The Bossa Nova SweetShop

Little Miss Perfect - the most disturbing show ever?

2010-07-14T02:52:00.001+01:00

Just caught this on the Biography channel. It's a series documenting the practise of pre-pubescent beauty pageants in the good old USA. I thought it was a comedy at first, along the lines of Little Miss Sunshine but sadly it is real.

We get to see the grotesque pushy moms, dousing the kids in hairspray, mascara and fake tan, coaching them on their dance routines, shopping for thong-like swimwear, checking the kids' teeth to ensure that the industrial layers of lipstick they have slapped on their offsprings will not ruin their smiles.

All presented by a guy called Michael (see above) who is so camp that he makes Liberace look like John Wayne. Michael serenades the lucky kids who make the final, with a really creepy Tony Bennett-type number during which he gazes directly into the eyes of the unfortunate child, who will no doubt be scarred for life and spend 10 years in and out of rehab at some point in the future.

The 3 judges are overheard making bitchy comments about some of the kids:

That dress is just soooooooo Riverdance.
Plaid is sooooooo in this season.
I just luvvvvv her feistieness.
In terms of beauty - she is just toooooo plain...
Her hair is just tooooooooooo big....

Anyhoo, it seems that the show has taken off in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia.
Here are the finalists from last year's Saudi contest. The one on the left was unfortunately killed when she was run over by a bus as her vision was impaired. The girl on the right broke her nose and jaw when she walked into a lamp post and was subsequently stoned to death as an inch of her ankle was visible as she writhed in agony on the pavement.

The Oranje - Sometimes you just can't win

2010-07-12T00:14:00.012+01:00

This is an appropriate tune, I think, for the Dutch football team, falling at the final hurdle as usual.

It's a classic 60's garage/psychadelic Nugget - Mouse and the Traps doing 'Sometimes, You Just Can't Win'. Great Farfisa organ sound on this...

World Cup - No Sympathy for the Devils

2010-07-03T02:19:00.012+01:00

Great to see Brazil exiting today. It has always been a gripe with me that half of their squad seem to be evangelical christian nutters, especially these days: golden boy Kaka, gutless midget Robinho and semi-retarded defender Lucio:-

After a tournament hosted in Germany, Lucio seemed to sport a T-Shirt claiming that Jesus loves dick. May he burn in the eternal fires of hell for this libel! I'm pretty sure that Jesus is/was pure and generally asexual, like a nice priest, although he may have been tempted by Magdelene minge once or twice.

Brazil's onfield prayers before the game and pious, rapturous gestures to the sky whenever they score a goal are pretty sickening. Maybe they should save it for the privacy of their changing room.

Well, it looks like their saviour has forsaken them in this instance. Hope Holland can go all the way now. Should have got on them when they were 10-1 outsiders...

Anyhoo, there is a theory doing the rounds that Brazil lost the game due to the presence of Mick Jagger and his Brazilian son.

It does make sense, as Sir Mick had previously been seen in the stands supporting Team USA when they lost to Ghana, and also supporting England as they bombed out to Germany.

http://deadspin.com/5578517/the-world-cup-curse-of-mick-jagger

Think Mick has a history of this. Any football or cricket game he shows up at, his chosen team inevitably loses. Guess you can't always get what you want...

Perhaps he could attend the next Fianna Fáil Ard Fheis and put his curse on them?

World Cup Punditry

2010-07-02T00:17:00.025+01:00

The standard of punditry at the current tournament has been pretty mixed.
Dunphy has seem strangely subdued on RTE - leaving senior analyst Gilesy to get worked up about poor standards of play, introduction of goal-line technology etc.

Liam Brady has also been quite low-key so far, sticking to a few of his stock phrases, e.g.
"I'd have to agree with John on that, Bill".

The Lads

Maybe some of The Lads are a bit worried about how Aprés Match will treat them if they get too worked up on any issue, this time around...

Ronnie Whelan and Graeme Souness do enough to earn their cheques, whenever they are on.

As a guest panelist, Ossie Ardiles was entertaining, although it required quite a lot of attention to understand much of what he was saying. He has left the panel now. Perhaps too many social nights out with Dunphy in the Horseshoe Bar have put him off the whole enterprise.

Didier 'Didi' Hamann is good value also. In a typically German fashion, he is astute and honest in his analysis; He does posess a few annoying habits though:-

Dressing like he had got his complete outfit from a charity shop.
Performing strange squinting motions with his left eye whenever he is asked a question.
Beginning every reply with the standard English pundit's banality "As Eamonn said/As John said/As Liam just said", even if his response bears no relation to anything they had said.

Best newcomer is Richie Sadlier in the graveyard highlights shows on RTE. He's analyst skills are excellent but it will probably be a couple of years before he makes the first team panel, because, as Dunphy would put it - "He's never played at the highest level, like John or Liam".

ESPN's South Africa Nightly is very strange. Presented by ex-BBC guy Ray Stubbs, it's an hour long magazine-type show, i.e. they don't seem to spend more than 90 seconds discussing any single issue.
They have a variety of ex-footballers as pundits, some of whom actually need to use interpreters.

EuroSport
Former Dutch striker Patrick Kluivert is one of their main go-to pundits He normally looks about as interested in the whole thing as a grumpy adolescent forced to attend church might be.

BBC and ITV have also gone Dutch.

ITV have the scowling Edgar Davids, usually wedged between Andy Townshend and Gareth Southgate, who seem slightly afraid of 'the Pitbull' in case they contradict any of his monosyllabic opinions and get a good slapping.

The Beeb have drafted in Clarence Seedorf, who is super-relaxed, even to the extent that he laughs at all of the weak puns that regulars Hansen & Shearer and presenter Lineker constantly come out with.

I think there might be some jealousy from Hansen & Shearer, as Clarence speaks standard received English almost perfectly, often using much longer words than Shearer in particular can comprehend, plus he's won a lot more in his career.

Anyhoo, don't think many other of the panelists on any TV station would try this pose, but apparently it was for an Italian charideeee calendar a couple of years back.

"Yesh Gary, I feel that the overall dynamic ish good in the current group of Dutch playersshh and I am confident that we can defeat Brazil, eshpeshially if we can maintain our exishting modalities in the midfield and if our overall dialalectic holds in defence, allowing the forward players the requisite freedoms to fully realiseshh their potentialities."

Government wins vote on Wildlife Bill

2010-06-29T23:01:00.022+01:00

This is a great laugh. Just listening to NewsTalk and they have an array of hang-sangwidge bogshite TDs opining that the banning of 'controlled' stag hunting in Meath is the beginning of the end of rooerr-tal Ireland.

A Wild Stag, roaming free in the Phoenix Park

A Political Stagg who encountered some problems whilst roaming in the Phoenix Park

"Next ting you know, those elite Dublin Libb-har-rils will be going after coursin' and fishin', and banning G-AY sports cus they might be a bit violent if the odd schmozzle or bit of manslaughter happens in an inter-county game".

Mary O'Rourke said she and her party "would not accept further inroads into rural pursuits". I'm not sure if she includes incest, Country & Irish showbands and clerical abuse under the umbrella of rural pursuits.

Sure enough, Jackie Healy-Rae and Michael Lowry indicated that they would vote against the Bill. The biggest buffoon in the Dail and the biggest crook in the Dail, respectively.

Geno Washington - Michael the Lover

2010-06-26T03:52:00.011+01:00

This is the same Geno made famous by the Dexy's Midnight Runners classic tune from around 1980. Geno was an ex-GI who stayed on in London in the mid-60s and was a hugely popular act on the scene, as the Stones and the Yardbirds had fecked off to America for long tours, so he cleaned up on the R&B crowds.

Not sure what he's up to now - last I heard, he was a qualified a hypnoetherapist or something, and is a DJ on regional radio in England. I have a book that he wrote, somewhere - never finished it - quite the most bizarre novel I've ever read; a cross between an African 'Mills & Boon' gone mad and a Frederick Forsyth politicial intrigue thing.

There are a few online interviews with Geno on the web - one with Noel 'fecking' Edmonds. In all of them, Geno comes across as the nicest, maddest and funniest person on the planet.

Anyhoo, Kevin Rowland's lyrics with Dexys were alway incomprehensible, but thankfully we have Google now to assist in solving such mysteries.

Academic inspiration, you gave me none
You were Michael the Lover
The fighter that won
But now just look at me as
I'm looking down at you
No, I'm not bein flash
It's what I'm built to do

That man took the stage, his towel was swingin' high
This man was my bombers, my Dexy's, my high
Oh-oh-oh Geno-o
The crowd they all hailed you, and chanted your name
But they never knew like we knew
Me and you were the same
And now you're all over, your song is so tame, brrrrr
You fed me, you bred me, I'll remember your name

TV3 - Celebrity Salon

2010-06-24T00:33:00.009+01:00

It's very difficult to imagine how TV3 could ever produce a show even worse than their defunct late night TV quiz game fiasco - Play TV.

Somehow they have managed it with Celebrity Salon. I am embaressed to admit that I watched a whole show last week.

The premise is that 6 'alleged' celebrities have to fanny around grooming salons, cutting hair, going mad with emory boards, performing Brazilian waxes, applying tanning products to nameless models, all under the scrutiny of 'professionals' who coo endlessly about how 'the client always comes first' and 'nails can never look too smooth'.

The participants are four women whom I have never heard of (think 2 of them are TV3 regulars), the village idiot, Breffney from Bill Cullen's 'Apprentice' and finally, the loathsome Brian Dowling of Big Brother fame.

To call these 'celebs' Z-list would be an insult to Z-list celebs.

Anyhoo, Dowling appears convinced that he is has the witty mix of Oscar Wilde and Kenneth Williams but he just comes across as an increasingly physically bloated attention seeker; constantly mincing and gurning, in the most unfunny ways, every time he thinks the camera is on him.

His accent is also really irritating - a bizarre cross between an overly effeminate mid-Atlantic Disk Jockey and an extremely loud Kildare/London hybrid. I think he represents the gay community in a similar way to how Robert Mugabe represents all Africans.

World Cup Soap Opera

2010-06-22T23:17:00.010+01:00

Am loving the world cup at the moment...

France bombing out in an apparent suicide operation. It's almost like Shakespeare:

Mad manager, thick-as-sh*t captain, schoolboy bullying of the pretty boy, middle class, play-maker;
Plotters: Henry, Evra, Ribery, Anelka. They all came out of it seeming like sleazy, dumb, overpaid, scumbags.

Wouldn't have happened a few years back when people like Blanc, Thuram or Deschamps were around.

Anyhoo, think it is down to 5 teams now. Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Netherlands or Germany.

Hope it is not Brazil - they have too many vocally Evangelical christians for my liking... Expect lots of 'Jesus loves you' T-Shirts being displayed by people like Lucio and Fabiano.

The Dutch are a very good price (8/1) as an outside bet, especially if Robben comes back to re-create the Big Four in attack. But they may have to beat Italy and Brazil in quick succession to reach the semis.

Fingers crossed that England bomb (which they will eventually).

Another FunkMeister gone - Garry Schider R.I.P.

2010-06-18T00:56:00.004+01:00

Just read on the wires that Garry 'StarChild' Shider, longtime stalwart of George Clinton's P-Funk organization has died of cancer.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/37764601/ns/today-entertainment/

Despite their deliberately tongue-in-cheek, cartoonish carry on, P-Funk were seriously brilliant musicians; none less so than Shider. I don't think it's much more than a year ago that I saw him play live with P-Funk and they were incredibly good. Seeing a 50-something man playing live wearing just a nappy was something else!

Here's a uTuber of Garry doing his thing on one of the classics - 'Cosmic Slop'.
http://bosanovasweetshop.blogspot.com/2010/03/cosmic-slop-fashion-never-dies.html

The Byrds - Going Back

2010-06-15T17:08:00.001+01:00

The Byrds miming their excellent version of Goffin & Kings 'Going Back'. Think Dusty Springfield's version is a lot more well known, and is usually used on ads for certain brands of tea.

Anyhoo, this is probably from about 1968, when David Crosby had been fired and Gene Clarke returned briefly to fill in.

Linda Martin vs Twink

2010-05-30T19:14:00.012+01:00

I promise to stop posting about Twink, as it is turning into something of a very strange fetish, but there was a great interview with Linda Martin today in one of the Sunday Tribune supplements.

It seems the reason these 2 queens of Irish showbiz fell out was because lovely, dog-loving, professional Linda (who is apparently only 57, not 62 as was being widely insinuated by Twink in other media circles recently!) had retired to her hotel room after a stunning but gruelling performance of 'Menopause, the Musical', only to over-hear her co-star ranting about fragrant Linda, to any cast member who would listen, in a 2 hour bitching session (from an open window in an adjoining room).

"What's that Skippy? Ireland's top all-round entertainer Twink called Eurovision legend Linda Martin a C*NT and implied that Linda has had more work done on her than Michael Jackson? I don't what that 'C' word means, but my instincts tell me it's very, very naughty Skip."

Despite being deeply wounded by the cruel remarks, trouper Linda managed to struggle through a couple more half-empty shows, before looking deep inside herself, and realising that she could never again work with Twink (a.k.a. Adele King) and would need to sell/tell everything to any newspaper that could be bothered.

Anyhoo, this might be the way to settle things between both gals:-

"Menopause, the Massacre". Linda and Twink sort out their differences, like real women. Hope nobody slips on the fake tan...

Wahoo! Twink is alive and well

2010-05-15T18:59:00.006+01:00

It was with much relief when I saw Ms. Twinkleton on Tubridy last night, after her recent medical issues.

Have to hand it to her in the sense that she looked well, is an old stage trooper - show must go on - she had the balls to talk about it etc, although the constant reference to problems with asthma medication didn't quite ring true...

Didn't see all of the interview, but some really funny moments, e.g. when she intimated that some actress was probably 15 years older than both she and Ryan. Now, I'm no expert in guessing people's ages, but Twink is old enough to be Tubridy's granny.

Anyhoo, strange to hear an ad on RTE Radio 1 this morning for Menopause the Musical, wherein Linda Martin is named as the lead actress in the show and there is no mention of her highness at all, so looks like she got the bullet from the project (which wasn't doing too well anyway, by all accounts)...

I'm sure she will bounce back and can get a gig coaching the Billie Barry kids or something...

Hellraisers - a jolly good read

2010-05-12T18:26:00.003+01:00

Recently raced through a cheap copy of this multi-biog on these major movie star party boys from the 60s/70s.

Burton's alcoholic intake at times, could probably have anaesthetised a herd of elephants.

Oliver Reed comes across, in the most part, as a nasty, bullying drunk, despite efforts from people like Michael Winner to portray Ollie as a shy and gentle soul in real life.

It's Harris and O'Toole though who provide the humour, with copious hilarious anecdotes on lost weekends, bar brawls, onstage feck-ups, doing crap movies just for the money and apparently not regretting a moment of it all.

O'Toole is the last surviving Hellraiser as he sticks to the occassional bottle of Chablis these days, following a medical scare some 20 years back. He still has hopes for a lead-actor Oscar, although he received an honorary one a couple of years back.

All in all, a great read!

Bin the Bongs - no more Angelus

2010-04-28T12:36:00.006+01:00

Note: Picked up on this survey thing from the excellent 'Gombeen Nation' blog.

RTE are doing a SurveyMonkey online questionnaire thing to garner our opinions on big issues like diversity in programming.

http://www.rte.ie/about/publicservicestatement.html

It seems like an ideal opportunity to demand that the Angelus is removed finally from our national airwaves, or at least gets moved to TG4.

