleman

Dubliner Joe Coleman, who describes himself as "a visionary of our Blessed Mother and a spiritual healer under the energy of the Holy Spirit" recently drew large crowds to the Knock Basilica when he predicted an apparition from the alleged mother of Jesus.

Coleman (55), who is based in Ballyfermot, Dublin, told the Irish Times yesterday he believes Our Lady appears to him because, “I’m a channel for love, and I’m a channel for God”. He claims he has “never gone public before” on his ability to see apparitions, which dates back to 1986. “I was in hospital having an operation – I broke my ankle – and I died under anaesthetic. I left my body and I went to heaven, where I saw my father who had passed away, and my son, and Our Lady and Jesus and Archangel Michael.”

Until recently, he described himself as a clairvoyant. He now prefers the term “spiritual healer”, and claims to be able to cure people of various illnesses. "People come to me for all sorts of ailments. They could have cancer, arthritis, haemorrhoids, MS – all sorts of things. Healing comes out of my hands. I pray over people and sometimes touch them in their delicate regions.  That normally does the trick".

Last Sunday, Coleman claimed to have had another vision of the blessed mother while visiting the toilet in Murty Coyne's bar in Knock, following midday mass. "I had a bad curry the night before so made a bit of a mess", said Coleman. "It was when I was wiping myself down that I saw the blessed virgin smiling serenely at me from the toilet bowl. I took this as a sign that I should not flush the toilet. A voice told me that she would return again at 7PM that evening and reveal certain key secrets involving the oncoming advent of armageddon if the human race did not renounce Satan immediately.

I went back at 6:55 but Murty had got the specialist cleaners in and destroyed the beatific image of the mother of Our Lord, so this picture is the only evidence I have of the apparition. Murty will burn in hell for that. I don't care that he has now barred me for life.":

Joe captures image of blessed Virgin Mary's latest apparition

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Tuam, Dr Michael Neary, has issued a statement that makes clear the church’s view of Coleman’s predictions:  "That man is a f*cking nutter - I checked with various dioceses and it seems that he is such an oddball that his regular applications for the priesthood were turned down a total of 27 times over the years 1985 - 1989 (bear in mind that back then we weren't too fussy and would take any kind of deviant or eejit). 

Certainly, the fact that he was completely illiterate, and had done 13 years in Mountjoy for a litany of serious crimes was a stumbling block to any potential ordination, but his beliefs that his holieness the Pope was a lizard spawned by aliens, and that the jews (sic) were trying to poison his tea-bags (because he knew too much) also counted against him."

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