Stephen Ireland - Why I can't play for Eire

Talented Manchester City midfielder today ruled out a return to the international fold.

Stephen Ireland had previously missed out on international duty by claiming that his maternal (and then paternal) grandmothers had passed away.  This came as a great surprise to both ladies at the time.

In an exclusive interview with respected broadsheet 'The Sun', Mr. Ireland revealed the real plausible reasons why he cannot play for his home nation:-

"My girlfriend was recently raped by a lesbian Octopus - it's not something I'll get over any time soon. Also, my sister is being held captive by the Taliban in Drimnagh and my brother was kidnapped by aliens. My Ma has a goiter the size of 2 basketballs on her gee, and my Da's leg fell off last week. I just can't concentrate on international football at this point in time".

"You have to be realistic, Manchester City only offered me 80K per week to play for them.  How do you think I feel with all this turmoil?  That gaffer Trappatoni guy is meant to be a bastard as well. We have no midfield - if a modern-day Ronnie Whelan, Roy Keane or even John Giles was playing, I might consider it cos at least I'd have a decently  inferior partner beside me, but at the end of the day, I'd be doing all of the work, for no money. What is the point of that? Now, excuse me, my Ferrari is double-parked outside."