Some of the survey's questions are unbelievably stupid, with very vague references to 'the Wider Community' and 'Serving the Whole Island of Ireland'...

Anyhoo, I filled it in with a few ideas:

Get the Angelus off national TV and Radio.
Axe Fair City and let the actors feck off and play to 3 people per night in Andrew's Lane or the Tivoli (because usually, theatre is their first love!).
Axe Craig Doyle's Saturday Night show. People thought Kenny, then Tubs were safe and bland but Craig has managed to stretch the boundaries even further...
Ban Mary O'Rourke from Montrose and let her go and do some real work (or potter around her garden) and desist from constantly appearing on every RTE TV/Radio talkshow as some sort of political punditry queen.
~~Don't let Gerry Ryan on TV ever again...~~ Goodness, that was bad timing when I posted that yesterday. Feel pretty shit about it now:-(

R.I.P. Gerry...

Hang on in there Twink (a.k.a. Adele King).

2010-04-28T00:36:00.012+01:00

Mixing vodka/gin or any other strong alcoholic beverage with prescription medicines is never a good idea, especially in the early morning (ask Jimi Hendrix...)

On a completely unrelated note (ahem!), heard Twink interviewed on the Gerry Ryan show this morning and almost knew this was coming...
http://www.rte.ie/arts/2010/0427/twink2.html

Anyhoo, although she seems to be deeply despised by anyone who has ever come into contact with her (I recall an RTE friend describing her as the bitch of all bitches), I hope she pulls through; Otherwise:-

I will have to delete at least 20% of my blog posts in which I reference her in a less than flattering manner.
Gay Byrne will return to host a special 5 hour Late-Late show in her honour. Guests will include the old-school: Hal Roach, Sonny Knowles, Dickie Rock, Brendan Bowyer, Fr. Brian D'Arcy et al.
Maxi will appear and breakdown in tears and claim that Adele is/was a national treasure and was Queen of all our Hearts.
President McAleese will declare a national day of mourning.
Bertie Ahern will stuff his pockets with freshly chopped onions to help him weep at her funeral (she's a true inner-city, North Dub, you know; well at least North Rathfarnam...).
Linda Martin will get the lead role in 'Menopause', Maxi will assume the secondary role.
Paul Williams will publish a story in the News of the World claiming that the old hag was poisoned in an INLA/Maxi/Linda Martin conspiracy, aided and abbetted by the Donnybrook mob leader, the psychopathic Olly 'the Otter' O'Toole, who has strong links to various Limerick and Brack/Noggin/Shankill gangs.

Twelve Angry Men - Lee J. Cobb goes mental

2010-04-19T23:47:00.005+01:00

I think this is my favourite movie of all time. Seems to be shown twice a week these days on Sky. One of the greatest casts every assembled. Henry Fonda does the lead, but also great performances from E.G. Marshall, Cobb, Martin Balsam, Joseph Sweeney, Jack Warden and Jack Klugman (later known for the Odd Couple and Quincy).

Think this was made as a kind of a post McCarthy witch-hunt message, as many of the people involved had been at least semi-blacklisted for their leftie views.

Anyhoo, this is one of the classic final scenes, where Lee J. Cobb's character reveals why he really wants the defendent proven guilty and sent to the electric chair.

Edith Piaf - Avec Mes Souvenirs

2010-04-19T01:13:00.001+01:00

On foot of my previous post, this is a quite moving video of the great Edith Piaf in her very later years belting out her 'teeeeem tooon'. Play it loud! :-

Janis Joplin Tribute

2010-04-19T00:51:00.002+01:00

Joss Stone and Melissa Etheridge do 'Piece of my Heart' and 'Cry Baby'.

Think it is Melissa who gets Janis the best, although she was apparently recovering from chemo at the time, which adds extra poignancy to this...

Janis was one of the all time great female singers in my opinion, comparable to Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday, Judy Garland, Aretha, Mavis Staples, Edith Piaf, Twink and the mother and daughter in Crystal Swing. I'm just joking about the last 3!

TV3's Xpose - It's Banana Facile

2010-04-14T19:10:00.015+01:00

Five completely Facile Bananas - giving the puplic what they need..

Since David Bowie did his skit song on 'Extras' series 2, I've been waiting for the chance to use the expression 'Banana Facile/a Complete Waste of Space' in some meaningful context.

Thanks TV3 for providing the very opportunity, courtesy of Xpose, which is close to being as bad as their notorious 'PlayTV' debacle, and probably equally as nauseating as the TV3 breakfast show, with Mark Cagney and that creepy co-presenter guy Alan who, I've been told, spends his evenings hiding in the bushes on Dollymount Strand, with a scarf around his face, looking for anonymous sex (allegedly!). Ireland AM is actually addictive TV also...

We get great interviews from Mark, looking very solemn and then outraged as he learns that Mary from Tullamore has had her state funding cut for her three kids suffering from Spina Bifida/Autism etc.... He tends to ruin the mood though when he ends the interview abruptly, goes to an ad break and then directly to travel or the weather report when they come back, which is ironic really as Mary from Tullamore is probably making her way through the rain to the nearest bus stop to get to Connolly and catch her train back to Tullamore.

Xpose is a dinner-time, TV magazine show, which makes NOW magazine look like the Times Literary Review, such is its low-brow content, or lack of any content.

It's presented by 5 people; 3 interchangeable 20-something dollybirds who seem to be heavily influenced by Lorraine Keane and/or happy pills, one slightly older (and more competent and butch) lady, and a fey former kids' TV presenter called Sean who got the gig via a reality TV show (on TV3). Most of them have horrific mid-Atlantic accents (with Dalkey affectations), which sound like fingernails scraping down a blackboard.

Anyhoo the show does what it says on the tin. Endless 2 minute segments on the weighty, important issues of the day, e.g.

Is the Nautical look in this season, or is the Rustic look coming back? We investigate...
Brown goes with everything, but can you go wrong with a classic black heel? We investigate...
Has Jennifer Anniston had botox or implants? We investigate...
Are Katie and Pete about to re-unite? We investigate...
Affordable designer handbags. We investigate....
How to buy sexy socks on a budget. We investigate...
Whom was Colin Farrell seen with in a Ringsend chip shop last month (all will be revealed...)?
Is Danni pregant. We investigate...?
Of course, we all know that denim is back, BIG STYLE. But you do need to accessorise wisely with denim; So, one of our presenters went to TK Maxx in Mullingar for some top style tips...
What's new in the A-Wear and Unique collections for that classy Summer look? We investigate...
Fake tan or sunbeds. What are the risks? We investigate...

Plus endless fabulusss red carpet interviews, movie premieres, and wardrobe tips.

For 'movie star interviews' they use the now common technique where they read pre-prepared questions against a video of the 'star' in question who gives stock answers that were obviously pre-recorded once, for mass media distribution. So they are never in the same room, or country, but pretend that they are!

My favourite presenter is Sean, who seems to become even more camp as every day passes. While the girls totter around on impossibly high heels, Sean seems to be trying to fill up the screen by adopting an earnest I'm a little teapot' pose while spreading his legs wider and wider in each episode, rather like a dog marking his territory; He may end up doing the splits.

He must be paid well, dressing like he has a personal stylist (perhaps he's getting freebies from Penneys), all the time grinning inanely at the camera, with his bleached teeth, and uttering banal phrases like:-

Great Stuff
Great Stuff Indeed
Great Stuff Entirely
Fablusss Stuff
Fablusss Stuff Indeed
Fannnnntasssstick!
Join us tomorrow, when we'll be pretending to interview Hollywood superstar Pierce Brosnan about his latest instantly forgettable movie and on just what it was like to play Remington Steele.

It's PlayTV all over again. I've just replaced one car-crash TV addiction with another... Oh the Humanity!

Bad Day at Dublin 15 - Tyrrelstown Murder

2010-04-05T12:08:00.018+01:00

Just read a posting on Gombeen Nation about the murder of that kid in Tyrrelstown:-

http://gombeennation.blogspot.com/2010/04/racist-killing-of-toyosi-shittabey-in.html

If the addendum on the post is true, then it's sickening that a racist, thuggish, piece of sh*t like the alleged perpetrator is allowed out on bail, or even more how he was walking the streets at all, in the first place.

What is even more incredible is that the guy's (alleged) accomplice younger brother could only be charged yesterday with the enormous crime of 'possession of a hockey stick'. What the F*ck? Thought April Fool's was over. I'm guessing it was a hurl or baseball bat and the naming convention of the charge refers to some obscure, ancient law to tackle traveller wedding riots/faction fighting). Anyhoo, I'm sure he'll do hard time for that charge (not!!!). Only in Ireland...

I had thought that, over the last 10 years, Dublin's 'Skanger Nation' had gone back to their mainly peaceful interests (i.e. wearing tacky sovereign rings and Celtic jerseys and getting skulled on 'Dutch Gold' 24 hrs a day) and gradually got over their mentality of 'Dem blacks and dem Bosmanians duz be taking our jobs. And the social welfare duz be giving dem free cars and big houses to live in. It was bad enough when the Pakis took over the corner shop in 1995... etc.'.

It's a minor issue at this point, but it's also a bit depressing that we have learned nothing from the past English model and appear to be unwittingly allowing micro ghettos to slowly develop in Ireland along racial/cultural lines.

Jesus is Just Alright (or is he?)

2010-04-05T11:34:00.005+01:00

Something for the weekend... The Doobies in the 90's doing 'Jesus is Just Alright'. Think this was one of their earliest hits in the 70s, a cover of a 60s folk/gospel song.

The first version I heard of this was done by the late-era Byrds on some greatest hits CD. Not sure how tongue-in-cheek either version might be.

Would be great if Crystal Swing did a version of this...

Next Irish President

2010-03-15T22:41:00.002Z

Was flicking around PaddyPower earlier to see if they have any odds on the Cardinal resigning.

Couldn't find anything, but the race for the next President is quite interesting. Brian Crowley MEP is the favourite. Don't know much about the guy at all, as to what he's done in politics etc, so can't say anything nasty.

Coming up fast on the stand side (as the racing commentators would put it) is Senator David Norris, at 9/2. Think there have been recent mutterings about him being very interested in the post.

It would make sense for him if things get any worse and the senate gets abolished. Not sure who would back him - Labour, perhaps? He would certainly have my vote, if only to liven up the dreary presidential office a bit, and spare us the often-cringeworthy, bland soundbites of the current incumbent.

Here is my Top 5 'Maybe' list and my 'F*ck No, - over my dead body' list (there are actually odds available on all of these people):

Maybes:
Senator Norris (9/2)
Maura Geohegan Quinn (50/1)
Michael McDowell (40/1)
Geraldine Kennedy (80/1)
Peter Sutherland (50/1)

F*ck No!
Bertie Ahern (5/1)
Mary O'Rourke (12/1)
John Hume (25/1)
Gerry Adams (50/1)
Louis Walsh (250/1)

'Oaths of Secrecy' - the Cardinal sins

2010-03-15T13:28:00.008Z

Couldn't believe the sh*te Sean Brady was coming out with on radio this morning. The typical Catholic Church attitude; 'I've done nothing wrong - things were different in those days - blah, blah...'

Imagine being an abused pre-teen or teenager in those dark days and being called in by this prick and his cronies to be interviewed/interrogated (apparently with no parental supervision) about the "allegations", and being asked to sign an 'Oath of Secrecy'. The mind just boggles...

To compound matters, on Pat Kenny this morning, some didactic Catholic academic, Monsignor Maurice Dooley, former Professor of Canon Law, opined that Cardinal Brady had no obligation, at the time, to report anything to the Gardaí or the RUC. He was directly contradicted by a legal expert, but still droned on with his doctrinal spiel about Canon vs Civil law.

These people defie all belief, but think this and similar stories are going to run for a while...

To be honest, I'm half-hoping that Brady doesn't resign (although I think it's inevitable). It would just lead to another weepfest from this sad creature:-
http://bosanovasweetshop.blogspot.com/2009/12/great-fun-entirely.html

Theme from 'van der Valk'

2010-03-13T00:52:00.003Z

A ridiculous premise - an English-language, Dutch detective TV show shot in the UK, with exteriors done in Amsterdam and starring that curly red-haired guy from Hitchkock's 'Frenzy' movie. The Simon Park orchestra provide the legendary theme tune.

Apparently this tune can solve (or at least alleviate) chronic depression.... More likely to induce melancholy - me-thinks, although it is pretty sublime!

The end of the Jefferson Airplane

2010-03-13T00:13:00.008Z

Was meaning to post on what I thought was the last great tune by the Airplane, but, typically, it was removed from YouTube in the last 30 minutes...
Anyhoo this predates it - the title tune from the Airplane's final album - Marty Balin does the honours on lead vocals - he jumped ship shortly afterwards, as Paul Kantner had wrested the leadership of the Airplane from him.

Grace Slick and Paul Kantner were an item at that time and struggled on for a couple more albums as 'The Jefferson Starship' (I think Marty owned the original name on the Airplane).

Jorma Kaukonen and Jack Casady were pissed off and had started doing their own thing by that stage and also jumped ship after a year with the Jefferson Starship.

Grace must have been wise enough to put her name on the 'Starship' brand, as she had a couple of number ones in the 80's under that name....

So will have to make do with the Airplane doing 'Volunteers' - one of the most frustrated and angry political tunes of that time:-

Note: one piece of the video montage is not for the faint-hearted...

Cosmic Slop - fashion never dies

2010-03-10T20:09:00.009Z

This is the probably the last post I make on Funkadelic (I promise!), but this has to be seen to be believed. Michael Hampton's hat is simply extraordinary.

Think I will get one for future job interviews. The hat would be ideal for Paddy's day also.

Didn't realise Gary Shider had such a great voice - maybe I was always distracted by his diaper/nappy, but he is really reminiscent of Curtis Mayfield on this.

Anyhoo, what is really staggering about this is how they seem to switch between 'Soul', 'Funk' and 'Hard Rock' at the drop of a hat (no pun intended)

As usual George Clinton shows up at the end, emerging with a young lady from a wigwam, wearing an outfit that only a female presenter of the late TV3 'Play TV' show would be seen dead in. It's all good though...

Here is a promo clip for the same song (think a lot of LSD had been consumed by all):-

Play TV is kaput

2010-03-10T18:07:00.004Z

Yippy-yippy yay yay yey. Play TV is no more:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Play_TV_Ireland

Think it was just a matter of time before it was put out of its misery...

Witless presenters, dubious or unsolvable games and frankly corrupt practises, preying on pensioners and those who probably couldn't really afford the couple of Euros to call a line, with a 0.00001% chance of getting through to the studio.

It was even commented on at ministerial level recently. Think that was what really put the pressure on TV3 execs to end it, although it was obviously on its last legs - 30 EUR prize money on some games etc...

Anyhoo, everybody involved in that sham/scam should hang their heads in shame...

LIDL's and Dogs with Bras

2010-03-06T11:09:00.006Z

Earlier in the week, I was out shopping in LIDLs. I had brought the family dog along for a healthy walk - she belongs to one of my sisters who has temporarily moved back to the main family home while she (the sister, not the dog) does a FAS course in Dun Laoghaire.

The puppy is extremely loveable, placid and intelligent, so I had no qualms in leaving her outside for 3 minutes while I did a quick shop. She was well secured - attached by her lead to an iron pillar in the exterior shopping trolley part of the store.

