Government wins vote on Wildlife Bill

This is a great laugh. Just listening to NewsTalk and they have an array of hang-sangwidge bogshite TDs opining that the banning of 'controlled' stag hunting in Meath is the beginning of the end of rooerr-tal Ireland.

A Wild Stag, roaming free in the Phoenix Park

A Political Stagg who encountered some problems whilst roaming in the Phoenix Park

"Next ting you know, those elite Dublin Libb-har-rils will be going after coursin' and fishin', and banning G-AY sports cus they might be a bit violent if the odd schmozzle or bit of manslaughter happens in an inter-county game".

Mary O'Rourke said she and her party "would not accept further inroads into rural pursuits". I'm not sure if she includes incest, Country & Irish showbands and clerical abuse under the umbrella of rural pursuits.

Sure enough, Jackie Healy-Rae and Michael Lowry indicated that they would vote against the Bill. The biggest buffoon in the Dail and the biggest crook in the Dail, respectively.

TV3 - Play TV. Naked Presenters

In an attempt to boost ratings, as they still appear to have very few callers per night, the Play TV folks have come up with a unique  new approach.

Regular presenters J.G., Fiona and that other Northern bird have agreed to appear completely naked on each show.  The callers will be invited to dial the premium lines and guess the amount of hairs on the presenter's body.

To avoid any risk of repetition, in the games, the presenters will also begin each game by shaving a part of their body, behind a screen, then displaying their various 'regions' to the general public.
Also, the length of the reckonable hair will differ each night, adding to the excitement and reducing the chance of anyone winning a prize.

Where's my feckin' razor? I need to get the suit off and trim the bush. Remember caller: "" tonight is pubes-only night, so head hair is not included..."

Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue wants to introduce slavery

In an move that may provoke controversy, Fianna Fail Ceann Comhairle John'ODonoghue has given the green light to the introduction of slavery.

Following meetings with high-powered EU colleagues, the eminent politician John O’Donoghue explained that he had experienced controversial personal transport expense issues recently, which spawned the idea that, rather than sit around on their backsides, the unemployed would be better put to use by ferrying him around on their shoulders, in a 'Cleopatra'-type manner.  O'Donoghue produced a drawing to further illustrate his scheme.

John O'Donoghue's vision of slave-based ministerial transport.

The very respected (and not at all corrupt) politician was at pains to make it clear that, in his vision, all races would be used as slaves, if his plans come to fruition, but that people from Kerry would be exempt. "It will be an equitable scheme", he announced. He further pointed out that his idea would greatly reduce carbon emissions. "The slaves wouldn't produce much carbon - maybe some methane, but we would feed them proper. So the Greens would have nothing to moan about", he explained in his scientific way.

"I am sick and tired of the liberal media whinging about my travel expenses.  Everyone knows that the Irish Times and the Sunday Tribune are chock full of communists and trouble-makers.  My plan has cross-party support - it is imperative that, when carrying out ministerial duties, a proper sense of pomp and circumstance is maintained when it comes to modes of transport. Otherwise, we might as well act like plebs and take the bus. I have every right to spend 4 grand a night in the best hotels.  I only wish my wife didn't always have to accompany me on the goverment jet on some of those freebies fact-finding missions to Paris, Las Vegas or Cannes, otherwise I would have been spending even more of the tax-payers' money on whores and the finest liqueurs and champagnes. So there!"

"We will use our African negroes Nigerians, native Irish unemployed people from Limerick and West Dublin, and the Polish and Mauritians also.  Sure lookit - if they can stand up, we will use them.  I am never again going to suffer the indignity of taking a 2-minute walk to board my first-class flights at Dublin Airport, when I could be carried aloft like a perfumed Persian prince of times past", commented the hugely popular Kerry man.

Renowned international human rights legal expert, Senator David Norris expressed his initial outrage at the idea, but calmed down somewhat when Mauritian guys were mentioned as potential slaves. " Oooh the very idea!", he slobbered. "Those delicious brown-skinned young men... Will they be oiled up and topless? Their nipples standing out like bullets in the inclement Irish weather? Or shall I have to do the oiling myself?", he pondered, while foaming at the mouth...

"I do find the walk to the Senate quite tiring these days, so a coterie of slaves to carry me around has its attractions; The human rights issues are secondary in this case".


"I'll take four Mauritian youths and another four muscular Eastern-European types please!"

PlayTV - how low can you go?

"CUNNILINGUS is a good guess, caller. I can see your logical thinking... but I'm afraid it's not the roight answer. Please try again soon, liderally..."

Wow! Just as well I'm not epileptic. JG is on tonight on the PlayTV scamshow. They have just done a frenzied countdown scene with shaking cameras, blazing graphics and very loud noises. Unsurprisingly, they have not had a caller find the 'open line' in the last 2 hours... I'm guessing there are quite a few people who have swallowed their tongues by now or just decided to end it all while watching this farago...

I made a comment about the other presenter Derval in a recent post, which may have come across as sexist. Just noticed tonight that JG also has child-bearing hips. It must be true that TV puts 10 pounds on everybody!

A new innovation tonight - a conveyor belt, moving at the speed of a legless tortoise, slowly spewing euro notes into a shopping basket. The viewer/caller needs to guess a town/city in Ireland without the letter 'a' in the name.

Kerry was one of the early 'correct' answers. Never knew that Kerry was either a town or a city, but there you go...

Anyhoo, JG seems very enthused by this new gimmick, and is thoroughly enjoying himself, grabbing wads of the euros from the basket and throwing them in the air and on the floor, like a photo-opped Lotto winner. The notes look strangely like monopoly money which has been very recently created and ironed by the production team, so they have the appearance of newly-minted currency.

"You could be 'massaging' yourself 'liderally' with 2,400 EUR in crisp new notes" he suggests in his sombre baritone. Seems a bit of an unhygenic proposition JG - think I'd prefer to stick to scented oils and a fresh towel, when giving either myself, or partner, a pleasureable rubdown...

Besides, I'd have no idea how to massage myself 'liderally'. Would I need to use a work of literary fiction? If so, do you recommend Hardback or Paperback? Perhaps I'm just fixated on proper grammar and diction...

"Goys - you MUST call now - I can't finish this game without your help" - JG admonishes the ungrateful viewers, as if he is offerring one of his kidneys to a potential recipient.

"It's not Ranelagh, Castlebar, Rathmoines or Carrickmoines, because they all have an 'A' in the name" he helpfully educates us.

It's getting late in the game. JG is obviously bursting for a piss or a dump and gives the game away with a hint as to what the 2 correct remaining answers are - "There are 2 towns in Kildare - one famous for its glassware"

"I will guarantee a connection in the last 3 moments" - JG puts his neck on the line for us, 'liderally'.

We get a winner at 2:59am, a single caller finally manages to find the 'open line', guesses Templemore, Tipperary and wins the money.

It seems that Kildare has moved to Tipperary. Go figure...

Related links:
Late night TV in Ireland (Part 1) - PlayTV

Late night TV in Ireland (Part 2) - Magic Moments

Wiki page

A pretty big thread on Boards.ie on the PlayTV scam

Hurry on down to Belmullet Town

They seem to have great bargains on fellatio in Belmullet, Mayo at the moment (only for July) - Any 2 for 1 Euro:-

http://www.holymoly.com/sites/default/files/images/Mayoadvertiser.jpg

Bring your own bell (and mullet...)