Daniel O'Donnell to fight Klitschko?

Macho Daniel asks Vladimir Klitschko (current WBO, IBF and IBO heavyweight champion of the world) to 'Bring it on!'

Of all of the 'hard men' to emerge from Ireland in recent years, surely none had the charisma of Daniel O'Donnell. A man's man, Daniel possesses the swagger of a John Wayne, a Jimmy Cagney or a John Shaft.

In a shocking announcement during his finale at a recent 'Red Cow Inn' concert, O'Donnell openly challenged Vladimir Klitschko (current WBO, IBF and IBO heavyweight champion of the world) to a bare-knuckle brawl, or an officially-sanctioned bout, in any venue of the giant Ukrainian's choosing. This was after hearing the chess-playing, erudite, huge Eastern-European mammoth casual reference to Daniel's beloved wife Majella as 'one ugly under-sexed cow'.

"Aye want you noy Klitschko!", simmered O'Donnell.. "Let's make it a free-fight. No rules apply - pinching, hair-pulling, Chinese-burns, biting; everything goes".

"OK, sure", shrugged Klitschko who had been doing some media work in Dublin that day and got lost when trying to attend a U2 concert and had to settle for the camp northerner's show in the skangers' hovel that is the 'Red Cow Inn'.

"Bring it on man!" screamed O'Donnell - "you know you want it, and you know you aren't 50% of the man I am", he lisped.

Prize-fight fixer Don King, on hearing the news, put his team into immediate overdrive and a date of September 11 has been pencilled in already at the famous Madison Square Garden, NY. "This is goin' a be the fight of the millenium, trillenium, bee-lenium 5 time over, Oh Mercy!", belched King. "Easy-listening, clean-cut Irish boy versus dirty commie, Russian, over-educatated thug. " We ain't had no real Irish contender since I was a lil' boy".

Cowardly Ukrainian goon Klitschko, accepts, with murderous intent in his eyes, the gauntlet thrown down by sainted, national treasure Daniel...

A 'Bachelor' for many years, Daniel found his true love a couple of years back, when he met the lovely divorcee Majella, who agreed, while both were under heavy sedation (from a doctor recommended by Michael Jackson's people), to become his wife. In the intervening years, they have enjoyed an idyllic life together, making tea for fans and decorating their separate bedrooms...

Majella O'Donnell would only comment: "OK - Does this mean I inherit everything when he is dead?".

The 6ft' 5" Ukrainian Klitschko, with a record of 47 knockouts in 56 heavyweight bouts and with only 3 losses in his career, seemed somewhat puzzled by the offer. "I will take the fight, but, if Majella and Margo are in his corner, then I will have my brother Vitali (6ft' 8" WBO champion and holder of a PhD in sports medicine and philosophy) in my corner. I don't trust these tough lesbian-type women... My mother raised me as gentlemen, so it is not like I can hit them, but Vitali is less moral than I.

"I admire the wholesome 'Country and Western' crooning of O'Donnell as much as anybody, and also his lacquered, choirboy look, but hairspray will not save him from my first left hook when we meet in the Madison Square Garden. Is he suicidal?"

Ex-champ Barry McGuigan, president of the British boxers union remarked: "I didn't believe it when I first heard, but now I'm just buying up as much Daniel memorabilia as I can, so I can sell it on eBay when he is killed in the first 5 seconds of round 1".

Meanwhile, another visitor to the 'Red Cow' on that fateful night - Daniel's big sister (Country & Irish legend) Margo, also became embroiled in a controversy on the same night when she got involved in a fracas near the toilets with UFC middleweight champion Anderson 'The Spider' da Silva, who happened to be in the vicinity, as he had flown over especially to get some speedo styling advice from the 'JUST FOR HIM' menu at Dublin (and Europe’s) premier styling salon - Brown Cow.

When the multi-skilled martial artist accidentally spilled Margo's bucket of Babycham, the butch Donegal gal advised him to go back to where he came from ('Feckin Africa, or wherever that might be (sic)'...).

Following a heated exchange, and communicating through an interpreter, the 10-times undefeated champion from Brazil accepted Margo's challenge to a fight, offering to tie one leg and one hand behind his back and to wear a blindfold, so long as she makes a solemn vow, in writing, not to sing at him.

The beautiful, fragrant Margo. Donegal's answer to Liza Minelli.

Margo has long had a reputation as being short-tempered; this came to a head in 1991 when, armed with a stanley knife, she climbed onto an Athlone stage, during a line-dancing night, and ripped the blouses and bras from rival country queens Susan McCann and Philomena Begley. As a result of this incident, Begley remains on strong medication to this very day, whilst the heavily Republican McCann family have made various unsuccessful revenge attempts on Margo’s life in the past 17 years.

Don King readily agreed to put the extra bout on the undercard of Daniel's fight, if only to make the whole show last for more than 2 minutes.

Anderson da Silva agrees to take on Margo, but makes a mental note to bring ear plugs..