When I got out, I was berated by an elderly lady for 'abandoning' such a beautiful creature, who 'may have been kidnapped! (surely dogknapped would be a better description)'.

I really had to bite my tongue to not tell her 'For f*ck's sake - it's a dog, not Madelaine McCann!'.

Am getting to like LIDL's now - was probably too much of snob to go there previously (or maybe cos I didn't speak Polish), but they really do what they say on the tin. They sell all kinds of cheap sh*t. Would not be surprised if they even sell upper-body support garments for animals.

Anyhoo, back to the dog - she constantly pines for my sister, when she is not around. Things came to a head the other night when she grabbed one of the sister's bras from a radiator and seemed to be using it as a comforter. I couldn't get her to release it and was eventually half-tempted to make her wear it, and send a photo to:
Bras! On! Dogs!

That would have thought her a lesson.

Carly Simon - Who Exactly was So Vain?

2010-03-03T20:47:00.006Z

The poor man/woman's Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon has been doing the rounds recently refusing to speculate as to the identity of the anonymous international playboy she once romanced, referenced in her tune 'You're so Vain'. She seems to do this every couple of years whenever she has an album to promote, even though the song is 38 years old by now.

Here's a possible top 5 list of suspects:-

Father Michael Cleary:- always irresistable to any woman, and a man who socialised regularly with superstars like Joe Dolan, Dickie Rock and Twink in the early 70's.

Mick Jagger:- One of the usual suspects as to whom the song may be about. Jagger sang background vocals on the original, but was allegedly more interested in both David and/or Angie Bowie at the time. Plus he was dating a Nicaraguan super-model, so probably wouldn't have had much need to throw his hat at Carly.

Warren Beatty:- The king of all men-sluts has allegedly bedded over 12,000 women, none of whom he liked more than his own reflection. Most likely suspect!

James Taylor:- Carly's husband of the day. Can't really see how he can be viewed as vain. Skinny, dull, self-absorbed, droning folk-rock singer would be more descriptive.

David Geffen:- This is the suggestion that Carly is currently not denying, although it's highly unlikely - think Geffen is well known to prefer men.

Anyhoo, seriously, if Paddy Power ever opens a book on the true identity, I'd put my money on David Crosby. Just a guess though, as I guess Ms. Simon based it on an amalgamation of guys, and it's probable that all of them possessed Apricot-coloured scarves back in 1972.

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You?

eBay Purchases

2010-03-03T16:44:00.006Z

I love eBay - it takes a lot of the boredom out of trawling around high street shops for best priced books, DVDs, electronics and quality clothes.The big pains are:

1. Buying clothing when the advertised size turns out to be 3 levels away, in reality, e.g. a Medium sized shirt turns out to be an XXL large once it arrives. I've lost count of how many times I've had to drop stuff like this off at the council clothing recycle centres. I'm dubious about those places anyway, as I strongly suspect that some of the collectors help themselves to the best stuff.

Still, it's a better option than filling up one of those plastic bags that frequently come through the letterbox asking for any old quality clothes for some really vague charity (in aid of Ukrainian Breast Cancer support etc., with no VAT or Charity Reg. Number referenced and an 085 mobile number).

2. Back to eBay - another peeve is when you buy something that needs to be signed for and your doorbell rings at 7:30 am with a DHL man looking for an electronic signature.

In these instances, to their credit, they are normally polite to a fault and don't comment on the fact that you are semi-naked and looking like you've been dragged through many hedges backwards or have been snorting coke into the early hours... I guess they get used to it.

Sometimes though it's easy to go a bit wild on eBay. I had bought myself an xmas present, which arrived today. After 20 minutes unpacking it, I realised it was an Indian Sitar, which I remember purchasing as the price seemed pretty cheapo and I was probably in the Chardonnay-induced xmas spirit at the time.

Anyhoo - the seller was kind enough to provide me with an instructional CD advising how to learn to tune and play it. I am going to do my best.

If all else fails, at least it has decorative qualities or I can use it to hit burglars with. If I can figure it out, I will probably need to return to eBay to get a Nehru hat and garment, in order to look the real deal!

Gamble on...

2010-02-26T17:17:00.008Z

The odds on Ireland beating England at Twickenham this weekend are pretty decent. 10/11 [Paddy Power] on Ireland is one of the bets of the year, but there is some doubt today that O'Driscoll is injured. If he shows up tomorrow, I might throw a few K at it, as England are pretty shit at the moment, although it will probably be tighter than expected as snow is anticipated.

Alternatively, the handicap bet of Ireland at evens is probably a licence to print money...

Will whip myself severely if I've got this wrong!

Anvil: The Story of Anvil

2010-02-25T20:24:00.032Z

Heavy Metal is one form of music I have never understood. I like a bit of Zeppelin or even some early Deep Purple, but the rest of it just seems like total sh*t: Iron Maiden, Whitesnake, Twisted Sister, Anthrax, Megadeath, Stryker et al.

That was until I saw 'Anvil'.

I had seen some great reviews of this DVD, a documentary following a real-life scraggy-haired Canadian metal band who unconciously act like Spinal Tap, as they struggle to release their 13th unrecognised album.

At one point, we even get to see a guitar amplifier that has volume going all the way up to 11. Then a rocking workout where the lead guitarist is wearing bondage gear and using a dildo to play slide guitar.
It took me a good 20 minutes to realise that the whole thing was not an elaborate hoax - A Spinal Tap Part 2, if you will.

As the movie develops, the band squabble over the most petty of matters and we cringe as it is revealed that the core members have both recently turned 50 and have never really made it, after 30 years on the road.

Brings to mind Robbie Robertson's 'to-camera' speech in Scorcese's The Last Waltz where he is explaining why The Band has called it a day, commenting something like "16 years on the road was long enough - anything more than that and... (pause as he looks reflectively off into the distance); The Road has taken a lot of the great ones... (deep pause) 'Jimi, Janis, Otis, Jim Morrison'; It's just a god-damned impossible way of life... No 2 ways about it..."

Back to the movie, lots of interviews with parents, family members, wives and girlfriends expressing their exasperation at these innocent idiots, trying to fulfill some stupid childhood dream, and some scenes of the guys trying to keep their mortgages paid by working temporarily in call centres or as delivery men.

As it continues, we realise that, despite all of the heavy-metal posturing, these are genuinely nice, decent people, albeit living in a dreamworld. Not the types who base their lives on booze/cocaine and luring teenage girls into their LA hotel rooms (ahem, Led Zeppelin).

They can play their instruments well and the drummer turns out to be an exceptionally talented artistic painter, as we see when he gives a tour of his home, but they just don't seem to be able to write a decent tune. "Thumb Hang" an ode to the Spanish Inquisition, "Barenaked Ladies" and "Metal Metal" are outstandingly bad.

The thing that makes this most poignant is that the 2 founding members of the band, when not fighting, seem to be in a right old Bromance. They had created the band in their teens and stuck together for 35 years and genuinely seem, when not arguing, to really like, and depend on, each other.

All in all, it's a bit like Brokeback Mountain, except swapping the cowboy hats for poodle haircuts and filthy leather jackets (and without the sex scenes), but with an uplifting ending.

Anyhoo, this movie is one to definitely watch more than once.

Walk Away Renee - diffs

2010-02-18T14:41:00.010Z

The Left Banke's original, slightly baroque version:

Below, the late, great Levi Stubbs howls it out with the Four Tops. Think this is mostly mimed but it's hard to tell if Levi is live on the mic or not (Mowtown would often use a trick of re-recording the lead vocal to give it a live feel whenever their performers where going on a live TV show).

It is quite funny that none of them can do any kind of dance move, except Larry Payton (the chubby bass singer on the right).

Anyhoo, Abdul Faqir (on the left here) is the only one left alive from this great group. Levi died after a long battle with throat cancer (don't smoke kids!); Lawrence Peyton died from liver disease. Obie Benson died recently also - he had written What's going on (which became Marvin Gaye's greatest classic) after being horrified when witnessing hippie kids getting ruthlessly beaten by the police on Sunset Strip in L.A. in the 60's.

Obie tried to give the tune to people like Joan Baez, but with no success, until Marvin took it in the early 70's and broke the Mowtown mould forever.

Five O'Clock World

2010-02-18T14:13:00.008Z

A cool, home-made karaoke version of the classic 60's Vogue's doo-wop tune - Five O'Clock Word. Think this song became the theme tune on the Drew Carey Show a few years back.

'Holiday-hheee-eee-hee-ee-yey'.

Anyhoo, great job dog! - you're through to the next round.

Pass the Sick Bag (on da left-hand side)

2010-02-16T11:07:00.010Z

http://www.brits.co.uk/news/2010/robbie-williams-to-pick-up-the-%E2%80%98outstanding-contribution-to-music%E2%80%99-award

This revolting, talentless scummy creature is apparently going to recieve some type of 'lifetime achievement' award at the BRITS tonight. Rather like Pol Pot geting a posthumous Nobel Peace Prize. Cue the sound of barrels being scraped...

Twink urges Jacob Zuma to 'Zip up his Micky'

2010-02-12T04:56:00.005Z

http://www.globaldiversitypost.com/gdp/2010/02/president-jacob-zuma-the-gigolo.html

Following relevations that South Africa's President has just fathered his 20th child (from various polygomous relationships), Ireland's show-biz queen Twink has advised him to 'Zip up his F*cking Micky', 'Act his 'F*cking Age' and to 'Be a F*cking Man'.

"Jesus F*cking Christ - Cut the f*cking ting off if he has those urges. Same goes for Tiger Woods and John Terry; They are nothing more than male whores."

Hair - Let the Sunshine In

2010-02-09T17:25:00.005Z

Was clearing out some old videos the other day and found one I hadn't seen in years - Milos Forman's late 70's interpretation of the cult hippie late 60's musical 'Hair'.

It was weird, as I had also recently watched 'Putney Swope' on DVD. Another counter-culture themed movie from the late 60s.

Anyhoo the connection between them is that both feature a singer/actor called Ronnie Dyson, albeit in small roles. He had played the character 'Hud' in the original hit Broadway version of 'Hair' and opened the show with 'Aquarius'. He was only about 17 at the time and his mother embarressed him on his debut by screaming from the audience - 'Sing baby, sing'.

Think Ronnie had a brief solo career in the 70s but died during the 80's AIDS epidemic (not quite sure on that one - it wasn't the kind of thing that people admitted back then). He had some voice though...

I always loved 'Hair' for its musicality - as it had about 20 tunes in it and at least 12 of them are superb. Rather like the Who's 'Tommy' which I can almost recite in full, or going way back to some of the stuff my father liked - '42nd Street' or 'West Side Story'.

In this closing scene, the leader of the hippie troupe - Berger (played by Treat Williams) gets shipped off to Vietnam inadvertantly, as he had switched places temporarily with Claude (the naif country boy drafted soldier, played by John Savage), so Claude could have a good night out with Beverly D'Angelo's character.

It must have been all a bit dated at the time the movie came out, but perhaps resonates as much as ever in the 'War on Terror' era.

International worst websites of all time

2010-02-08T15:31:00.005Z

http://yvettesbridalformal.com/index.htm

Wow - just caught this off Popbitch - this website takes some beating...

From the 'Jackson Pollock going blind on LSD' background image to the frankly weird variety of offerings available from Yvette's boutique:-

Bridal Fashions
Tuxedos
Pink Lights
Oil- painted portraits
Gloves and Garters
Prom Gowns
Mary Kay Cosmetics
Olde Worlde Fashion Sugar Cookies

Best thing is that Yvettes' does LAYAWAY !! I never quite understood the context of that word until Chris Rock did a piece on it in one of his routines. Think it basically means that you can pay for the product in installments, before collecting it. The 'never-never' as they would have called it in my granny's day (when a majority of women probably wore Gloves & Garters on special occasions!).

Another aspect of the site is the fact that they have gone to the trouble of adding poorly-translated greetings in several languages - French, Spanish, Korean, Japanese, Russian and (some form of) Chinese.

Can understand the use of Spanish and Korean, given the ethnic diversity in the US, but can't really see many Japanese, Chinese, Russian or (in particular) French people popping over to Florida to purchase a wedding dress, just to get a free garter...

MC5 - Black to Comm

2010-02-04T22:28:00.002Z

Think this predates the 5's legendary 'Kick out the Jams' debut album. They seem to be making determined efforts to ape the Yardbirds in both their appearance and playing, but doesn't quite work out, as they appear more like a rudderless teenage garage band, who are just learning how to play their instruments.

Footballers who look like characters from The Wire

2010-02-04T20:11:00.002Z

http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/opinion/blogs/football-banter/Footballers-who-look-like-characters-from-TV-show-The-Wire-starring-Glen-Johnson-Ashley-Young-and-Robbie-Keane-article152749.html

From the online football section in the UK Mirror (who would have thought they could do something mildly amusing).

Robbie Keane looks like Carcetti? Can't really see that. Poor old Glen Johnson gets compared to a female psychopath character! Florent Malouda does look a bit like Detective Carver - think it's just the high cheekbones.

Paul Robeson - some live recordings

2010-02-03T20:13:00.005Z

Deep River, Vermeyoh and Curly-Headed Baby. Paul Robeson was one of those annoying people who was a genius at everything he tried, be it music, theatre, film, athletics, academics, linguistics or social activism.

Unfortunately, the last one led to his downfall, as he was hounded for most of his later years by red-baiting scum like FBI boss J. Edgar Hoover and Joe McCarthy's House of Un-American Activies Committee who liked neither Robeson's worldwide popularity nor his (sometimes naive) socialist leanings.

His US passport was eventually taken away from him, meaning he couldn't travel outside the States (a round-about form of house arrest). This lead to a series of mental breakdowns from which he never quite recovered.

His life story would make a great movie, but can't think of anyone who could play him... Definitely not Will Smith!

Church-State Separation - 'Count me in'

2010-02-01T20:52:00.004Z

Heard something about this site a few months back, but just came across the URL over the weekend.
http://www.countmeout.ie/

"The Count Me Out website is a source of information for those considering leaving the Roman Catholic Church (RCC). For many who no longer practise, remaining "lapsed" is not sufficient; a clean break is needed."

Am definitely gonna sign up for this one and do my little bit for for church-state separation, in our beloved homeland.

Hopefully it becomes a rolling stone and we can at least get the f*cking Angelus off our national airwaves. If people have a particular need to hear 60 seconds of bongs & gongs at 12 and 6 pm, why not just download a piece of anal cacophony from Mike Oldfield's appalling 70's album 'Tubular Bells' onto their iPods.

Don't want to offend anyone's religious sensibilities - what people do in the privacy of their own homes or places of worship is their own business, but f.f.s., it's 2010.

Breaking Bad - we are a part of the DVD nation

2010-01-28T00:45:00.006Z

Got a cheap eBay box-set of the first series of Breaking Bad - the latest must-see, 'water cooler' show from the States, which even 99% of Americans have never seen.

Watched it all in a few hours today and have to admit, it's pretty damn good. It's been out for a couple of years on US cable but nobody has picked it up over here yet.

The basic premise is that a meek, world-weary, double-jobbing, high-school chemistry teacher discovers that, as he turns 50, he has terminal cancer and, through a series of incidents, resolves to make some serious money to leave to his pregnant wife and mildly disabled son in the inevitable event of his death.

The problem is that he goes about this by setting up an ad-hoc crystal-meth lab and then needs to worry about how to distribute the product, and how to interact with some very heavy-duty drug dealers...

The lead is played by Bryan Cranston (probably more known for his comedic skills as the father in Malcolm in the Middle. I think he has won best Emmy lead male actor for Breaking Bad in both 2008 & 2009.

Anyhoo - it's not quite The Wire or The Sopranos from what I've seen so far, but definitely worth watching out for. A little bit reminiscent overall of some Tarantino stuff and, at times, the Michael Douglas everyman role in Falling Down; there is even a McGyver moment!.

Hopefully TG4 will pick up on it, but you can pretty much guarantee that it will be shown at a post-post-post watershed hour, probably 1:30am:-( in the same way as classic American TV like Larry Sanders, OZ, The Wire and initially Seinfeld have always been treated on this side of the pond.

So, as with the Wire, it will only get its due credit 2 years later, when the show is over and word of mouth gets around and the Guardian TV critics and Charlie Brooker have orgasms about it, inciting millions to buy the box-set on DVD.

They never did that with Little House on the Prairie or the Cosby Show (or Fair City!)...

Dublin cyclists - ignoring best practise...

2010-01-26T22:48:00.004Z

Had the misfortune of being stuck in a red light traffic queue last Sunday while out on my bicycle in the late afternoon.

I had pulled over to the left, on a thin stretch of road, to wait for traffic to clear so that I could take a right turn without being run over. There was a long delay as the upcoming traffic lights seemed to have malfunctioned... Unfortunately, a f*cking Garda car ended up right by my side and I was stuck beside them for a good 3 minutes.

Eventually, the smart-aleck bogger in the passenger side rolled down the window and asked me what I thought I was doing? I hadn't murdered anyone recently, so was a bit confused by his question.

Got quite paranoid and was sh*tting myself as I realised that it was getting dark and I had no back light on the bike because some skanger had stolen it at Killiney Shopping centre a few days beforehand and I hadn't got around to replacing it. Also, my front brakes were f*cked, which was why I stopped in the first place, as they conditions were icy.

Was expecting to have the riot act read to me for not wearing a safety helmet or luminous vest (a man must maintain a style though...).

In the end, he just pointed at his ears and I realised I was wearing my MP3 inner-earphones (which was admittedly, really pretty stupid on my part, although I had them on lowest volume level). Anyhoo, with that, the lights went green and off sped the Boys in Blue to solve murders, set up a wire-tap, get some coffee or attend union meetings...

Just as well I didn't give them lip and particularly that they didn't blood-test me (might have been f*cked on that one)!

Michael Hampton wrecks 'Maggot Brain'

2010-01-25T23:03:00.017Z

Think I posted another version of this tune previously. This is Michael "Kid Funkadelic" Hampton burning the living sh*t out of the classic Eddie Hazel composition - P-Funk's gigantic instrumental masterpiece 'Maggot Brain'.

Hampton had joined Funkadelic as a teenage prodigy in the late 70s, to accompany, then often replace Eddie Hazel, who was in and out of the group due to serious drug problems.

This is from a couple of years back. There are loads more examples of this song on uTube - one where Hampton breaks 2 strings on his guitar but just improvises and amends his solo to workaround it.

The rythym section is occassionally a bit off on this, but that's really cos the whole Funkadelic family were (and probably still are sometimes) notoriously stoned/loaded on occasions (in an almost self-effacing cartoonish way). I think as well they are under-rehearsed and are not sure how to keep up or slow down with Hampton.

The drummer, Rico Lewis seems particularly (ahem!) happy towards the end, and the bass isn't really locked in at times. Can't tell for sure who the second guitarist is (there may even be a third in the background)?, Looks like DeWayne McKnight on 2nd lead. Must have been a time when money was tight 'cos normally P-Funk appear with at least 15 of their loose coalition wandering around stage on this number, even if the particular members are not playing.

Anyhoo, get the impression that Hampton would have played this solo all night if Lewis hadn't done the enforced wrap-up on the drums at the end. Maybe it was coming up to curfew time...

Great stuff anyway!

Wardrobe Malfunctions and Petrol Station Blues

2010-01-20T23:07:00.000Z

The weather has been so bad lately, so I walked/slipped down to my local petrol station one cold Thursday evening, a couple of weeks back, to buy my usual 20 Marlboro Lights, bottle of dirt-cheap Chilean Chardonnay and various sundries, all designed to last a couple of days.

This particular Esso is staffed almost entirely by Chinese people, most of whom I know on a first-name basis and get along with really well but on this particular night there was a fairly new girl serving on the night-shift who was looking at my crotch area with a sense of horror. It was only then that I realised that my white underwear was clearly visible as my zip wasn't up on my highly classy Valentino jeans. Thank f*ck that nothing else was hanging out...

I remember bombing a promotion interview about 12 years back for doing the very same thing. Have never worn a suit since then...

The Chinese girl then made a comment like "That is the 3rd bottle of wine you buy this week - why is that? you need to talk to Jesus or you ruin your life". On one level, she may have a point about my personal habits but I don't think anybody needs religion stuffed in their face, or personal advice from staff in petrol stations, in general.

Anyhoo, have been back there since and it seems that she has been given the boot (probably for being rude and ignorant to customers, or for telling unacceptable truths to them).

Bill Cullen - is he for real?

2010-01-18T16:42:00.010Z

Bill 'King of the Skangers' Cullen and his horrific perma-tanned ~~gold-digger~~ life partner. Don't mean to be sexist on her but heard from a few people that she is an absolute b***h.

This inner-city skanger, used car salesman was on Marian Finucane's radio show on Saturday and couldn't believe some of the sh*t he came out with/was bragging about. Would love to pull the 'irish jig' off his gurrier head. I am paraphrasing (and inventing/over-elaborating somewhat), but some of the stuff he said was in the manner of:-

"Marian, I can remember when the 2nd world war ended. Me and all of me brudders shared one pair of shewes and slept in the outside toilet, so we did. We were so pooowerr, we ate each others shite, so we did, cos we couldn't afford food"

"Kids these days don't know dey are born"

"I duz relax in my place in Florida. Tiger Woods and people like dat duz be my neighbours"

"I will be the first Oirish man on the moon, so I will" Despite being at least 65, Bill has applied for Richard Branson's pay-as-you-go moon shot.

"I am not giving you my age bud I can still touch me toes, so I can. I duz do exercise every day, so I do"

"I usually wake up at 4am every morning, so I do"

"De banks duz be cumming after me, bud it is da same for all moddren biznezz peoples, so it iz"

"I don't like Fine Gayle"

"Meat Loaf doesn't know he's born, so he doesn't. '2 out of 3 ain't bad'? Well, if he was working for me, he had bedder sell ALL 3 95-reg Renault Clios off my forecourts, or he is out! two out of three would not be good enough for me, I need warriors on my team, Marian."

"Marian, I go intta de skools, so I do, and teach the kids about harhhhd werk, so I doz. If I can sell a 91-reg Renault to one of demz for 3 K, dat's grate, even if dey iz a boy racer and will kill somebody with it."

"My dear mudderrr sold apples, so she did, on Mooooooore Streee for years.... We were lucky if we had the pips from an orange for dinner. Kids these days don't know when they are born, so they don't...

Bass in your face - I Want You Back

2010-01-17T22:15:00.018Z

Find this quite interesting... One of the great bass lines in popular music, but whodunnit?

Two isolated Mowtown bass parts on one of the seminal tunes:-

1. Wilton Felder does 'I want you back'. He's playing upright fretless bass, though seems to hit a couple of stinker notes on it. I believe that Felder's version went out on the original Jackson 5 release. It seemed to work though...

2. The legendary Mowtown funk brother James Jamerson does a pitch-perfect 'Ain't no mountain high enough', using just his right index finger ("the claw").

Wilton Felder was a multi-instrumentalist (much more noted for his saxaphone playing) and got the gig as Mowtown had moved operations lock, stock and barrel to L.A. in the early 1970s. Wilton got more fame in the 80's when he had a big hit with a tune called 'No Matter how High I Get (I still keep looking up to you)' with Bobby and Linda Womack on vocals.

Getting back to 'I want you back', I had always assumed that James Jamerson or Bob Babitt must have played on the original of this, cos it sounds like an electric bass part - seem to recall that the riff was originally composed on a piano by someone else, whose name eludes me.

Certainly know that Jermaine (ooooohh my brother Michael would have loved this, can you give me a cheque now?) Jackson couldn't have had the chops to get this down when he was 14 and playing bass for the Jackson 5, although he did play some of their stuff live.

Anyhoo, Jamerson was Mowtown's #1 bass player but, like many of the original Funk Brothers, was hugely reluctant to leave his beloved Detroit and his family, friends, jazz and party buddies when Mowtown moved west, and unfortunately spent the ensuing years being bitter and drinking himself slowly to death (the feckin' eejit).

People like Paul McCartney and John Entwhistle always cited the influence of 'that Mowtown guy' when describing their bass-playing influences.

One evening, Marvin Gaye stopped production on his classic 'What's Going On' album until Jamerson could be dragged in to play. James was found eventually and ended up playing his tracks whilst lying on his back, as he was so wasted at the time.

There is a sad story about Jamerson slipping quietly into the Mowtown 25th anniversary show in LA, having to scalp a cheap audience ticket from a tout, as nobody had thought to invite him and most of his then existing funk brothers didn't get invites either, even though they had played on hundreds of hits for the company.

Mowtown mogul Berry Gordy got conscientious (and probably more than a little bit guilty) in later years and finally gave carte blanche to the producers and director of the movie 'Standing in the Shadows of Mowtown' to tell the true story of the brilliant Mowtown musicians.

Unfortunately, Jamerson was a long time dead by that time...

Seems that some people don't like Gerry Ryan

2010-01-16T14:36:00.022Z

I warned my mom yesterday that Gerry Ryan would be appearing on the Late Late Show (she has just about accepted Ryan Tubs. as the new host but would switch off, or perhaps even give up on life completely, if G. Ryan was on).

I am a bit torn on this as I (very) ocassionally find Gerry quite amusing, at least on the radio.

He did eventually appear with Tubridy, to plug his latest TV gig:- Operation Transformation, which can be summed up as 'Lazy, fat, 20+ stone, fame-obsessed twits pat themselves on the back for losing 12 pounds in weight over a period of 3 months in the hope that they will die at age 65 rather than 50'.

Gerry also used his prime time TV appearance to introduce one of his daughters to the nation (I think her name was Lottie, something like that, but I wasn't paying much attention...). Can you imagine being named Lottie Ryan - that must be even worse than being called Majella or Assumpta, as girl's names go?

She came across as a new Irish version of Kelly Osbourne... Just what we need. Her boyfriend Fabio seemed OK but surely he could have put on an accent, if only to seem more exotic...

Back to Gerry - the meglomaniac, pig-faced, liver-lipped, overpaid DJ has given some strange names to all of his kids over the duration of his failed marriage - they all seem to have dog or porno names.

He makes constant references to them on his radio show ("well, when I took Rex, Lex, Pecks and my youngest - Panties - to Florida last month...") , when he is not constantly mentioning how great his Dockland's property developer buddy Harry Crosbie is. Give it a year and see how often he will be visiting Harry in Mountjoy...

He also seems strangely under-educated at times, given that his father was a dentist, he allegedly studied law, and presumably his family was quite well-off. He pronounces words in a completely unique manner as he muses on the weighty issues of the day, e.g.

Moy fawwdddhderr: (in Gerry language, that means 'my father')
Moy muddder: (in Gerry language, that means 'my mother')
Pay-dee-o-feeeell: (in Gerry language, that means 'paedophile', usually mentioned when a catholic priest scandal breaks)
Be very kurful: (in Gerry language that means 'be very careful')
Mizzsusss Royan: (in Gerry language, that means 'the woman who may or may not have a bad habit (sniff, sniff) but threw him out of his own house when she found out about certain stuff'.)

Anyhoo, as regards his TV show, if anyone needs to lose weight, Gerry might need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. Why RTE give this man Licence Payers' money to do television shows defies all belief, as he is a proven, long-standing, absolute disaster in that medium.

Came across this blog page on Gerry which is hilarious:-

Gerry Ryan blog

Particularly liked this entry:

"I would rather masturbate wearing a glove made of razorblades than listen to a minute of this fat, bulbous turd talking."

I am currently working on a vague plan to make similar postings on a certain:-
Patrick Bartholomew "Bertie" Ahern

Why are all of the worst Dubliners from the North Side?

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson

2010-01-06T21:54:00.046Z

Iris Robinson is instantly induced to orgasm by the very touch of her adonis-like (and god-fearing) husband's right elbow.

Wife of Norn Ireland's First Minister - Peter Robinson - and MP for Lagan, Iris Robinson seems to be in a
bit of trouble at the moment. It appears that she had an affair with a mysterious stranger 18 months ago, during a 'period of depression'.

Something of a clanger for the ultra-right wing, family values, jesus-freak, European version of Sarah Palin. Imagine there is a lot more to this breaking story (pieces just don't add up, I thinks!)... An InterWeb sex video would be great - That could lead to the complete collapse of aspects of Northern Irish society and mass suicides around the finest salons and dining tables of certain sections of the Ulster elite.

Couldn't happen to a nicer pair of bible-bashing, backward, bigoted, ignorant, homophobic pieces of utter scum though.

Iris Robinson finds herself now guilty of 'abomination' in the eyes of the good lord.

Apparently, elaborate scented sexual aids (imported from South East Asia) were used during her filthy, lustful trysts, whilst her faithful husband Peter waited in vain in their family home for her to return to warm his slippers and cook his dinner. Surely this 'Eve-like' woman will burn in the eternal fires of hell for her sick sins.

Anyhoo, some speculation has emerged as to whom the 'other man' whom Satan tempted Iris to 'lie down with' might be:-

Despite biblical teachings on miscegination in the old testement, a deep fear has emerged in DUP circles that Iris may have been tempted by this dark serpent:-

Strangely, not unlike Tiger Woods, further suitors of Iris are currently emerging. One, who wished not to be named, described her as instatiable:-

"She was an animal in the sack; she'd usually start with a wee bit of fellatio and then I'd move around to the back door.

After some time, she'd beg me to spank her while she recited verses from the Book of Revelations. She would often ask me to urinate in her eyes. Wasn't much into that, but it was obvious that Peter wasn't giving her what she needed at home... She had a good bod though for someone her age..."

Miles Davis - Suitcase of memories

2010-01-06T00:53:00.012Z

The late, great Miles does a rendition of Cyndi Lauper's 'Time after time'.

Many people could play horn with more flair than Miles, but he kept things relatively simple. My favourite story about Miles is when he attended some Ronald Reagan award event in the 80s. He was asked by some blue-rinsed Republican lady what he had done to deserve being invited to this momentous occasion.

The notoriously unkind Miles replied that he had re-invented music at least 3 times in his life, then asked the lady 'why the fuck are you here? Just cos you are an old white b*tch f*cking some senile senator?'.

Flashback to warm times always left behind...

Hanging on the telephone

2010-01-01T12:06:00.001Z

Mobile phone etiquette can be a difficult proposition at times. Never more so than when you get an upgraded phone and lose half of your stored numbers or names.

For the last few days, I've been getting 'come and visit me' type texts from an unidentified ex. (An 'ex', in my 'male slut mentality' is just anyone you have slept with more than 3 times).

The problem is that I'm not sure who the particular 'ex' is though, as they haven't signed any of these texts. Based on the appalling grammar, I have narrowed it down to 2 non-national people, neither of whom I have seen for months, but I would be amenable for hooking up with either of them for some good old make up sex, as beggars can't be choosers!

The Band - 'Don't do it'

2009-12-30T03:58:00.015Z

This is the same song with which The Band ended their career, as an encore at their legendary 'Last Waltz', Thanksgiving Day show in 1976. Think this UTuber is from a show about six months earlier though. Obviously this is a practise run... Rick Danko's opening bass lines are as funky as anything and when the drums and piano really lock in, it gets even better.

Anyhoo, It's a 'Holland-Dozier-Holland' Mowtown tune which was first made famous by Marvin Gaye. Levon Helm (the only American in the group does the honours on vocals).

Always wonder how great that The Band could have been with a second guitar player to compliment Robbie Robertson, and why Richard Manuel doesn't sing a note on this tune (Rick Danko seems to have to improv on all of the harmonies, even though Robbie had a really decent high tenor voice and does a couple of falsetto bits), but there you go....

Rolling on the river - Italian style

2009-12-29T23:35:00.009Z

One of the worst cover versions of all time. Even 'Ireland's Got Talent' would reject this.

Lucio Battista makes an interesting attempt at the John Fogarty classic 'Proud Mary'. Sadly Lucio doesn't succeed, despite appearing to have the entire La Scala philharmonic orchestra at his disposal and also the Italian version of Bob Dylan (Lucio's brother, I think) and what seems to be the complete cast of the Italian version of 'Hair' backing him.

I'm not bragging but I could seriously do a better version on my banjo or ukulele. But then again, this is from the country that regards Zucherro as a musical genius (and also gave us Mussolini)....

2009 - Top 5 good and bad sh*t list

2009-12-29T15:55:00.009Z

Well, as the year is almost ended, here is a list of my perks and peeves:-

Bad Sh*t:

Getting made redundant for the first time in my life in May 2009.
Trying to deal with truely ignorant pen-pushing public servants in the dole office who ask questions like "are you really doing anything to find a job?", even though I didn't apply for benefit for 4 months (out of some stupid sense of optimism and pride) and have 15 years worth of continuous PRSI stamps. I haven't claimed or received a cent from the state yet. Think that early 2010 will see me visiting those scumf*cks with a solicitor by my side. I spent a couple of years in the public service after Uni, so know exactly how ignorant some of the 'servants of the state' can be. Hope in 2010 that they get massacred (guards and nurses aside) and that the Senate gets abolished.
Jedward (need I say any more) and the fact that nobody has tried to assasinate Louis Walsh yet. Surely some religious fanatic or republican extremist can help with this? Also, the return of of talentless, gurning midget Robbie Williams to the world we call pop, although it looks like he's pretty much finished now.
Joe Duffy's 'Funny Friday' radio show. Is there any worse example of Licence-Payers' money being completely washed down the toilet?
Channel-flicking on the TV and constantly coming across 'Play TV', '2 Pints of Lager...', 'Top Gear' or any of those heavily scripted Panel Shows like 'Qi' or 'The Panel'

Good Sh*t:

Judicious and successful online gambling; Also, adult Japanese porn - keeps getting better and better - especially the stuff they do live on metro trains!
Getting to see P-Funk live (George Clinton - you are the man and always will be!).
All 5 seasons of 'The Wire' shown on the BBC. Was great, as my multi-region DVD player had packed up at the time.
Irish Catholic Bishops resigning in droves. How my heart wept!
The respective demises of Michael Jackson and Jade Goody. Again, my heart was broken. "Good for you!"

Fat Larry does Zoom

2009-12-28T23:51:00.004Z

Not many things that make me weep a couple of tears these days but this is one. Great Philly funk/soul/pop music from my childhood; 'Fat Larry' James is the bandleader and drummer. Not much of a surprise that he kicked the bucket at an early age - (think morbid obesity) :-(

The lead singer looks really like DJ Spoony.

Great fun entirely, Ted!

2009-12-27T00:44:00.031Z

You couldn't really make this up. Bogshite, apparently-retarted Parish Priest sobs on hearing of the (somewhat enforced) impending resignation of the Bishop of Killaloe, Dr Willie Walsh. Perhaps they'll be coming for him next?

His accent is so muck-savage that it's hard to make out what he's saying/sobbing. but he seems to want to convey to us that the beloved bishop has been a 'saviour for the country over t'last 15 years';

And at the end - "We just love the man - he's so cut". Perhaps the good bishop is a body-builder and the reference is to his physique; either that or he was circumcised particularly well?.

Also loved his opening line in this interview which seemed to have been 'We loved Willie...'. I think that loving willy (particularly those attached to 4-16 year old boys) is what got a lot of those perverts into this situation in the first place.

Wonder also what kind of name Mrs. Doyle would guess for this creature:-

Fr. Girly McSqueek
Fr. Harry Hysterical
Fr. Krai Baby
Fr. Tony Twit
Fr. Big Eejit
Fr. Psycho Sicko
Fr. Who's GoingToApproveMyExpensesNow
Fr. Billy BogShite
Fr. Willy Lover
Fr. Kiddy Fiddler
Fr. YoungAnus Adorer
Fr. Bishop Licker
Fr. TheyLeftTheFarmToMyBrotherSoIhadNoOtherOption

Dark was the Night, Cold was the Ground

2009-12-23T01:20:00.018Z

This is the legendary 'Blind' Willie Johnson, recorded in the late 1930's, doing the truely disturbing, aethereal 'Dark was the Night...' (a tune based on an old African-American spiritual originally referred to as 'Gethsemene'). Probably the most seminal piece of music recorded over the past 100 years (aside from Westlife's stuff, of course)...

I try to play along on slide to this on my Dobro sometimes but can never finish it for some reason - it's weird as I can get the notes & tuning down fairly easily, and it's not as if there are many words to remember, but it is almost like an impenetrable wall of sadness hits half-way through.

Willie was an itinterent musician who endurded a pretty horrific life of abuse and poverty, and died pretty young but his music had a huge influence in later years - Led Zeppelin, Ry Cooder, Duane Allman, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Rev. Gary Davis, Fairport Convention, Clapton, Jeff Beck, Rory Gallagher and so many other great people were deeply influenced by him.

A recording of this tune was allegedly included in a capsule sent into space on the 1977 Voyager flight. Am still waiting for it to land in my back garden or at least somewhere local (hopefully on the head of Louis Walsh).

Welcome to Listowel - Europe's #1 spot for Hen Parties

2009-12-20T16:48:00.012Z

The mayor of Listowel blames all of this fuss and nonsense on the advent of the mini-skirt, Nell McCafferty, Marian Finucane and Sinead O'Connor.

"Ask not for whom the window squints..."

Not much to say about this really - those 50 odd filthy, backward shits who shook that guy's hand in the court room should be thrown into the sea. At least the mad priest got shown the door...

Really shameful how some of the inbred residents of that town are all over the Interweb insinuating that the victim 'had a history' and was essentially 'asking for it'.

It makes me so proud to be a citizen of this country:-(

http://www.listowel.ie/

Bill Cullen to cull Bishops

2009-12-08T23:29:00.017Z

Following shocking revelations in the Ryan and Murphy reports, documenting instances of historical child abuse and years of cover-ups by the Irish Catholic church, TV3 have developed a unique new quality TV show, hosted by self-made millionaire used-car salesman, Bill Cullen.

Bill and his expert team (Marty Whelan, Lorraine Keane and Brian Dowling from Big Brother 2) will interview and critique 10 existing bishops and attempt to find one with any sense of moral decency.

The impressive prizes for the winning contestant will include:-

One year's free consultancy from Mr. Cullen's top PR person, to advise on ongoing damage limitation.
A luxury hamper from IrishHampers.ie.
An all-expenses, 2-week stay at a Phillipines orphanage.
A complete new wardrobe from the 2010 John Rocha 'Vatican' collection.

The 9 losers will be forced to resign from their posts immediately and will be sent to work as missionaries in the Democratic Republic of Congo or Liberia.

"I don't give a feck about your 'Pastoral Reflection'.
By the end of this, 9 of yiz are out of here."

Tiger Woods - close shave

2009-12-03T13:18:00.005Z

Poor old Eldrick Woods. Sundry bimbos are coming out of the woodwork to tear holes into the illusion of his perfect little wholesome American marriage. Expect a tearful appearance on Oprah soon...

Tigers's various conquests line up at the offices of the National Enquirer to spill the beans.

The world's blandest high-profile sports person is reported to be self-flagellating with a pitching wedge in an attempt to obtain forgiveness for his 'transgressions' and 'sins'.

I'm putting this down to the curse of the odiously cheesy Gilette shaving advertisements he did with Thierry Henry and Roger Federer.

Three extremely smug tossers.

Play TV - JG is gone?

2009-12-01T00:37:00.000Z

Wow - It seems that JG Murphy has resigned from TV3's late night flagship rip-off quiz show Play TV.

JG does 'Spot the difference' for the very last time.

Like many, I had warmed to him eventually as the most competent of their presenters. Think he will probably have a decent career in the media. It took some skill to be amiable for 3 hours every night while presenting that car-crash...

So we are left now with the not-so-bright Northern girl who dresses like a tramp (with varicose veins) and has a horrible adenoidal Belfasty accent and the almost equally thick red-headed girl Fiona. It just won't be the same again...

Mowtown Magic

2009-11-06T01:27:00.002Z

The mighty Temptations rehearse 'Sorry is a Sorry Word' (no, not the shitty Elton John song) in a Mowtown studio.

Boggle-eyed soul legend David Ruffin had become the de facto lead singer at this time. His elder brother Jimmy also achieved some fame on another Mowtown hit 'What becomes of the Broken Hearted?' Jimmy had been turned down for the Temptations though as he had 2 left feet when it came to dance steps.

The talent in this clip is unbelievable. The Tempts are backed here by various core members of the legendary Funk Brothers house band (James Jamerson in background on bass, Earl van Dyke on keys, Robert White, Joe Messina, Eddie Willis on guitars) and also Brian Holland (of Holland-Dozier-Holland fame) who wrote this tune and breaks it up half-way in to ask them to do another take.

Eddie Holland wrote the vocals. He is the guy in the producer's area with the flamboyant pompadour hair. Lamont Dozier is visible in the top left corner when they resume the recording.

This clip was alledgedly done as a promo, but the Tempts vocalist Eddie Kendrick and especially funk-brother band leader Earl 'chunk of funk' van Dyke look distinctly unhappy at having their work interrupted and critized.

Black Jacks at the Academy 2

2009-11-04T00:45:00.000Z

Just back from the 'Blk Jks' gig at the Academy tonight. Didn't know much about them but their album 'After Robots' had gotten rave reviews from Mojo and similar magazines, so thought it worth checking out. They are a four-piece rock group from Johannesburg. Spent the last couple of days listening to the CD.

BLK JKS: (L-R) Rhytym gtr/vcls, Bass gtr/vcls, Lead gtr/lead vcls, Drums/vcls. No idea how to spell their Zulu names, so won't bother at this point.

They were pretty damn good, very hard to classify - South African roots, bits of Hendrix and even U2 and Radiohead in the mix (but I won't hold that against them too much); The lead singer/lead guitarist was brilliant. He was (ahem, I think) skinning up in the mensroom when the support act was on. I didn't have a clue who he was but I think he was worried that I would steal his pint from beside the sink where he had left it :-(

As for the show, I don't think there were any more than 70 people there tonight. Not surprising as the weather was horrific.

Anyhoo, forgot to bring my camera, so might post photos from my phone if any of them are useable...

Have been to the Academy in Middle Abbey St. for a few gigs recently. Nice place (think Vicar St. Xtra-lite). The building was the old Adelphi cinema from years back, as far as I know. Relaxed atmosphere - very friendly bouncers and staff. Also, the gig only cost 12 Euro on the entrance fee - take note Paul McCartney...

Return of the Moving Statues

2009-10-29T01:04:00.000Z

Virgin Mary, as she appears to Joe Coleman

Dubliner Joe Coleman, who describes himself as "a visionary of our Blessed Mother and a spiritual healer under the energy of the Holy Spirit" recently drew large crowds to the Knock Basilica when he predicted an apparition from the alleged mother of Jesus.

Coleman (55), who is based in Ballyfermot, Dublin, told the Irish Times yesterday he believes Our Lady appears to him because, “I’m a channel for love, and I’m a channel for God”. He claims he has “never gone public before” on his ability to see apparitions, which dates back to 1986. “I was in hospital having an operation – I broke my ankle – and I died under anaesthetic. I left my body and I went to heaven, where I saw my father who had passed away, and my son, and Our Lady and Jesus and Archangel Michael.”

Until recently, he described himself as a clairvoyant. He now prefers the term “spiritual healer”, and claims to be able to cure people of various illnesses. "People come to me for all sorts of ailments. They could have cancer, arthritis, haemorrhoids, MS – all sorts of things. Healing comes out of my hands. I pray over people and sometimes touch them in their delicate regions. That normally does the trick".

Last Sunday, Coleman claimed to have had another vision of the blessed mother while visiting the toilet in Murty Coyne's bar in Knock, following midday mass. "I had a bad curry the night before so made a bit of a mess", said Coleman. "It was when I was wiping myself down that I saw the blessed virgin smiling serenely at me from the toilet bowl. I took this as a sign that I should not flush the toilet. A voice told me that she would return again at 7PM that evening and reveal certain key secrets involving the oncoming advent of armageddon if the human race did not renounce Satan immediately.

I went back at 6:55 but Murty had got the specialist cleaners in and destroyed the beatific image of the mother of Our Lord, so this picture is the only evidence I have of the apparition. Murty will burn in hell for that. I don't care that he has now barred me for life.":

Joe captures image of blessed Virgin Mary's latest apparition

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Tuam, Dr Michael Neary, has issued a statement that makes clear the church’s view of Coleman’s predictions: "That man is a f*cking nutter - I checked with various dioceses and it seems that he is such an oddball that his regular applications for the priesthood were turned down a total of 27 times over the years 1985 - 1989 (bear in mind that back then we weren't too fussy and would take any kind of deviant or eejit).

Certainly, the fact that he was completely illiterate, and had done 13 years in Mountjoy for a litany of serious crimes was a stumbling block to any potential ordination, but his beliefs that his holieness the Pope was a lizard spawned by aliens, and that the jews (sic) were trying to poison his tea-bags (because he knew too much) also counted against him."

Slagtastic! Bet she went to a Loreto Convent school.

2009-10-22T17:20:00.000+01:00

"Wahoo - Jade Goody, Britney and Jordan are my idols!"

I encountered someone very similar to this fine lady on a Saturday Nightlink bus earlier this year.

On that occasion though, the girl wore her underwear in a more conventional manner; Her panties looked like they may have been white originally, although a dose of double incontinence seemed to have occurred, so it was really quite hard to tell. I only happened to notice this fact, as she spent the latter part of the journey upside-down in the stairwell of the bus and caused me to miss my stop and I practically need to perform a gymnastic bars routine to avoid standing on her head or staining my shoes in her vomit, when I finally attempted to disembark.

She appeared to be semi-conscious but was still making a detemined effort to hum along with her similarly classy friends who were screeching out a rendition of the horrific Robbie Williams dirge 'Angels'.

Anyhoo, hope she got home OK and that her family (and the nuns) are proud of her!

The Dark End of the Street - diffs

2009-10-17T01:37:00.000+01:00

Two versions of the same song. Not sure which I like better (does that make me bi-polar?).

James Carr

Gram Parsons

A sad tale of infidelity and ensuing guilt. I'm not sure which version I like better.

James Carr is not remembered as much now as he probably should be, as one of the greatest southern soul singers of all time like Otis, Wilson Pickett, Percy Sledge, Solomon Burke et al.

He 'fell at the first hurdle' due to mental health issues and ended up virtually catatonic for most of his life.

Gram Parsons was a rich-kid who found that he had a knack for country/soul music and managed to get himself into 'the Byrds' and unofficially 'the Rolling Stones' and made vital contributions at crucial times in both bands' careers, with 'the Byrds' on 'Sweethearts of the Rodeo' and with 'the Stones' on their 'Exile on Main Street' period.

This is essentially his own group - 'The Flying Buritto Brothers'. Gram Parsons didn't make it past 30 years of age, I don't think. Fulfilling a promise, some friends stole his coffin and gave him a cremation in the Joshua Tree Park in CA.

James Carr made a couple of very brief comebacks but died a few years back, after being cared for by his sister for many years.

I find it abhorrent when people try to do this song - like Andrew Strong in 'the Commitments', or anyone on 'XYZ Factor' or any of those shows. You can't touch these 2 versions...

50 best characters from 'the Wire'

2009-10-16T03:45:00.000+01:00

Saw this unusual list on the Interweb and can't really disagree with much of it:

The Wire - 50 best characters.

No surprise as to whom the #1 position was awarded to.
Would be interesting to see similar top 50 lists with 'Fair City' or 'Hollyoaks' characters. It could be done on City Channel or TV3, with perhaps Gerry Ryan presenting.

I am sure, judging by his appalling 'Ryan Confidential', that Gerry is up for anything on TV these days. Saw him interview Roger Moore last night while he guzzled his red wine in the upmarket restaurant of the Westbury Hotel. Poor old Roger probably needed to lie down in a dark room for a while after enduring Gerry's platitudes for 30 minutes.

Gerry's sombre, slowly-spoken overdubs defy belief on these shows. Does nobody in RTE have the guts to tell him how bad they are?

Update on my life

2009-10-16T00:33:00.000+01:00

OK - this photo wasn't taken from my best side, but I blame the photographer. I guess I may have taken my recent redundancy more badly than I had anticipated initially, and made a bad mistake in giving all of my Italian designer clothes to that charity shop last month.

No bother though - I hear that the grunge look is back for this season.

This is I in People's Park, Dun Laoghaire, last week. I may have put on some weight but it's all muscle, I assure you.

At least I kept my laptop and can still blog, as I can hook into the wi-fi of local suckers. Here I am sending off my CV for the 1,000th time. The dog died, but I guess I can eat it when I get hungry...

I probably don't smell too nice as I stupidly drank my last bottle of 'Salvador Dali Eau de Toilette' last night, but I think I have enough qualities to ace any interview, in any major company.

Have to go now as it is council bin day tomorrow. Need to explore them for scraps of food before they take them away in the morning.

Keep the faith,
B.

Stephen Gately dead

2009-10-11T16:25:00.002+01:00

Don't want to offend anyone close to him (yeah like they'd be reading this anyway!) but I'm guessing that we can expect the delcaration of a 'national day of mourning' very soon...

Future presidential candidate, B. Ahern certainly wasted no time this morning releasing a statement lauding this great 'musician' (what the f*ck?). Ahern's PR folks must have woken him up early, as he is promoting his book this weekend. Nice tie-in.

I heard this years ago about Gately, so not so sure how true it is, but it would appear the real reason he emerged from his closet a few years back was that a certain UK redtop got wind of an existing caution from the Irish police against him from years ago and more or less blackmailed him, via Walsh, into either confessing all or being 'exposed'.

Hints: the reason for the caution involved the words 'solicitation', 'mens public toilets', 'Connolly Train Station'.

I guess this will be revealed in the press soon if there is any truth in it. The other thing I heard at the time was that he had to endure the Louis Walsh 'casting couch' quite a lot.

Can't blame the guy, as he came from a really rough area, left school early and didn't have any other way of making money in the barren early 90s. Think I had met him a few times back then, as he was going out with a guy I knew from Uni at the time. He (Gately) seemed a fairly decent chap, very short, very effeminate and (ahem) not the brightest person on the block.

Anyhoo, he dumped my Uni colleague, on Louis Walsh's orders, once he got the Sh*tzone job.
Not much else I can say, except R.I.P., although the '1 down, 4 to go' jokes have started already on the InterWeb.

I'd include Louis Walsh and all of Westlife in that list. Surely we can have a Hague tribunal for 'Crimes Against Music' some day soon.

TV3 - Play TV. Naked Presenters

2009-10-11T11:56:00.000+01:00

In an attempt to boost ratings, as they still appear to have very few callers per night, the Play TV folks have come up with a unique new approach.

Regular presenters J.G., Fiona and that other Northern bird have agreed to appear completely naked on each show. The callers will be invited to dial the premium lines and guess the amount of hairs on the presenter's body.

To avoid any risk of repetition, in the games, the presenters will also begin each game by shaving a part of their body, behind a screen, then displaying their various 'regions' to the general public.
Also, the length of the reckonable hair will differ each night, adding to the excitement and reducing the chance of anyone winning a prize.

Where's my feckin' razor? I need to get the suit off and trim the bush. Remember caller: "" tonight is pubes-only night, so head hair is not included..."

Whispering Pines

2009-10-10T00:22:00.001+01:00

L-R, Richard Manuel (Piano and vcls.), Levon Helm (drums and vcls.), Rick Danko (Bass and vcls.), Garth Hudson (Organ) and Robbie Robertson (gtr. vcls. and band leader)

Perhaps the best piece of work that 'The Band' ever did, post-Dylan; Richard Manuel's achingly beautiful, piano-based composition 'Whispering Pines' from their 'Brown Album'. He sings the lead on this with Levon and Rick on backing vocals.

Where exactly was the real 'Club Tropicana'?

2009-10-06T12:46:00.003+01:00

It was never really made clear as to the true location of the 'Club Tropicana' referenced in Wham's classic pop tune, until now...

In fact I can reveal that the real Club Tropicana was actually situated in a basement flat in Clarinda Park, Dun Laoghaire.

The famed nightclub Tropicana in all its pomp.

UCD philosophy graduate Justin Ponce had spotted a gap in the market and opened the club in 1983. It's noteriety soon grew and began attracting top name celebs like Wham, Duran Duran, Grace Jones, Twink, Bishop Eamon Casey, and the Dalkey Rat-Pack (Adam Clayton, Chris deBurgh, Pat Kenny, Ronnie Wood and most of Def Leppard).

"Those were great days, in retrospect", says Ponce. "George Michael became totally enamoured by the place when he first visited. In fact, he bought 2 places in Clarinda just so he could be close to my club, whenever he was in Dublin.

His lyrics really sum up what things were like in those hedonistic days. The basement flat could accomodate up to 30 stars at any one time. My mom served the cocktails through a sliding hatch in the kitchen. Her bedroom doubled as the orgy room.

The place once got so packed that I had to turn away Mick Jagger, Jerry Hall, Andy Warhol and Gerry Ryan all on the one night. Mick was quite dismissive and claimed he didn't want to come in anyway, as he was just 'waiting on a friend', and would get his limo driver to take him to Shaft in Ely Place instead.

Another night, Oliver Reed and Richard Harris dropped in. They were complete gentlemen, I must say, nothing like their reputations, although it took a few hours to clean up the vomit and faeces they left on the bedspread in my mother's room.

It was true that the 'drinks were free'. I still managed to make a profit by imposing a nightly cover charge of 500 punts, although we'd let nurses in for free on Thursdays. I always wore a Panama hat while working the door, so I'm, sure that was a reference to me."

Let me take you to the place where membership’s a smiling face,
Brushing shoulders with the stars.
Where strangers take you by the hand,
And welcome you to wonderland -
From beneath their Panamas...

Club tropicana, drinks are free,
Fun and sunshine - there’s enough for everyone.
All that’s missing is the sea,
But don’t worry, you can suntan!

"It was actually possible to get a suntan. I had set up 2 prototype sunbeds in an annex at the back of the garden. Things went badly wrong one night when future Eurovision queen Linda Martin used one and fell asleep for 3 hours. She sufferred 2nd-degree burns to most of her body, but I still maintain that it was her own fault for having knocked back too many cocktails and for fiddling with the controls on the machine.

Her lawsuit failed in the end as I had put in CC-TV and could prove that it was Twink who locked her in the sunbed.

Those were great days. We always had the heating turned all the way up to give the place that tropical feel, and planted some plastic palm trees beside the fish pool in the back garden."

Castaways and lovers meet,
Then kiss in tropicana’s heat,
Watch the waves break on the bay.
Soft white sands, a blue lagoon,
Cocktail time, a summer’s tune,
A whole night’s holiday!

Justin was forced to close the club a couple of years back when an internicine feud between the entourages of Eminem and Westlife exploded into violence. A shootout ensued, the guards were called and Justin was questioned as to why he had been operating a nightclub for 23 years without a licence.

He fled to the Bahamas a couple of days later, where he now has plans to open a new Club Tropicana.

His 83-year old mother got sentenced to 4 years in prison for operating an unlicened premises, as the flat was in her name. While inside, she became involved in a passionate affair with nastier one of the scissor sister murderers. Unfortunately Mrs. Ponce was shanked in the showers in Wheatfield women's prison last month and is no longer with us. 49 Clarinda Park West is still up for sale....

George Benson - Take Five

2009-10-02T04:15:00.005+01:00

George Benson does the Dave Brubeck/Paul Desmond jazz classic 'Take 5'. I love to watch anything old by Benson as he had become the official poster person for Ibanez jazz guitars by then.

He almost seems to play this with a certain amount of disdain, like it's technically beneath him or something; At times he is playing with more speed than any heavy metal-head could do even though he is on a bulky jazz guitar with absolutely no effect pedals.

Anyhoo, this was around the time when people had discovered that GB was possessed of a very good voice, besides being an untouchable natural genius on jazz guitar.

I started to dislike him when he got one of those Jackson family nose jobs in the late 80's, began doing bland pop ballads and got into Jehovah's Witness sh*t. But them is my predjudices.

Will always love his guitars though!

Wahoo - PlayTV may be f*cked

2009-10-02T03:05:00.000+01:00

Thanks to the good work of a couple of Boards.ie members, it looks like TV3's shameful PlayTV 'quiz' show may be taken off the air. Should mean a good decrease in eldery pensioners wasting 80 EUR per night trying to connect to the non-open lines on their fraudulent show.

The regulating Broadcasting Complaints Commission has agreed with most complainents and I can't really see any other eventuality than this crap being shut down now.

Here are some of the amusing decisions giving by the BCC:
BCC verdict on Play TV

J.G., don't despair- you will probably still have a career, as a taxi-driver, prostitute or beggar!

TV3 - PlayTV. An unhappy caller

2009-10-01T03:33:00.000+01:00

Someone mailed me on this earlier.

The lovely slag Fiona was presenting on PlayTV tonight with one of their usual completely unsolvable quiz games where you have to count the number of cats left on a bus after a series of improbable incidents occur during a trip...

Caller:
"Am i live on air?

Fiona:
"Yes you are caller, what's your answer?"

Caller:
"The answer is you're a thieving b*tch and i don't know how you sleep at night"

Classic! hope someone will UTube it as I missed it... Apparently, they gave away about 200 EUR tonight, even though they were promising 15,000 at one point for a resolution of the one quiz game they played all night. Unf*ckingbelievable.

Think that the other presenter J.G. got done recently in a similar manner when a caller gave the answer as 'This is a total scam'.

J.G., to his credit just replied with a robotic 'Sorry caller, that's not the right answer, but please do try again'. Kudos for his quick thinking on that one!

Bring on the imsomniac merry pranksters!

Immigrant Avenue & Fela Kuti

2009-09-30T04:10:00.000+01:00

This is Fela Kuti, a passed musical genius from Nigeria doing 'Water has no Enemy'. He came to mind when I was out shopping today and overheard a couple of typical taxi drivers slobbering down their Latee Coffees and moaning about how the 'f*cking Africans (sic)' were taking over their jobs. I was listening to this through one half of my MP3 player at the time.

Thankfully, they didn't use the 'N' word'...

It may be kind of true that 30% of city-centre Dublin cabbies come from Nigeria these days, but at least you can ask them to turn off Sh*te 104 on the radio, and put some good music on - most of the guys can whip out a Fela or King Sunny Ade CD in seconds.

My thinking/experience is that if you show the slightest bit of interest in someone else's culture, then you may get some respect back.

From hundreds of trips, I have only had 4 bad experiences with Nigerian cabbies - one insisted on playing religious instruction CDs, two tried it on with me (invitations which I politely declined but took as back-handed compliments) and one went on a wild visit three times around the Harcourt Street vicinity. I got out and paid immediately on all occasions.

In the whole, I have had nothing but good laughs with taxi drivers from the new sides of our community in recent years.

Just wish that those dinosaurs would get over it...

Oh yeah - it would be great as well if RTE could put a believably representative immigrant family in Fair City. I know they had a Nigerian family a while back, but in the couple of shows I saw, the 'actors' looked like they were heavily sedated and had wandered in to the wrong place, expecting to do some contract cleaning. I think they did the same thing with poorly-written Eastern European characters who were usually all villanous by nature.

Alternatively just invent a new show.They could call it 'Immigration Avenue', 'Romanian Road', 'Lithuania Lane', 'African Avenue' , 'Polish Place', 'Filipino Flats', 'Chinese Close', 'Generally-Latino Square' or something along those lines...

Just throw some stereotypical Eastern European navvies and Roma folks with poor accordian skills into the plot and we'd really have an award-winner.

Anyhoo, I jest a little - just going to dig Fela for now.

Gok-Wank in shock after eye surgery

2009-09-29T09:39:00.000+01:00

Why didn't anyone tell me I was so revolting looking?

Channel 4 presenter Gok-Wan, who has made his name for humiliating frumpy housewives on his TV show, was reportedly under heavy sedation last night, following the results of eye surgery to correct issues with his vision.

A hospital source commented:- "Once the bandages came off, he demanded to see himself in a full-length mirror. He shrieked and became hysterical when he realised that he looked more of a fashion disaster than any of the ladies he had ever insulted on his show. "This mirror is f*cked, he sobbed. I look practically emaciated, my clothes are sh*te and what's going on with my hair?"

The camp presenter sufferred from myopia for all of his life but was apparently convinced for the last several years that he had the charismatic looks and style-sense of an oriental Brad Pitt.

This delusion gave him great confidence on his TV Show 'How to look good in the F*cking Nip', during which he chided middle-aged women for such crimes as not using the correct skin toner, wearing the wrong heels, under-emphasising their cleavages, having large hips and wearing striped blouses in the wrong season.

A senior staff nurse who did not wish to be named commented: "Poetic Justice - this limp-wristed freak of nature has finally realised that it is he himself who needs a drastic makeover.

He was highly abusive when he first arrived here - asking one young nurse exactly what abbatoir she had escaped from. He also reduced a cleaner to tears by asking if she gets all her clothes from Oxfam, told her that she had hair like like a really butch lesbian and asked her to do something to cover up her varicose veins, as they were making him ill".

"We will not be sad to see him go"...

Sly and the Family Stone

2009-09-28T00:49:00.002+01:00

Sly Stone was always one of the most interesting characters of the 60's musical revolution. He was a brilliant composer and multi-instrumentalist (a Mozart-like genius, in my opinion) but when he got into cocaine and heroin, things hit the slides big time.

His performance at festivals like Woodstock made him into a legend. He also had the guts to resist all calls to make his band 'less female' and/or 'less caucasian', despite stupid political oppostion.

Here he is in 69, before he got real bad, doing a medley of hits.

Things did get so bad within the band that Sly once arranged for a group of his goons/bodyguards to give a real hiding to super-bassist Larry Graham, who was having an affair at the time with the wife of Sly's brother - Freddie (who is playing the beautiful Gibson on this). Also Sly resented Graham for getting more female attention than he was getting at the time.

Anyhoo, one of their roadies got wind of the plan and managed to spirit Larry and his girlfriend away down a hotel backstairs on the night in question, to save them from Sly's posse.

Larry Graham left to do his own thing after that and ended up years later playing bass with Prince. Sly kept sinking and sinking, but he's still alive, albeit in in really poor health...

Chris de Burgh surprised by critics

2009-09-23T22:49:00.000+01:00

Ireland's number 1 balladeer, Chris de Burgh admitted today to being quite stunned by the reaction to his recently-released album of cover versions 'Footsteps', on which he interprets songs by a diverse array of artists such as the Beatles, the Byrds, Pete Seeger and Bob Dylan.

"To be honest, I've never had a decent review for any of my work, so I was quite shocked when the Irish Times referred to my new album as 'almost listenable'. To have the NME call it 'surprisingly inoffensive bland MOR' was also very weird."

"When Rolling Stone gave it two stars out of five, I knew I was on to something big. They had famously referred to my work in the past as combining the very worst elements of the Bee Gees and Cat Stephens. Very, very hurtful, at the time."

Chris was further boosted by reviews from other respected elements of the printed press:-

'Not half as shit as you would have expected from this unctuous clown' - Spin magazine.

'This one is a keeper - will give it to my aunt as an xmas gift' - Sunday Times.

'I didn't puke once while listening to this. I think I need to see a doctor' - Evening Herald.

'Of course, it's shite but I found myself humming along to a couple of the tunes. Think I'll self-harm now...' - Hot Press

'Actually almost liked a few of the tunes on this. Early signs of dementia on my part?' - Evening Standard

'Oasis and Blur are great. Chris de Burgh is OK' - Q Magazine

'For some reason, and I can't quite put my finger on it, this is not too bad' - Dave Fanning

'Have lost the will to live after listening to this and actually liking some of it' - Mojo Magazine

'F*ck me. How did he manage to make a half-decent album? I expected it to be as shit as the wretched crap done by my stable of performers' - Simon Cowell

Whilst admitting that he is grateful for all of the positive feedback from the media, Chris is determined to continue his long-running battle with Irish Ferries, encouraging his fans to refuse to pay the Ferry company, until you actually reach the other side (normally Holyhead). "Don't payyyyyyy the Ferry Man" he bellowed. At this point he excused himself as he had a nanny to ~~feck~~ console...

Lay me your money down

2009-09-23T00:54:00.000+01:00

Tillakeratne Dilshan - a really nice bloke, by all accounts

Wahoo! Won a good K+ on Sri Lanka in the cricket today, when they trashed South Africa in a 50-overs game. They were as long as 15/8 at the start so I lumped on, and threw more at it during the game until they got below evens.

One of those times when the outcome was just so bleeding obvious, it was too good to resist...

Just p*ssed off that I didn't put 5 K on it, but the Lankans, for all their talents, can f*ck it up some times, so caution is usually required.

Anyhoo - thanks Dilshan, Mahela, Sanga, Mendis and especially Paddy Power; Give me some money! I shall save it all for a rainy day. Actually, I'll put a couple of hundred on Colarado in the early morning Baseball also. Will see how that works out...

China Cat Sunflower

2009-09-22T02:05:00.000+01:00

Never understood why people liked the Grateful Dead in such a fanatical manner, but this tune is impossibly funky. Jerry Garcia is pretty classy on this.

Poor ole Jerry was a decent guitar player but could never really sing; somehow he got away with it for 30 odd years. Bob Weir was pretty OK but no match for Jorma Kaukonen of the Airplane, Mike Bloomfield or any of those guys who were around at the time. Look out for a young Bill Gates on bass, before he invented an operating system!

Anyhoo - think the reason I never really dug the Dead was because, as in this case, their tunes tended to go on into never-ending culs de sac unlike their San Francisco rivals the Jefferson Airplane, who always kept things tight, could sing way better and had better players on bass and lead gtr., at least in terms of making popular music.
One sad thing is seeing Ron 'Pigpen' McKernan in his cowboy hat tapping tambourine at the back of this. I think he lasted only a few months after this was shot. The profits of Jack Daniels declined significantly that year.

Whatever happened to... B.P. Fallon?

2009-09-21T13:58:00.000+01:00

B.P. Fallon was a legend in Irish radio and media circles back in my school days. I used to listen to his Saturday night radio show religiously, where he would do very well-informed one hour documentaries on all of the greats - Otis Redding, Janis Joplin, Sam Cooke are the ones that stand out for me. I would tape them and re-listen for hours on end...

I remember once calling in as a pundit, when I was about 14, on an RTE1 radio show where the newest musical releases were being reviewed. I think Ian Dempsey hosted it and B.P. was a panellist. I was shitting myself trying not to say anything too stupid, but the Beep put me at ease when he agreed with me that Prince was the rising genius of the musical world. Think I gave a big thumbs down to Banarama and Kajagoogoo's latest singles:-(

Rather like the character in the Woody Allen movie 'Zelig', B.P. could appear anywhere at anytime, like in this clip where he has hair and bangs a tambourine on John Lennon's Top of the Pops version of Instant Karma:
BP with John Lennon

B.P. went on to work as a publicist with Led Zeppelin, Thin Lizzy, Boomtown Rats and various other people. In the Zeppelin bio book 'Hammer of the Gods', it is pretty apparent that Led Zep's thuggish, scumbag drummer John Bonham hated Beep and was close to doing serious violence to him on several occasions.

Anyhoo, I actually met the Beep a few years back. It was back in the day when there was an all night predominately gay club called 'Shaft' in Ely Place, where everybody who hated Leeson Street,and thought they were cool, would go after all other places had closed at 3 in the morning.

B.P. was with an attractive young blonde girl, whom I assumed was his niece or something (ahem)! He stopped for a five minute chat and was a real gent. He spoke exactly like he did on the radio - like something out of a beatnik novel - "Hey Daddy-O, that's cool".

It seems that he is now an esteemed DJ in New York clubs. Go figure!

I think B.P. should run for president of Ireland after Mrs. McAleese's tenure is complete. He would certainly make a better run of it than that shameless piece of sh*te Aherne, who has zero chance.

A Great Day in Harlem

2009-09-21T03:49:00.000+01:00

This is, sometimes, the first thing I see when I wake of a morning - a big mounted print of the iconic Jazz photo taken by Art Kane in 1958, for an article in Esquire magazine.

Kane was new to photography at that time and had sent out word that he would be doing a shoot at a certain location in Harlem on a particular morning. Hoping for perhaps a dozen jazzers to show up, he was shocked when almost 60 made it, all for no fee.

It took around 3 hours to shoot, as people who hadn't met in years were reaquainting themselves and trying to wake up, if they had been playing in the wee small hours. This was in the days before 'Red Bull'!

There are some real giants here - Dizzy Gillespie (on the right, sticking his tongue out), Gerry Mulligan behind him, Theolonious Monk looking very dapper beside the ladies, Sonny Rollins in the shades, Lester Young (looking down on his luck), Charlie Mingus dragging on a cigarette and trying to seem hard.

Art Blakey is towards the back - I know someone who looks exactly like him at that age (the Bill Cosby look, I calls it).

The éminence grise in the middle, front centre is Coleman Hawkins, still dressed up in his suit from the night before. Count Basie would probably have had seniority and occupied that top spot but chose instead to sit on the curb with the young neighbourhood scallywags, as his bunnions were hurting him...

There is a DVD available called 'A Great Day in Harlem' which explains the whole background to the photo shoot and also gives insights into the lives of the lesser known musicians who appear in this picture. Think it won a few awards when the movie came out. Well worth a viewing...

Stephen Ireland - Why I can't play for Eire

2009-09-21T02:11:00.000+01:00

Talented Manchester City midfielder today ruled out a return to the international fold.

Stephen Ireland had previously missed out on international duty by claiming that his maternal (and then paternal) grandmothers had passed away. This came as a great surprise to both ladies at the time.

In an exclusive interview with respected broadsheet 'The Sun', Mr. Ireland revealed the real plausible reasons why he cannot play for his home nation:-

"My girlfriend was recently raped by a lesbian Octopus - it's not something I'll get over any time soon. Also, my sister is being held captive by the Taliban in Drimnagh and my brother was kidnapped by aliens. My Ma has a goiter the size of 2 basketballs on her gee, and my Da's leg fell off last week. I just can't concentrate on international football at this point in time".

"You have to be realistic, Manchester City only offered me 80K per week to play for them. How do you think I feel with all this turmoil? That gaffer Trappatoni guy is meant to be a bastard as well. We have no midfield - if a modern-day Ronnie Whelan, Roy Keane or even John Giles was playing, I might consider it cos at least I'd have a decently inferior partner beside me, but at the end of the day, I'd be doing all of the work, for no money. What is the point of that? Now, excuse me, my Ferrari is double-parked outside."

You got to know when to hold them...

2009-09-21T00:24:00.000+01:00

One of my few talents is online gambling, which I seem to have a knack for but do quite rarely, as it is obviously a potentially ruinous route.

Last time I plunged big was the cricket world cup in the early summer, during which I was able to do bets on the 'in the running' market, as I had been recently made unemployed and got fed up with doing the garden all day. Came out with a good few Ks (thanks Sri Lanka and Australia!).

The other night, I got a hot tip from a 'friend', who shall remain nameless, to bet the house on Seattle to beat San Francisco in tonight's NFL. I was going to throw a few Ks at it but thankfully didn't.

The first few games in the NFL season are normally erratic, as a large minority of the players are generally up on rape charges, spousal-abuse charges, steroid charges, dog-fighting charges or murder charges at the beginning of the season. This can tend to play on their minds a bit...

Anyhoo, San Fran won. Might be the only game they win this season. Hope they enjoy it!

I'll keep my coins in my man-bag until at least the 3rd game of the NFL season...

Give me your hand

2009-09-20T23:45:00.001+01:00

Twice around the parlour and mind out for the dresser...

This is "Tabhair dom do lámh" ("Give Me Your Hand"), which I always thought was composed by Sean O'Riada, but apparently goes back a couple of centuries. The only other versions I could find were by the Wolfe Tones (whom I regard as IRA-loving Nazis) and Planxty (who had Christy Moore in their ranks - his very voice makes me want to vomit).

Not sure if the song ever had English-translated lyrics, or any lyrics at all? I'm reading a bio on Paul Robeson at the moment - he would have blown this out of the water, if he had an orchestra behind him.

Shame that it takes a southern US emsemble to do a decent version of this.

Elton John - Bad Samaritan

2009-09-15T09:02:00.000+01:00

Mrs Gilsenan - "I much prefer that nice Chris de Burgh, Marilyn Manson or Tupac Shakur. Mr. John has not made a decent recording in 35 years. He is a spoiled ignorant pig in my opinion."

Elton John's recent trip to Ireland was ruined by the acts of a selfish, accident-prone pensioner.

Making a flying visit to Dublin, to take advantage of a sale at the top mens' fashion store 'Unique', concerned Sir Elton ordered his limousine driver to stop immediately when he noticed 92 year old Drumcondra pensioner Joan Gilsenan prostrate on the pavement in Cuffe Street.

Famed humanitarian, Sir Elton waddled from the car and ordered his travelling companion David Furnish to 'look in her handbag and find her address. She is obviously high so we need to make an intervention and send some people around to her place to clean out her booze stash and medicine cabinet'.

Mr Furnish attempted to help Mrs. Gilsenan to her feet, but was unable to do so, as she had sustained a broken leg and hip, after slipping on a drain cover.

Sir Elton offerred to fly Mrs. Gilsenan to London, at his own expense, and have her admitted to The Priory. 'What type of stuff are you on love? Booze, xanax, valium, crack cocaine, weed? I've seen it all, believe me...

You need help - you need to realise that. I have helped top international stars like Robbie Williams to conquer their addictions, so there is no reason we can't do the same for you dear, if you live long enough'.

Mrs. Gilsenan replied that she was only taking the occasional Panadol for her arthritis and felt that all she really needed was for someone to call an ambulance, as she was in considerable agony at the time.

At this point Sir Elton flew into a rage and called Mrs. Gilsenan an 'ungrateful old homophobic slag and a pleb'. "Don't you know who I am?", he raged. "I was Diana's best friend and my charities raise millions for AIDs research. You can't even be bothered to get your lazy broken body up off the pavement, you self-centred cow", he ranted.

Sir Elton is not pleased...

"Get me out of here David. Leave this selfish b*tch to wallow in her own denial and crawl her way to a hospital. I want to go somewhere classy like Florida, Zurich or Cannes right NOW! And I want lots of nice flowers and expensive chocolates in the hotel suite when we get there."

Rory blows on the Mando

2009-09-14T21:02:00.000+01:00

Not sure what the f*ck the bass player and the drummer are doing on this but this is 'The last King of Ireland, Rory Gallagher'. Just be thankful that Bono was not available to do a 'Late Late Show' tribute when Rory passed. enough said...

" I'm done! " - Bobby Womack on Jools Holland's Later

2009-09-08T23:31:00.000+01:00

Bobby Womack does Jools Holland's BBC show 'Later', and plays 'California Dreaming' and one of his signature tune's - 'Across 110th Street', which is best known these days for its use in the movie 'Jackie Brown'.

The movie 'Across 110th Street' was labelled as a 'Blaxploitation' flick, with its stars Anthony Quinn and Yaphet Kotto, but I think it was just a pretty good mainstream movie; the 'Exploitation' genre was great at the time and has certainly inspired Quentin Tarantino.

If you have a sense of humour, and like Blaxploitation, I would recommend stuff on DVD like 'The Black Six', which is so horrendously bad that it is actually amusing (like an omnibus episode of Fair City)!

'Black 6' was intended as a mix of 'The Magnificent Seven' and 'Easy Rider', the six NFL footballers who star in it do their best to deliver their lines without laughing, whilst trying to avoid the boom mike which is ususually visible in their shots.

Also, anything with Jim Kelly (of 'Enter the Dragon' fame) is worth a laugh. Jim eventually left acting to become a tennis coach, much to the relief of Sidney Poitier, who felt his career was being threatened by Kelly at the time and feared that he would lose out in an audition for a proposed multi-million dollar version of Othello.

Anyhoo, I digress; Bobby Womack was a left-handed player who, cos he couldn't afford a leftie guitar when he was a youngster, just learned to play a normal right-handed one upside-down, which he continues to do to this day.

This is not the same as Jimi Hendrix, also a leftie, who modified all his right-handed guitars by cutting the bridges and then re-stringing them to allow him to play left-handed.

Bobby had a wild career, working with his family as 'The Womack Brothers' and 'The Valentinos', writing and recording stuff like 'It's All Over Now', which the Rolling Stones famously covered, giving him a decent pension as a result. He went on to play with Sam Cooke at the height of Cooke's fame. It was probably when he married Cooke's widow, very suddenly after Sam's death, that people turned against him and his career took a slide.

Womack ended up for a short time in the late 60's hanging out with Sly Stone and his notorious entourage of coked-up thugs and scumbags. Search for some 'Mojo Magazine' back issues if you want to get the full story on that.

Bobby was also the last person to see Janis Joplin alive, except for the dealer who gave her the final fix.

Jayzus - unlucky or what?

What's big and purple and lives in the ocean?

2009-09-08T03:04:00.000+01:00

Moby Grape - the only US 60's band that ever collectively surpassed the Beatles in terms of individual talents and song-writing ability, in my humble opinion:-

The Grape was made up of probably the 5 best unattached singer/songwriter musicians in the West Coast area in the late sixties.

They were put together to be America's serious answer to the Beatles and the Stones, but were f*cked by their record company, who released 5 singles simultaneously from their debut, and best, album, 'Moby Grape', and then seemed to do everything else possible to inadvertantly wreck their careers.

Still, some of their tunes are blissfully astounding, usually all coming in at under 3 minutes: '8:05', 'Some Day', 'Sitting by my Window', 'Naked if I want to' et al.

Check out '8:05' on the second part of this UTuber.

Jefferson Airplane's original drummer, the schizophrenic genius Skip Spence was one of their 3 guitarists and one of the 5 very capable vocalists in Moby Grape. He's not around anymore - he spent years in mental institutions in the 70s. Also, growling-voiced bassist Bob Mosley (a Vietnam Veteran) was reported to have been living on the streets for many years due to mental health issues, but is meant to be doing better these days.

There is very little video on them, but I hear that there have been some reformations recently. I would donate a testicle to see the remaining band live!

Anyhoo, they almost, almost, almost made it to the big time. That's the thing about life though - sometimes 'almost' isn't enough...

Best headline in years

2009-09-07T07:35:00.000+01:00

I always thought that August was meant to be the 'slow' month in the printed newspaper media, but this headline is surely the Sun's best work since their classic 1986 piece:-

It is always great to read anything about the demure Jordan. I sometimes feel that she hides her light under a bushel and needs to get out more into the media spotlight. Since the death of Jade Goody, she has truely become the 'Queen of all our Hearts', and the law must do all in their power to protect her from agressive 'Gipsy Boxers', who plague our fine nations with their boxing, decking and sheer gipsyism.

Shame the Sun's sub-editor didn't spell-check 'Gipsy' though...

Gerry Ryan - Ryan Confidential

2009-09-06T22:55:00.001+01:00

Radio chat show king Gerry Ryan interviews former Ireland soccer manager Brian Kerr. Whilst Gerry gorges himself on the 'Quail Tongue' with side order of 'curried ring of Ostrich, cooked in Rhino fat', Brian sensibly settles for baked beans and sausage rolls.

As Brian leaves, Gerry, expecting his best buddy, property magnet Harry Crosbie to appear, orders his next meal - an order of 'Lesbian Sweat Soup', followed by 'Rectum of Rodent..'.

Gerry is seemingly incapable of letting any of his morning radio shows go by without gushing about his friendship with the Docklands developer Crosbie, or indeed plugging his forthcoming TV interviews.

Anyhoo, this Apres Match pastiche had me in stiches...

Due to personal circumstances, Gerry is forced to live alone on a pittance of about 600K p.a. of our licence fees, in Dublin's most exclusive hotel. He has spent about 20 years failing to realise that he will never, ever, ever, ever have a successful TV programme, but I suspect that those delusions will go on forever.

He makes me actually like Ryan Tubridy, who was almost good in his recent Brian Cowen interview, which I watched in full earlier today.

P-Funk do Maggot Brain

2009-09-05T20:05:00.001+01:00

Anyone who doesn't appreciate P-Funk can never be my friend!

This is rare and from way back in the 80's, Parliament -Funkadelic doing their classic instrumental 'Maggot Brain', one of the most insanely simple, yet brilliant pieces of music ever made.

The 'P-Funk' name was only ever really used for complicated legal reasons. Essentiallty, this is Funkadelic, the more musical side of George Clinton's operations; Parliament was a doo-wop vocal group from way back in the 60s.

I don't know to this day how George gets away with it - he doesn't sing much as his voice is shot by D & A abuse, but he still leads the band, and they leave him regularly ( as he is known to be quite parsimonious when it comes to paying wages on time).

The tune's main composer, the very late Eddie Hazel and Michael Hampton do the honours on the guitars (Eddie starts it on the Les Paul and Hampton rips it up later on in a more eighties Eddie van Halen style).

Legend has it that, at the time this tune was originally being finished in the studio in the early 70s, Eddie Hazel was advised kindly by George Clinton to 'play it like you just heard your mother died' and then towards the end 'like you just heard your mother is actually alive'. So he did, and plays it like that here.

On this night, it's surprising that they can play at all as the smoke/dry ice machine seems to be broken, or more likely turned up to eleven and left unattended (this would make sense given the habits of the P-Funk entourage and family).

A third scenario is that the rest of the huge band is smoking stuff backstage.
It was rumoured that P-Funk members more or less kept the agrarian economies of both Columbia and Afghanistan going for 20 years, in terms of supporting the native crops of those countries!

Who knows? It's all in the past...

Anyhoo, George Clinton wanders onstage later in the song, to conduct and finish things, looking very fetching in a Blondie-type wig and a lovely white fur outfit.

When I saw them live a couple of months back, I recall that it took 4 guitarists playing together to even get close to replicating this tune. It reminds me a little of Neil Young's 'Cortez the Killer' (if only for the chord progressions) and especially 'Little Wing' by Jimi Hendrix, but I think it was Hendrix who was the obvious big influence on Hazel.

There have also been comparisons with Pink Floyd's 'Comfortably Numb' or, more bizzarrely, Frankie Goes to Hollowood's 'Power of Love', but both of these were produced years after the original version of 'Maggot Brain'.

I'm guessing also that this tune, and Hazel's other early work, must have been a major influence on a young Prince, leading to his guitar style on stuff like Purple Rain.

Eddie Hazel got this outfit, including the hat and briefs, from a 1973 Xmas sale in 'Unique in the ILAC Centre'. It cost 3.99 in punts, which was a lot of money in those days. However, it helped Eddie place third in the 1974 World's 'Pimp of the Year' competition.

In 1997, a few years after his death, Eddie Hazel was posthumously inducted into the 'Rock and Roll Hall of Fame' along with George Clinton and the other core P-funk members who had come and went and returned over the years: Bootsy Collins, Bernie Worell, Billy "Bass" Nelson, Tiki Fulwood, Gary Shider, Michael Hampton and another 10 or so dead and alive P-Funk folks from past and present.

P-Funk was always so uniquely diverse though that they could probably have had at least 50 inductees.

Maggot Brain

Ryan Tubridy tonight on his Late-Late debut

2009-09-04T23:22:00.000+01:00

I get some people telling me that I am too hard on Irish celebrity people on my Blog, but the arrival of our new Late-Late host is really quite annoying... We will probably now have to watch this Conan/Leno/Letterman wannabe every Friday night for the next 5 years at least, until advertising revs go completely down the drain and RTE goes bankrupt and then we will be left with only 'the Sunday Game', 'Nationwide' and 'the Angelus' on our primary national TV station:-(

Our esteemed leader Mr. Cowen got a fairly easy ride, in as much that they didn't do an outside broadcast where he was publicy hung upside-down 'Mussolini style' from the Montrose mast on live TV, which many would say he deserves to be; At one point, I was expecting Tubridy to question him on his favourite Maeve Binchy or Enid Blyton book. Disappointingly, this did not happen. My guess is that the Taoiseach's reading material would not extend to much more than the Sunday World, Farmer's Journal and, of course the abridged version of the Lisbon Treaty.

I thought your one from the Corrs was fairly pleasant and engaging, and she managed to stay awake during Ryan's tough line of questioning (bonus points for her). Also, Ryan controlled himself and didn't ask her what she was doing later, so she didn't need to hurt his feelings with any 'not if you were the last man on earth' put-down.

Her appearance on the show probably allowed thousands of middle-aged bachelor farmers across the country to make crass remarks about how she could come down and 'fiddle with them anytime'.

Bryan McFadden was proof positive that it is possible to escape from a Louis Walsh boyband with a
full head of intact, heavily-gelled hair, if not with any dignity.

Not sure who else was on; I missed a lot of the show as I was arguing with someone online at the time.

I remember Ryan's initial introduction to stardom was when he did occasional book reviews on the kid's radio show 'Poporama', which passed as entertainment when I was in short trousers. Doubt very much if he has any relevant journalistic qualifications, except his UCD Arts degree (ahem!).

I never liked Gay Byrne with his antiquated, often right-wing attitudes but the skinny D4 nerd Tubridy seems to have a knack for really annoying people. Come back please Pat Kenny - all is forgiven. You may have been bland but there is now an even more bland sheriff in town.

"Sorry Ireland - you get what you pay for. It was either me or Gerry Ryan"

My opinions on Facebook

2009-09-04T23:00:00.000+01:00

Wow - strange things happen. I had always regarded Facebook, mySpace etc. as vehicles for teenagers only, but a former work colleague invited me a couple of days back to Facebook and I got to search for, and re-aquaint myself with at least 4 people I hadn't spoken with for up to 15 years. In 2 cases, I remembered very quickly why I had stopped speaking to them!

Anyhoo, it occurred to me that a business opportunity might present itself. Here are some alternative suggestions for web-based community sites:-

F*ckBook: An easy way to remember whom you might have made pregnant or infected with a venereal disease, during a moment of drunken madness. The basis would be that you upload their photo and contact details to your site before getting down to the basics, so you could later pass the details on to your solicitor, or contact the person when you need to let them know they might want to get checked for syphillis, gonhorrea etc.

RapeBook: An easy way for rapists and other serial sex-offenders to exchange ideas on how best to ensnare their victims and swap recipes for Rhohypnol and similar medications.

WhoTheF*ck are you Book?: Again, it requires a pre-op photo. Ideal for chucking someone out of your place on a Saturday/Sunday morning when they wake you up and you advise them that there is juice in the fridge, the bus-stop is down the road and that they should let themselves out and close the backdoor quietly behind them.
You have all the evidence in the book and can slip off to the toilet and access it on your WAP, so at least you remember the name of the person, when you are throwing them out. After all, good manners cost nothing...

Shocking display at latest Bishops' emergency session

2009-09-02T00:41:00.000+01:00

It's getting hot in here...

At their daily 'child protection' damage limitation meeting at St Patrick’s College, Maynooth, IRELAND’S CATHOLIC bishops were entertained by some South American & Caribbean dancers, scheduled to appear at the Dun Laoghaire Festival of Cultures, who, due to poor road signage, inadvertantly arrived at the wrong event.

"Those girls are practically 'in the nip' ", commented The Bishop of Cloyne Most Rev John Magee. Sure there's 'divil a bit of harm' in that. Just wish Michael Cleary was around to see it", he remarked wistfully. "Mick would have been all over them, whether they liked it or not - the younger the better", he guffawed.

Irresistable to women, Ireland's all time greatest minge-magnet, the late, great Fr. Michael Cleary.

"Sure some of those lads haven't much on either - I know quite a few clergymen who would go for that too", he bellowed.

Questioned on a recent damning report on child protection practices in the Cloyne diocese by the National Board for Safeguarding Children (NBSC) in the Catholic Church in Ireland, Magee stated:
"Sure lookit, if their parents dress them in tight tops and the like, what do they expect?. If they leave them to go to swimming pools unattended, things are bound to happen, specially in rural areas where priests get in for half price.".

Bishop Magee received the public support of Cardinal Brady, as well as the Archbishop of Cashel Most Rev Dermot Clifford and the Archbishop of Tuam Most Rev Michael Neary, all of whom have stated that the South American dancers were 'absolute rides', and wished that they (the bishops) were 40 years younger, cos they would be 'in with a real chance'.

Celebrity Gossip Magazines

2009-09-01T13:44:00.000+01:00

There's nothing more annoying than standing in a queue in your local convenience shop, as some cashless person insists on paying for a pack of chewing gum with his/her credit card, then deliberates for a few minutes as to whether or not they want cashback.

Was in a similar queue yesterday and noticed that the woman in front of me had taken a carrier basket to fill it up with every available gossip magazine. Perhaps she worked as a receptionist in a dental clinic, or was just saving them up for a month's worth of reading material while taking her morning dumps.

Of course these publications serve a public need, keeping us updated as to the current marital circumstances of Pete and Jordan in any given week, and confirming who exactly may be classed as a bona fide celebrity at any given time.

In the case of Ireland's VIP, we are also offerred regular exclusive pictorial access into the homes of genuine superstars such as Marty Whelan, Sonny Knowles, Barbara McMahon and the guy who does the weather on TV3.

Anyhoo, got me to wondering as to what would be the best name for a new gossip mag. Here are a few ideas:-

WAG
NAG
SLAG
TRIPE
DRIVEL
SHALLOW
SWALLOW
FOLLOW
HOLLOW
GOODBYE
FATUOUS
SCUM
WHY?
WASTE OF TIME

The Ballad of Ronnie Drew

2009-08-31T01:30:00.000+01:00

This Late-Late Show 'tribute' to a dying Ronnie Drew was a truely surreal, appalling, tasteless, catastrophic piece of noise, with most of the usual suspects. They couldn't even wait until he was dead in the grave.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if this 'celebrity sh*t-fest' didn't just hasten his death...

I wondered at the time why Ronnie didn't just walk out of Montrose and throw himself under the next passing 46A:-

They must have done a few takes on this abomination, as 'the Hedge' appears originally playing an acoustic guitar, then seconds later, is miraculously strumming an electric Gibson Firebird model. Also, Liam O'Maonlai must have been pretty strung out on this as he appears to be holding a banjo for decorative reasons only.

Thankfully, Van Morrison had the good sense to absent himself and Chris de Burgh, Dolores O'Riordan, Twink and Ronan Keating just weren't invited...

Gilberto Gil rocks the house

2009-08-30T07:24:00.000+01:00

This is from the late 60's. Gilberto Gil and the Mutantes do 'Domingo no Parque (Sunday in the Park)' at one of the TV festivals which were common at the time.

Gilberto Gil is now minister for culture in Brazil, but at the time was considered a dangerous subversive by the military junta. Here, he is joined by the national orchestra, and by the seminal group 'Os Mutantes' (Rita Lee, Arnaldo Baptisa and his brother Sergio Diaz).

All of these guys were viewed as radicals by the existing government and sent into exile in the turbulent times that abounded in the late 60's. It was a great opportunity for them to improve their French and English, as Paris and London were the places to go. At least they were not tortured, drugged, tied up and thrown into the sea from a helicopter, which was the favoured method of exiling artists or those perceived as intellectuals in neighbouring Argentina and Chile...

Rita Lee went on to become the most popular chanteuse in Brazil, and still is to this day. She shedded her links to the Mutantes decades ago, after falling out with her lover Arnaldo, who had serious drug and mental health issues. I got to see Os Mutantes in Dublin a couple of years back. Only Sergio showed up, from the original trio, but it was great nevertheless.